If you skimmed the earlier entry, please understand that I did not say that Nigerians have the monopoly on cheating, nor did I say that a Nigerian man will definitely cheat. The entry is about cheating among Nigerians because I’m Nigerian, and it was a fellow blogger who stated that in her opinion, Nigerian men will cheat, that’s it’s only a matter of time.

Also, talking about cheating doesn’t mean I’m wishing it upon myself or saying it will happen; it’s a topic that I think couples should discuss, not in a “when you cheat” way as if it’s inevitable, but in a “Let’s make sure we’re clear on what our views on infidelity are, what we consider infidelity and how we will prevent such a thing from touching our marriage.” In a perfect world these things would be intuitively understood, but this world is far from perfect. Talking once or twice about scenarios that you hope never happen isn’t a bad thing in my opinion; bringing it up constantly is another matter.

Themes that came out from your comments:

Society allows Nigerian men to cheat
This is a comment that came up over and over again. Society and what it considers acceptable is a huge part of why cheating is so rampant. Many commenters think Nigerian men cheat because they are taught it’s their right, that they can get away with it, while women were (are?) taught to forgive and remain in the relationship if the man cheats, especially, as taynement mentioned, when the woman is financially dependent on the man.

Sting mentioned polygamy. The polygamous histories of many families (both of my grandfathers had two wives each, for example) doesn’t help: men were (are?) brought up to think that they can be with more than one woman at a time without feeling guilty, and without having to explain themselves.

An anonymous commenter mentioned a double standard: while Nigerian women who are cheated on were (are?) generally told to remain in relationship by family and friends, if the woman is the unfaithful one, the treatment she would receive from her own family, not to mention the larger community, would be quite different: she would be called all sorts of unflattering names and ridiculed, and her husband would not be expected to take her back following her betrayal.

But for every man who thinks cheating is not a big deal, there are men like NBB who make declarations such as “I’m Nigerian Man. I do not cheat and would never cheat. so help me God.”

Generational differences in responses to cheating
As commenters Eniola and Angel007 mentioned, it seems the older generation (our mothers and grandmothers) are more willing to turn the other cheek when it comes to cheating than the younger generation, and while part of me bristles at the thought, I can accept that their approach for a man who cheats only once may make sense. The problem is that I don’t believe a man can cheat “just once”!

I was happy to discover that many of the commenters considered cheating a deal breaker too, though as sting said, who knows if it would remain a deal breaker in reality. We may talk a good game but when push comes to shove, would we really kick a cheater out of our lives for good? My head is screaming YES!!! Whether you know your answer to that question or not, it’s definitely food for thought.

The idea that cheating is a form of abuse and a sign of disrespect
Some commenters mentioned sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and how wives of cheating men can end up contracting them from a man who brings the STD home. As a witty fool mentioned, it would be terrible to get an STD, but imagine having to deal with an incurable STD like genital herpes, or an STD that will reduce your life expectancy, such as HIV? It would add insult to injury! I had not discussed the issue but it doesn’t take much thinking to realize that this is a huge fallout from cheating. There’s the betrayal inherent in the act, but when you add the chance that one could physically suffer for the rest of their life because of the cheater’s acts? Well, let’s not think about it!

There are worse things than cheating
I believe those sharing this opinion are trying to say that infidelity might not be the big deal I have made it because a marriage without infidelity does not automatically mean a good marriage, a loving marriage, a healthy marriage or a solid marriage. I definitely agree, but the entry was about infidelity. Also, I don’t think anyone should feel they must accept infidelity in their marriage because “It could be worse!” How about we take a stand and make sure it’s clear that in addition to infidelity, there are other things that are unacceptable in our marriages?

Not all men cheat
To end on a positive note, not all Nigerian men will cheat, and that’s good news. Many of the married women and some of the unmarried women stated that (with God’s help) their marriage will not be touched by infidelity, and I truly believe that if both of the people in the relationship are committed to the mindset that cheating is not an option, it will not happen. Again, I may be naive.

Chichi made a point that there are usually steps leading to the cheating act(s), and because of that, couples must invest time in their relationship and protect the relationship. Does this mean that a person bent on cheating can be stopped from cheating? No, but we all owe it to our relationships to work with our partner to make it as strong as possible. No one, in my opinion, has the right to cheat.

