If you’re a Nigerian who doesn’t come from a moneyed background, and if you’re having difficulty finding a decent job that allows you to buy more than essentials, the connection between having money and finding love may come up. One of my Nigeria-based male friends told me how some women don’t consider him dateable him because he doesn’t have a car or an extra income for anything other than the occasional meal at a restaurant or more regular casual outings at a local eatery. His father passed away almost two years ago and he’s the oldest of five children. He’s hustling, you see, and the title of Girlfriend of a Hustler isn’t one that women are clamouring for according to him. But he’s hardworking, educated and ready to marry…what’s a guy like him to do? (The answer for the past years has been to Stay Single and Keep Hustling).

My example when it comes to the importance of money in a relationship is my parents’ story: They met in Nigeria, both of them from very humble backgrounds (both grandfathers were farmers, I’m not sure if my paternal grandmother had a career outside of the home and I’ve said a few things about my maternal grandmother before, mother of eight children, former buka owner). Both of my parents had their secondary school diplomas, and my dad had worked for six years after graduating because he could not afford to go to university.

After my dad told my mom he would marry her (and she eventually realized he was a good man), they had a registry wedding and my dad’s dream getting further education came true: he earned a full scholarship to study in the USA, and my mom joined him soon after. He worked as a dishwasher at the cafeteria of the school he was attending, and my mom worked in the kitchen at the same school while she earned her college diploma. I’ve heard my parents reminisce about those days and their hectic schedules of work and school and not seeing each other and the pittance they earned but you can tell those early years cemented their relationship in some ways.

They had two cute babies (first me, then my sister), were able to go back to Nigeria and have a more fun wedding celebration, and approximately 10 years later my family moved to Canada so my dad could further his education, again with a full scholarship (proud daughter alert). My dad finished his PhD and was looking for work, the father of four children ranging in age from a year old to 10 years of age. Nothing was coming up so he worked in a warehouse moving heavy stock around for an hourly wage and he sold vacuums door to door for some months while my mom was a stay at home mom who also worked in the fast food industry. My dad was able to get a job that was in his field, but it was a six-month contract that kept getting renewed; he didn’t have job security for many years but God was faithful: we never went hungry, we never wore ragged clothing and we always had a (rented) roof over our heads. My mom always found time to braid my sister’s and my hair and to cut my brothers’ hair, so we always looked good. We had one car for six people, and for the first 10 years that we lived in Canada, it was a used car. I remember one car in particular had such a bad looking body due to rusting that I refused to be picked up from school lest my friends see the car. When they were able to buy a new car they drove it for 13 or 14 years until it died and they replaced it with a slightly used one.

We knew not to ask our parents for brand-name items if there was a lower-priced, high-quality, non-brand-name version because my dad would tell us very frankly that we could not afford it. Because we were older, my sister and I were more aware of the family’s tight budget. Nine years after my dad graduated, my parents bought a 22-year-old house which they are now halfway through paying for.

My parents did not pay for my university education, nor that of my sister: we worked during the summer months to earn the bulk of the tuition, and worked part time during the school year to earn the remainder. When we needed help, they’d help us, but we knew it wasn’t money that they had lying around because like many Nigerians they are supporting extended family members, so we always paid them back (eventually).

My parents’ relationship and my family history taught me that not having much money is not a legitimate reason to put off choosing a life partner (or having children as the case may be). I’m sure every man in love wants to be able to buy his wife a lovely ring to propose with, and wants to buy a beautiful house in which to live, but sometimes the budget demands that he buy a plain ring (or none at all) and live in a rented apartment (or single room) for some years before upgrading. My siblings and I did not suffer being raised the way we were. There are some people I know who think if they can’t afford to buy their kids new toys regularly or if their kid can’t wear designer clothing, then they cannot afford to have children. If they can’t afford a tropical vacation every year (or two) or if they can’t buy a house, or if they can’t drive a Nissan, Lexus, BMW, or Benz, they can’t move to the next stage of their relationship.

My own family situation has taught me is it’s having people to play with (as kids) or relate to (as adults) that makes one’s life rich. Despite my parents’ humble home and life, they have so many people who love being invited to their place to eat homemade Nigerian fare. The friends don’t care that my parents have 12-year old furniture and a second hand bookcase in their house. They don’t care that the floors of their house creak sometimes when you walk in certain areas, that the carpet isn’t as fresh as it used to be, or that the place could use a fresh coat of paint.

