Part confession, part rant about being single

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Good Naija Girl

I was recently reminded that I’m not getting any younger. It’s true: I’ll be 34 in three and a half months, but I was insulted because one thing that infuriates me about some men (not all men) is when they are thwarted, even politely, they always go for the jugular. I’m shocked every time it happens: from the guy who called me unspeakable things four or more years back because I told him I didn’t want to date a man with children (a fact that was clearly stated on my dating profile), to another guy who trashed my character because I told him I did not see a future for us, together, to the random guy last year who chatted me up then told me I was stupid when I told him I wasn’t interested in having coffee with him. I can list more situations where this has happened. I am never rude: I tell the guy that I think he’s a good person but incompatible and without fail, out come the insults. The internet or text messages seems to make men bold and devoid of manners! Good news: every time it happens I thank God that I discovered this ugly aspect of their character before getting more involved. I don’t want to deal with a man who in the future would say very cruel things not even related to the topic of an argument, just to hurt me (I get enough of that from my brother).

When you get to your mid-thirties, I think people start worrying on your behalf and they want to believe that you must be doing something wrong, that’s why you’re single. The alternative would be to accept that maybe you just won’t find a partner and that can be hard to accept. I won’t lie: I’m worried too! Sometimes I’ll be hit by a wave of panic that maybe I won’t find someone, or maybe I’m not meant to be married, but since I don’t know what God has in store for me in this regard, and since the urge to be a nun hasn’t ever hit me, I push down my panic and keep on hoping. The worst is knowing that my parents worry about it, because I don’t like to cause them any more stress. I’m hoping the fact that I’m self-sufficient (at least when it comes to taking care of my material needs) puts their minds at ease a little bit.

With my sister’s upcoming wedding, everyone and their dog is telling me that I will be next. When I think of how many years I’ve been told I’ll be next, I can barely stop from rolling my eyes. If only there really was a list and I really was next! I’ll be stopping in Europe on my way back from Nigeria for my first solo trip, and several friends have told me that maybe I will meet a man on that trip. I’m touched that they care but I’ve taken to saying “Thank you but those kinds of things don’t happen to me!” with a smile (the smile is genuine, bordering on laughter because the idea is so laughable!). The funny thing is they argue with me, insisting it will happen. Now I’m not a pessimist, really (despite the tone of this post), and they are not able to see the future as far as I know, and maybe it’s my science background talking but I’m going to need a bit more than platitudes to make me believe it could happen. I’d rather plan to enjoy my sister’s wedding and dance my heart out, then figure out how not to get lost alone in Europe than to hang my hopes on meeting a man, as lovely as it would be.

I’m tired of being told that I’m picky. I am picky, or choosy, or whatever you want to call it, but I’m at peace with the things I’m “picky” about. My personality clashes with people who run from confrontation, and I refuse to compromise on this. I don’t mind if I have to initiate the discussion but if they won’t participate, ever, I don’t want to be in that relationship. Being able to communicate (especially during difficult times) is very important to me. I do want to marry a Yoruba man and I’d like him to be taller than I am, but both of these are unimportant if he puts God first and if God reveals to me that he is the guy for me. I’ve never turned down a date with a man because he wasn’t Yoruba or because he was shorter than I am.

Speaking of being led by God to a spouse, I hope God is very obvious with me because I need very clear signs! The other thing I’m struggling with is opening my heart to love. I did before and things didn’t go as hoped, so I’m a bit wary to try again. This has to change.

This might be naive of me but how is it that so many Christian men care so little about sexual purity? It’s like the concept is completely foreign to them. I understand temptation (believe me) but I’m disappointed that I’ve yet to meet a man who has mentioned setting boundaries or who has been the one to extricate himself from a heated situation or to tell me to calm down ;). I so want to meet this guy—sexual purity is where it’s at!

Aside from softening my hardened heart, there are other things I could work on to make myself more appealing: I could improve my appearance and be open once again to setups. I could tell myself more positive messages about the wonderful man that I will meet soon, but I’m not-so-secretly rebelling against these actions I could take. Yes, I’ve suddenly become a child of 3 years old and I’m throwing a tantrum because I’m tired of waiting!

So, although I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life (I especially appreciate the kind man who dug me and another person out of the snow last night!), and even though one day my long wait for my future husband may top my thankful list, I had to be real for a moment.

So tell me, are you still waiting or have you found your match?

Impatiently single

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Good Naija Girl

I try to stay positive because no one wants to read blog entries that make them feel blue and I’d rather not put any more negativity out there. So let me instead call this a dose of reality: in my experience, waiting for a mate sucks most of the time. Yup, I said it! A human can only be patient for so long before those feelings of unworthiness creep in. I start thinking the reason I don’t have a “plus one” is because I don’t deserve one. Maybe I’m not nice enough, maybe I’m not smart enough, maybe I’m too fat, maybe I’m just plain unattractive!

But just when I’ve decided that I’ve finally discovered why I’m single, I’ll meet someone who’s meaner or fatter than I who is happily married to a wonderful man, leaving me back at square one, wondering what is wrong with me. (And of course I’ll feel awful for judging people and comparing them to me!) Or I’ll meet women far lovelier and kinder than I who are shockingly single and then I’ll realize that things really are not fair for these women either.