The antics of celebrities with regard to cheating has been a hot topic in the news this year, but to be honest, what happens among celebrities doesn’t concern me too much. When they’re doing good things, I like to use them as inspiration, and I’m always sad to hear of infidelity, but people who say things like “But she’s so beautiful! How could someone cheat on her?” or “Imagine: he’s with Halle Berry and still he wants to cheat?!”, annoy me. These stars are human so their star status can’t be expected to protect them from acts of betrayal that many humans deal with. (Also on my “annoying” list are people who say, upon hearing of a person who has died young: “Oh, but he was so handsome!” as if the loss is more profound because of his looks. But I digress.)

Back to infidelity. I’m curious about the idea of cheating among Nigerians. I’ve heard in a number of places, including on Verastically Speakin’ in either the chatroom, or as an offhand comment when discussing relationships, a general comment to the effect that many Nigerian men cheat. A friend of mine, fellow Yoruba girl and blogger, has mentioned to me once or twice that Nigerian men will cheat; it’s only a matter of time. Of course, Nigerian men don’t have the monopoly on infidelity (and I’m certainly not saying they do, but keep in mind that I’m Nigerian, this blog is focused on things from my Nigerianish perspective, so that’s why I’m talking about cheating by Nigerians). Men don’t only cheat with single women, so of course this means Nigerian women cheat; in fact, a recent Verastically Speakin’ cohost admitted that she cheated in the past. Anyway, Nigerian women cheating seems to be a less hotly discussed topic than Nigerian men cheating (or maybe it’s the people I talk to?).

I’m not ready to accept that cheating is practically a given in any relationship I enter into with a Nigerian man, and I’m even less prepared to accept that if there is infidelity on the part of my boyfriend and/or husband, my job is to remain in the relationship. I am so thankful that I can say that I am a forgiving person (I wasn’t always!). I used to be a grudge holder, until I realized that holding a grudge makes me feel like crap. It also helped that my dad has always been such a strong example of not letting the sun go down on one’s anger. He was often the one to extend the olive branch to me, even when he was the wronged party. The result is that if someone apologizes to me, I will tend to forgive (and even if they don’t apologize, I’ll try to move on). It doesn’t mean that the hurt won’t linger for some time after that but I make every attempt to leave the incident in the past and move forward with the person.

However, I strongly believe this “moving forward” business will fall apart when it comes to dealing with cheating. If, God forbid, a boyfriend or husband cheats on me, regardless of whether or not he asks for forgiveness, I’ll forgive him because it’s a big step in moving forward. But when I say moving forward, I mean moving forward without him! At this stage in my life, I have a hard time believing that it’s possible for someone to dabble in infidelity just once. It’s like trusting me to only eat just one skittle out of a whole bag of the candy: It. Is. Not. Possible. Better you don’t give me the bag!

I have expressed this opinion before and have been asked what I would do if I had children with my philandering husband, especially since no Nigerian man will allow me to leave him and take his children. I think the fact that I live in North America gives me some confidence about how I would make this decision work. It wouldn’t be easy and it wouldn’t be ideal, and I know I’d be called selfish by many, especially those in our community, but I guess I’m selfish enough to believe that I should be able to be married to someone who will be focused on me as his wife, his one and only, and on any children that we have together, and not look for fulfilment elsewhere.

In order to make sure that it’s well understood that cheating is a huge deal breaker for me, I always make sure that guys I’m talking to know this, well before they’ve made up their mind regarding this crazy chick that is GNG. I don’t need a man who is farting out one hundred dollar US bills, he doesn’t have to have a face (or body) that puts Taye Diggs’s to shame, he doesn’t have to be able to buy my love with expensive gifts (shebi I said a bag of skittles will make my day!). But he cannot cheat!

In addition to making sure he knows my very strong feelings on the matter, I will do my part to have a relationship that is full of communication. In loving a relationship, both parties try to do things that will please the other, so I will work hard to not let myself go, I will strive to grow with my husband (not apart), and I’ll prioritize our time together, even if that means paying for a babysitter every now and then. This doesn’t mean I think that if I don’t do these things, my man has a license to cheat, but I expect relationships to be hard work and you get from them what you put in. (But I’m not ready to do hard work if the topic at hand is infidelity! Maybe I need special prayers!)