Also, you can find joy and make good memories with simple things. My parents always encouraged a love of reading in us and we would take family trips to the library when we were younger. Because of that my sister and I know our local library inside out, and there are librarians there who remember us from over 15 years ago. We may have never flown out of the country except to visit family in Nigeria, but we took many road trips and even had fun sharing hotel rooms together. This is not the picture of a family who suffered but a family who had (and has been blessed with) enough.

I’m still a big fan of the library!

Both here and in Nigeria, it’s easy to get caught up in the whole “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality that is so common in this world. In our Yoruba association, for example, there are members with vanity license plates (their last name usually) who change their (luxury) cars regularly. Others make sure you know where they work (and they want you to make the connection to the salary they’re pulling in). Some will correct you if you address them as Mr. or Mrs. when they have a PhD, because for them this is part of the prestige (while my dad on the other hand never calls himself Dr. So-and-so). On blogs you’ll see people dropping names of car brands and designers in a way that implies they hold a lot of stock in the brand (though I have to admit I’ve always been sensitive to name dropping. Maybe some are sharing brand names just to provide more information). A lot of people are in a lot of debt, all for the sake of appearances.

But I’ve digressed a bit. My main point is what my friend from the beginning of this post told me after sharing his woes about dating: just because he doesn’t have money now, doesn’t mean he won’t have money in the future, and for him, money is a means to an end and in his case his “end” is having enough to care for his family and impact others. No grand plans for having a stable of more cars than he can drive or wearing designer clothing just for the sake of wearing a designer. People and the relationships you create with them are what really enrich your life; if all you have is your money, chances are you won’t be happy for long. It’s an attitude that suits me just fine…in fact I should give him a call and see if he’s still single, or if a smart woman has snapped him up!

Do any of your parents or relatives have a similar story? Do you have a story of marrying someone that others may have looked down on due to their financial prospects?

Right now, my plan is to have the Engagement in Nigeria. This way my extended family will get to meet my groom and they will also get to witness a milestone in my life. Also, it would give us a chance to throw a party that people would hopefully enjoy. The only “problem” with this is I know my non-Nigerian friends would love to see what the Engagement is like, especially when they find out there’s a part of the Yoruba Engagement where the bride is traditionally supposed to kneel in front of her husband to feed him. I won’t deny that as it stands now, I’m thinking of arranging for NEPA taking light during that part of the ceremony so that when the electricity is restored I can say that they all missed me kneeling. Yup, I said it! I understand the tradition with respect to kneeling for elders but a small part of me cringes at this part of the Engagement. I went to a Yoruba/Angolan wedding (groom was from Angola) and when it came time for his bride to kneel to feed him, he actually grabbed her arms and pull her up before she knelt. I want a groom that would do that!

I know, I know, submissive wife…Bible…but I can be submissive without kneeling, can’t I? The other thing I could do is use the “I wasn’t raised in Nigeria so I didn’t know I was supposed to kneel during the Traditional wedding” excuse. I expect the “I wasn’t born in Naija” excuse will get me out of many tight spots in the future! Anyway, the Engagement will be recorded and I can show it to my friends afterwards.

That means the White wedding will be in Canada. This will allow my friends (100% of whom I know will not be able to pack up their families and travel to Nigeria) to see GNG get married. Of course, Nigerian food and attire would be incorporated into this wedding, and I’m quite giddy at the thought of planning it. It’s far more exciting to me to think of planning this than the Engagement, because I don’t think I’ll have any say in the Engagement. I don’t know the traditions and the order the whole thing is supposed to follow; I will just be a puppet that day.

Before I get all excited, I need to find the groom first! With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I’m tempted to organize another Online Meeting Project! Although I can’t announce that any couples from Round 1 are engaged, I have received positive feedback from people who participated. Some bachelors had sent me their info too late and I told them they would be included in the next round.

I have some of questions:

1. If you aren’t married yet, how are you thinking of organizing your wedding?
2. How many of you married folk felt like you had a lot of say in either the Traditional or White wedding?
3. If you live outside of Nigeria, did you split up your Engagement/White weddings like I’m thinking of doing?

For anyone who is dealing with waiting for something they thought would be a piece of cake — admittance into a program of study, a job, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a wife or husband, a child, a promotion — all I can say is hang in there and keep hope alive. I think a lot of women especially may have heard or been told that they should hurry up and get hooked up before they reach the age of 30 because it all starts going downhill from there, where “it” means everything from looks to the ability to easily conceive and carry children as you really get into your 30s.

