If you know me, you know that I’m an advocate of online dating, as long as the internet is used as a tool to meet someone, and the ultimate goal is to meet in person (and not carry on a relationship that remains strictly online/on the phone).
But in the past year, I’ve discovered that due to my issues with my weight (which I mentioned in my last entry), I have difficulty getting from “getting to know you online” to “meeting in person”. I spend too much time stressing over the fact that despite the realistic pictures that I have sent, despite the fact that my online profile says I’m fat, a guy will see me in person and run away, traumatized. I’m ridiculous, I know, but it’s a fear I have a hard time shaking. My friends are always surprised at how real this fear of mine is, and the crazy things it leads me to say and do.
To deal with my fear that an in-person meeting will be the kiss of death, I tell the guy every time we speak that I’m fat, fatter than any girl he’s ever met probably, and I tell him I don’t think he’d find me attractive because of the fat (but I do say that aside from the excess weight, I’m a catch). I repeat the whole “I’m fat” part to the point that the guy always asks me to please stop talking about it. Or sometimes I scare them so much that they are now afraid I’m the size of a bus and unable to move around. I met a few guys from dating sites last year and one of the first things two of them said was that I’m not as big as they thought I would be, based on what I had said! Don’t let that fool you into thinking that I’m one of those people who is five or ten (or twenty or fifty) pounds overweight and is pretending it’s the end of the world. I wish!
My most recent experience Scaring Off Men With My Weight was a big lesson to me because it was the first time in a long time that I met a guy who I was starting to imagine being part of my life. You know the drill: you imagine introducing them to certain key people in your life, you see something that reminds you of them and buy it or let them know, you tell them that you think they’re a really remarkable human being, you start to get inside jokes between the two of you..and then, because of insecurity, after eight months things take a turn for the worst.
As a Christian, I believe this latest situation was meant to teach me a lesson. Next time, I will not sabotage myself. Next time I will not try to protect myself from being hurt by getting the guy to leave (which I figure he’ll do after he sees me anyway). Even though I was trying to protect myself, I still got hurt, so why not just go with the flow and see what happens?
Next time, after posting realistic pictures (which I always do), and being honest about my weight on a dating profile (or on the phone or by email; whatever), which I also always do, I won’t mention my weight again.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to believe that God still has someone in mind for me, and he’s using experiences like the latest one to prepare me for him.