Despite all this talk, the way some people talk about infidelity, I wonder if I’ve just been blessed to be surrounded by great examples of loving relationships, relationships that are doing what romance novels did for me as a teen (and in my 20s). Maybe I should just “smarten up” and have a contingency plan for how I will forgive a philandering husband and accept him back into my life and heart instead of planning out I will make my new life without him, but let me be frank: I’m not ready to believe that most Nigerian men cheat, and it’s my job to “deal with it”.

Am I naive?

For me, terms of endearment (from one sex to another) should only be used with those you know well enough to call dear or sweetie, not with someone that you’re just getting to know. If someone calls me dear, I take it to mean that I’m special to them, not like every other female they come across. But how can I be special to a guy who didn’t know me 25 minutes ago??? When a guy I barely know uses those words with me, I either think he’s trying to move too fast, or I think he calls every girl that, which means if I were to date him, I’d possibly hear him calling his female friends dear or angel (which I would not be cool with because of the way I look at terms of endearment). I asked one guy why he was calling me this or that, and he said it was a sign of respect, that he uses the same particular endearment with his sisters. That was probably my chance to say that I’d feel plenty respected if he called me Good Naija Girl, but I didn’t.

I’m a huge fan of nicknames, but when terms of endearment are tossed around too casually, I don’t feel quite comfortable with it. I mentioned this to a couple of friends and one said that if a guy uses those words with women he’s not dating or married to, what does or will he use with his own significant other to set her apart? That’s a question I wonder about too. Another friend said that using terms like that is practically a guarantee that she won’t ever date the guy, I think because it says things about his personality that she’s not interested in. I’m still on the fence on the matter (it’s not like I have a guy calling me dear and sweetie who wants to date me anyhow).

But I am curious:

1. What do you think of a guy who uses those endearments from the beginning?
2. If you are a guy who does this, why do you do it? Should women like me just accept it and stop overthinking the issue?

• you don’t often hear the opposite being articulated (men abstaining from sex for their future wives)
• most of the guys saying this are lying through their teeth because if they were actually dating one of these women who wanted to save sex for marriage, they either wouldn’t be able to date her longer than a few days weeks months because not having sex is a deal breaker for them, or they’d try to use their “persuasive powers” to change the girl’s view on sex out of wedlock (I don’t blame blame them and I know that a man who wants a little somethin’ somethin’ can be quite persuasive, and temptation would be a big problem. The average woman (me included) would probably be tempted to become putty in his hands).

(Am I wrong?)

(We won’t bring in the Christianity aspect since none of us who claim to be Christians can say we adhere perfectly to all parts of the bible, so I can’t say I’m “such a good Christian” for not having sex while I’m busy sinning in others ways.)

So what’s my point? Well, I may not have one. Maybe I want more guys to say what they’re really thinking on the matter, that they think waiting until marriage to have sex with a woman is something they are not prepared to do, though they admire the decision in principle. Maybe I want to hear more guys talking about abstaining (it’s possible I’m just not in contact with such guys. Ekene Agabu is the only guy I know who actually has it out there). Maybe I want to believe that it’s possible in my 30s to meet a guy who will respect my decision and honour it along with me. I’d like to think the right guy would (and not run screaming, certain that I will be a frigid woman in bed). I’d also like to deal with reality.

I don’t mind if my future boyfriend or husband has had other partners, mostly because I’m practical and if a 30 year old female who has not yet had sex is rare, the male version is even rarer. However, I will care about the number he’s sharing. If he’s in his 30s and had lost count, or passes his age when counting up his past partners, that is too many for me.

Ok, enough out of me:

1. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?
2. Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?
3. Will you share your number (with your partner)?
4. Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

If you didn’t, you’re in luck: you can hear the show in its entirety here. It’s two hours long. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I almost can’t believe that it was two hours long because the time went by so fast. There were a lot of guest speakers (five) and we all had something to say. I have to admit I was happy that there was a guy, KC, on the panel because his point of view was that of male who had dated a woman in her 30s, but unfortunately I didn’t get to find out his insight on that particular matter, though he certainly challenged me with one of his questions. He asked if we (single women) would consider going to Nigeria to find a mate (for those of us wanting to marry a Nigerian). (The original question assumed that the guy would be willing to move abroad with you.) My answer was that if I could devote the time to living in Nigeria for a while (I think I said at least 6 months), I’d be all for it. I can’t imagine going to Nigeria for three or four weeks and coming back engaged or with a boyfriend (though funny enough it seems that’s what I was thinking of doing last year). While many guys would do it for love alone, some men sadly have ulterior motives. I’m already suspicious of Nigerian men who live in Nigeria specifically seeking Nigerian women who live abroad; I certainly would not want to find myself in a situation where I feel my biggest asset is my country of residence.