I read the book He’s Just Not That Into You recently (a fun book that tells you all the stuff you already know but don’t mind hearing again because a reminder is always good). For example, if a guy isn’t asking you out, calling (or emailing you as the case may be, *ahem*) or wanting to sleep with you (even if you have vowed celibacy, he better be having a hard time not jumping your bones!), he’s just not that into you. Sure, he may be sort of into you, and think you’re a great girl but if he’s content not defining things with you, the guy is not into you jare: move on to someone who will be into you! Anyway, near the end of the book, the female author talks about how there aren’t enough good men out there, that statistics are not very encouraging to the average woman (especially in her 30s) looking for a good man who won’t do any of the things that the book has spent one hundred or so pages pointing out as wrong. I love the response of the male author:

Being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that, yes, my true belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honour the person you are, is worse.

The statistics are bleak. But don’t use statistics to keep you down or keep your frightened. You can’t do anything with these statistics except scare yourself and your girlfriends. So I say, “Fuck statistics.” It’s your life—how dare you not have faith in it!

I love that bit I bolded (the book cursed sha, not me) because it’s so true: this is your life we’re talking about, how dare you not believe in it and do what you can to give your life the outcome you seek. How dare you decide it’s not important enough to pray about, to insist on! Needless to say, I have heard and I am convinced. Nothing is going to get me down (for long) about my situation. I believe.

I didn’t spend much time looking around the site the first time, but I took a closer look today and I was impressed with what she had to say on her blog. She (Neenah) is a believer, and isn’t embarrassed to bring up that that she talked to God about whether or not she should break the “rule” about not kissing on the first date. She comes across as a smart woman who has it together and who isn’t content to go with the flow and hope that someone will find her. Instead she’s taken matters into her own hands and doing her part at age 42, an age where I bet most of her friends have probably been married for years, to find her husband. Some of her friends and acquaintances may even be working on their second or third marriages while she, never married, no children, has not yet met her husband. Some may have told her to give up on finding a life partner, to just continue to enjoy her career and her friendships, but I admire her for following her heart and doing what she can to realize her dreams.

I wonder what I would do in the same situation: If, twelve years from now, I’m still seeking my Good Naija Man, would I be optimistic enough to start a website and put myself out there for the world to judge like she has? Would I still care about finding a partner by that point or would I be so embittered by the years of searching waiting searching that I’d have decided that singledom is my destiny? How would I handle knowing that conceiving and giving birth to a child “naturally” is a remote possibility at that age? I’m not sure. I do hope, however, that if I ever find myself in that sitaution, I would handle it with the grace that Neenah has.

Um, that didn’t exactly happen so I can either join the sites again anyway or push back my timeline of re-entering the online dating world. I don’t even know if I feel like going back there…it wasn’t actually fun.

In the meantime some people have been working overtime to help me. One friend introduced me to her (sort of) friend via facebook, but that didn’t go anywhere. Her main reason for introducing us to each other was the fact that we both live in the same country, we’re both single and we both seemed to be nice people in her opinion. Lasting relationships have been built on less, right?

While I was in Nigeria, my great aunt tried to work her matchmaking magic, but the guy apparently intended for me (to meet) was not able to come to my great aunt’s daughter’s wedding (he lives in Lagos). I did end up meeting him for 15 minutes in Lagos before we left for Canada and not two minutes after he left, my great aunt was on the phone, asking if he had showed up and how our conversation went. When I told her that he and I were engaged, she made a noise of exasperation and asked me to pass the phone to my mom instead of thanking me for telling her what she wanted to hear! How ungrateful!

Every now and then, I have this wonderful daydream that I’ll find love through my blog. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? He’d read my blog and fall in love with my words, self deprecating yet witty as they are (ahem) and comment occasionally, while spying on getting to know me through the blog. Eventually we’d start emailing each other and he’d reveal to me insights that I didn’t even know about myself that he gleaned from reading. Needless to say his emails would be eloquent and witty and captivate me utterly. (An aside: I am such a sucker for a guy who can write well and amuse via email as well as in person…be still my heart!) We’d meet and get on swimmingly. But in order for this to be a true sappy movie type plot, we’d have to have a misunderstanding that is my fault and will be resolved by me driving across the country at the last minute to stop his wedding to another woman or something like that. Good thing I have my driver’s license!