If you have ever felt like this, here’s the reminder we need: we are enough, exactly as we are. We don’t need to lose a pound or gain one IQ point to dazzle someone. We don’t need new clothing or more or less of anything to win someone’s heart. It’s tempting to “blame” your singleness on something (It’s my neuroses! or I’m too career-minded!) but I believe that when God matches you with your mate, you will be accepted by that person just as you are. To me there really is no greater gift than for someone to see you for who you are, annoying habits and all, and want to be with you anyway.

So what do we impatient singles need? To (continue to) wait. We need to wait until God’s timing matches our own timing, and trust that one day those two dates WILL coincide. Unfortunately we don’t get to know how long the wait is. At my age (33 in three short months!), having to wait even six months longer feels like punishment, but what if my wait is six more years? Or longer?

Gulp.

I won’t lie to you: if that’s the case, I see some emotional breakdowns in my future. Nothing tragic, mind you, but I will certainly shed more tears of frustration.

So to those waiting far more patiently than I, to those who are dedicating their time to living life and accomplishing their goals, congratulations! You’re doing just what you should be doing because life goes on, significant other or not. To those like me who have gotten caught up in feeling blue and feeling in limbo? Shake it off! Remember those goals you want to achieve, remember that God’s timing is best, and live your life. (Taking some time here and there to be weepy is ok I say…it’s part of being human. Just don’t take too long!)

I’ll try to follow my own advice.

On meeting and dating men

Posted on March 30, 2011 by Good Naija Girl

TDB left a comment on my blog in January and while responding to her I thought I’d turn some of the reply into a quick blog entry. TDB has never been on a date and she could relate to my entry about my lack of a relationship history. She used to wonder if there was something wrong with her, and of course I can relate.

But…as I finished off my 20s and entered my 30s, I realized that practically speaking, especially when you’re no longer in school or don’t work in a workplace teeming with men, it’s going to be harder to meet men “naturally”. You won’t have the opportunity to get to know someone gradually over the course of a school year and have them grow on you. There won’t be any study sessions where you blurt out your feelings for someone because you just can’t keep them in any longer, and have him reply that he feels the same way, that he’s always felt the same way (do I watch too many romantic movies?). The more established your career is, the less willing you might be to compromise your career by getting involved with a colleague, especially if your workplace does not condone such things (or perhaps like me you work in a place where there are about 25 employees and the six men are all in relationships, with the exception of the one who is your mother’s age). It makes sense that as you age, many of the guys in your age range are not single because they probably did meet the love of their life in school and have married them or plan to marry them.

There are some people, like one of of my female colleagues, who have a certain charisma that is evident when you first meet them. People of both sexes are naturally drawn to my colleague. Although she won’t necessarily approach a stranger and strike up a conversation, she has a vibe about her that says she’s approachable and open, and people sense and react positively to her. When talking she makes eye contact effortlessly and talks with her hands, reaching out to touch you lightly when making a point. I am one of her groupies I must admit; she’s that good. This colleague has become a friend over the years and when I go out with her she gets male attention without effort, just by being herself. It just happens that the person that she is is one that men react favourably to. Unfortunately we don’t all have that aura. Some of us are better when we write than we speak, some of us are able to open up and be funny and charming after we’re approached and coaxed to talk, some of us just take more time than others to show our adorable selves. There’s nothing wrong with that; all it means is that we have to make more effort to put ourselves in situations where we can meet potential fellows.

So to TDB and anyone wondering how they can improve their chances of meeting someone, I say you might have to try those approaches that take you out of your comfort zone. Can Mr. Right find you? Sure! But waiting can seem very long so why not do your own part, even if it doesn’t result in you meeting that special guy? At least you feel like you’re being proactive and I think there can be some great benefits too: the guy you meet might become a new close friend or even the person who introduces you to that special someone. But even if that doesn’t happen, if you are like me and get nervous conversing with people you don’t know (male or female) and have difficulty maintaining eye contact, putting yourself out there can be a non-threatening way to improve in those areas. And of course we can’t forget the numerous blog entries that these dates can bring!

I tried online dating because I knew that if I was looking online, surely there was a compatible male for me also doing the same thing. I saw it as a good way to practice talking to strangers and coming across as a smart, sassy person who is worth knowing. I made mistakes along the way (my biggest was not giving people a second chance to make a good impression, and going into a date assuming I’d be rejected because I’m fat), but I’d like to think that I became more relaxed with each new person I met and more comfortable making small talk. In the end I met a decent guy, though I didn’t think he was right for me, and through this exercise I discovered that there are still some good guys out there. I am no longer online dating though because I am still talking to that guy that my great aunt introduced me to 18 months ago (mentioned in brief here, here, here, here and here).

Take home message: do let your mom/aunt/parents’ friend set you up with a good guy that meets the basics of what you’re looking for, do agree to go out with your neighbour/friend of a friend/guy on the bus who is not creepy and who has mentioned “grabbing a coffee”, and by all means do try online dating. Will you meet the guy for you by trying any or all of these? Maybe not! Will you’ll come out of the experiences feeling better about yourself and confident that there is someone for you? Maybe not but I sure hope so!