2009 has a lot of love-related hopes and dreams to live up to, let me tell you!

I was pleasantly surprised: there were actually a lot of people in their 20s, and early 30s in attendance. The program was good too (and the open bar and refreshments didn’t hurt either!). The invitation said that the event was from 6:30-8:30pm, but the party kept going for a few hours after that, and there was even a live band for part of it. If this is a sign of what is to come under the new high commissioner, I won’t complain one bit, and I won’t miss an event!

For some of the night, I observed how Nigerian men behave when faced with a lovely woman. The lovely woman in question was my friend, and I introduced her to two (male) family friends. Both guys are professionals, and perhaps that was part of it, but to me they came across as confident and pretty direct guys, which I was happy to see. One told her he had noticed her from the time she entered the room (and she told me later that she had noticed him noticing her), while the other made it clear that he wanted to dance with her, and he did. I wonder if they would have made the first move and gone up to her if they had not been introduced. Or, perhaps, they were on their way to do just that when I got in between them. Anyway, I was impressed the confident and self assured manner of the guys, and the fact that they didn’t seem to be fronting. I’m sure that they will be able to find nice women to settle down with when the time is right.

As I watched the women in the room, I noticed a confidence in them too that I lacked. These women appeared comfortable in their own skin and behaved like they felt they looked their best and were worthy of attention (in a good way). What a contrast to me! I am very self conscious and awkward around guys my age, and perhaps as a result, in social events I think guys automatically dismiss me as a potential anything other than the friend of the girl they are interested in. It’s a role I’m used to and comfortable in, but I would like to move beyond that.

Although I didn’t mind introducing my friend to guys I knew (after I got over forgetting their names—they’re twins sha, and I couldn’t remember which one was older), I gave her a “deer caught in the headlights” look at the prospect of her doing the same for me. I seriously think that step 1 to being a good Nigerian woman is to have confidence in myself or if I don’t, find a way to fake it.

I told him that he didn’t have to worry because the bobo had lost interest. Some people wanted some details on what I was talking about, and here goes. There isn’t really much to say, I’m afraid.

We went from talking more and more on msn to not talking anymore (and in characteristic GNG fashion, I removed him from my msn (again)). I think we were both just a diversion for each other, and in my vulnerable state (I want a man, jare!), I took it to mean that he was interested in me or something. He did say he was going to a wedding in the UK but I can’t just let him msg me again and pick up like we hadn’t stopped talking (again).

I mean if the guy was interested, he would have called me right? Especially since he told me he still had my numbers and he recited them to me on msn.

Annnyways, enough about that. We can blame my activities on the fact that the last year of my 20s will be starting soon and I’m reaching for anything with a Y chromosome.

So, tell me: Have you ever pursued someone who was clearly not that into you? What finally made you snap out of it?

I met a man about a month ago, he appears to have everything I want in a man. He is brilliant, educated, ambitious, comes from a good family, wants to start a family of his own in the near future. He is Nigerian, we share the same values, goals, and I can talk to him for hours. He is God fearing, has a career, loves and respects me and he has given me no reason to distrust him and is always honest with me. He is an okay looking man but the problem is that I am not physically/sexually attracted to him. He is short and physically not my type. He wants a commitment from me, he knows I have reservations about committing but he is not sure exactly why. What should I do? Should I make it clear that its the physical attraction? Should I commit and see if I become attracted to him? or Should I break it off and move on?

How would you respond to this woman? Like I said, this is a friend so I know her to be intelligent, caring, funny and kind. She’s not the type to jump into a relationship just because and I know she’s looking to settle down. That’s why she’s truly struggling with this. She knows that good men are hard to find yet doesn’t want to settle. She doesn’t want to be shallow, yet she doesn’t want to end up resenting her boyfriend or husband because she decided to downplay the importance of physical attraction. She also doesn’t want to throw this fish back into the sea, only to discover that only algae is left in the sea.

Here’s what I think:

I think that physical attraction can grow so if you love everything else about the person, meet up again, maybe a few more times, and see if you can see yourself being with this person in a relationship sort of way and not just as good friends. If not, if you have no desire to kiss the guy, or hold his hand, or rip off his clothes (which GNG recommends doing only after you’re married :D), you must say goodbye.

My answer was short to give y’all the space to share what you think. Oya: speak!

(Please)

(Desperate times call for desperate measures!)

Near the end of the night, I was clearing our table off to help the people who organized the party and I sort glanced in the direction of this guy a couple of times. It was so unplanned and I wasn’t looking at him in particular at all (you know how it is), just in that direction (ok, I was actually looking at this other guy who was collecting some decorations, but I think he’s taken). Anyway, the decorations guy was collecting particular decorations and I found one hidden away so I went to give it to him and he thanked me and I left. But the guy I accidentally kept looking at was around there so maybe he thought I deliberately came his way?

Anyways, after my cleaning was done, my sister and I were sitting at our bare table, waiting for our mother to finish saying her goodbyes so we could leave. Who should come over but the guy I kept looking at accidentally!

I liked his confidence, coming up to two hotties (haha), and he was funny. He first asked where we were from and when I told him Naija he was shocked; according to him we don’t look Naija (and I’m sure hearing us speak didn’t help!). He asked if we were out of school and when we said yes, he expressed surprise and said I looked about 22 and my sister 21, shaving 7 and 6 years off our actual ages (I’m betting alcohol may have impaired his judgment). We exchanged a few more words and then he asked for our phone numbers.

Keep in mind he had established that we were sisters. Am I the only who finds it weird that he asked for both our numbers? Maybe he was networking, or maybe he took pity on me (My sister is considered the “fine one”, and I am the friendly/social one who was responding to his questions, while my sister couldn’t really hear him because of the music, and she later told me she had ruled him out because he was too short. Me, I know that beggars can’t be choosers so I at least wanted to see what he was like.)

My sister doesn’t have a cell phone and she didn’t want to give our home number so I told him he could call my cell phone and ask for my sister if he wanted to talk to her (I think she was the reason he came over to us). I’ll give him points for saying something like “No, no I couldn’t do that”.

So, I actually gave my phone number to a guy who may call and ask to talk to my sister. How cool am I? It was nice to interact with another person my age, even though it was just for 10 minutes.

There’s another 40th birthday coming up this weekend and here’s hoping that I have more luck.

While I’ve been busy meeting men who have either been arrested for fraud, are in the process of lying (by omission) about their identity, or who are old enough to be my father, my hot, nice and smart friend has met a guy who seems pretty darn great. Yes, he is still human of course but he seems to be one of the good guys: he’s employed, a legal resident of where he lives and lots of other things that my friend refuses to tell me because um, it’s her budding relationship, not mine!

(I jest o, she’s given me plenty of details about the bobo, even though sometimes I bet she wishes I’d stop asking)

Anyways, that’s not what this entry is actually about. I’m here to tell you something that I really like about Naija men, something that this guy sort of illustrated. I find that oyinbos just don’t understand why some of us have such close ties to our families, while the Naija guy gets that. I mean you have some oyinbo parents who truly believe their responsibility as parents is over once their child turns 18, and you can find them packing up their kid’s bags and wishing them the best in the world the moment their child blows out the candles on the cake. Call me weird, but even though I’m a whole 28 years old, if I was going on a date with a guy that I met online, or even if I met him at the local grocery store, I would tell my family what I’m going to do. I don’t think this will change even when I move out on my own, although I’ll probably only tell them the important things then. It’s not that I need their approval, but I like for them to know what’s going on in my life and what I’m doing. I wouldn’t give them intimate details or anything but they will certainly not ever be surprised if I were to announce that I have a boyfriend because they would have known that I was getting to know someone. Perhaps I’m more open with my family than some might be, but it works for me.

Most Naija guys would not only understand but would be willing to even talk to my parents and say hi to them even before meeting me in person because they know that for some parents it’s important that they know what sort of person their daughter is talking to. A couple of the men I never dated spoke with my mother and it was never a weird or awkward thing; in fact both parties enjoyed it.

Most Naija men won’t give you a hard time if you’re hanging with them and say “Oh, I’m just going to call my parents/sister/uncle and let them know that I won’t be coming over this weekend” or something, whereas my oyinbo friend would be like “You’re 28, why do you have to tell them?” and I’d be like “It’s not that I have to but I want to” and he totally wouldn’t get it. I really appreciate that a Naija guy would get that and wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

Of course if it got to the point where I can’t make a decision without calling mummy, daddy, all my siblings and some “aunties” and “uncles” too, that would be an entirely different matter.