But honestly, I’d need to spend some serious time (months) in Nigeria and get to know the guy and his friends and family a bit better before committing to anything. And regular visits would have to be part of the plan. I have no intention of getting myself into a situation where I am seriously involved with a guy I barely know (and to be fair this could happen with any long distance relationship, not just Nigeria/North America ones), and have only seen a couple of times by the time we marry. You hear stories every day of people who date for years (presumably not long distance) and their marriage barely lasts because they discover they don’t know each other, or that they want different things. I really am not a fan of long distance relationships, but if we must be long distance, can we at least be on the same continent abeg?

So what did I learn? Well, if I am 30 and accomplished, and I’ve worked to get my finances, career and other aspects of my life in order, then I should be prepared and ready to put effort into finding a good match. Mr. Right won’t just walk into my life (despite my wishes): I will have to do my part in making it happen. I don’t leave other parts of my life up to chance: I had to go to an interview to get my job, I had to save money to be able to afford a home. So why would the quest for love be free of effort?

Also, a little instrospection is a good thing. It may be painful, but we should not be afraid to look inwards, at our lives, decisions and the way we’re doing things and see what we may need to change in order to get the results we want. It’s easier to blame others for our problems but before you start throwing blame, make sure there isn’t a single thing you could do to make the outcome better. And even when you know you have done all you can do, try not to play the blame game. A friend shared something from Maya Angelou with me recently:

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

Hmm, I seem to have had a lot to say. Maybe we need to do part two of this show, Vera.

To me, the most compelling reason to change your surname is to signify that you and your spouse are a unit, one family. I like the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, even more so if children are part of the plan. This is more an outward demonstration of the union, I suppose, since the act of taking the name of another cannot make you into a family, any more than putting on running shoes makes you into Usain Bolt.

Some arguments I’ve seen against changing your name include:

• your name (for you) is an important part of your identity (you’ve been Miss/Ms. X for 20, 30, 40 years, how can you change your name after so much of who you are has already been formed under this other name?)
• professional reasons (if you have built your career under a certain name, and have built your reputation, perhaps you’re published under a certain name — changing your name might be a setback career-wise, and may require you to re-establish yourself.)
• changing your name doesn’t magically make your marriage better or stronger so what’s the point?
• her last name is dying out (maybe she’s an only child in the immediate or extended family and she’s the only one left to carry on the family name)
• his last name is incompatible with her first name aesthetically (maybe it looks or sounds strange with her first name, or it’s far too long)

In my personal circle of contacts, I know coworkers (current and former) in their late 20s and 30s who decided to keep their surname upon marriage. Another woman in her late 40s, a family friend, also kept her surname. Two friends in their early 30s were torn about changing their name and as far as I know, neither one has legally changed her name.

I asked one former coworker what she and her husband decided to do for the last name of their children, and their solution was actually quite cool: her surname is three letters long and is Japanese in origin and its pronunciation works perfectly as either a boy or girl’s middle name, so both her daughter and son have the same middle name, which is like having the surnames of both parents. I told her that her case is the exception for women who choose to keep their surname yet want to have a way of uniting themselves with their children (who often take their father’s surname).

I don’t know any African friends or other acquaintances (I don’t have any African coworkers) who decided to keep their surname, or struggled with the decision of changing their name. Is this because African women are more traditional, and less inclined to have “offbeat” weddings? Not necessarily; I just happen to know and be closer to more non-Africans than Africans. At the same time, maybe Africans are more traditional. I say this as I remember all the elements of a traditional engagement in Yorubaland (and I know other Nigerians have specific traditions or elements in their engagement or wedding celebrations). As I watched my cousin go through the different steps, I wanted to know if certain things were specific to the Yoruba engagement ceremony, or just done in my cousin’s own engagement. It turned out most things are things I was curious about are things that are “traditionally done”.

So what will I do? As much as I love my initials, I’m pretty sure I’ll be changing my surname.

For the ladies:

1. How do you feel about changing your name (for those planning to get married)? Do you think you’ll change your name?
2. Do you think Africans are more or less likely (than non-Africans) to feel torn at the thought of changing their last name? Why/Why not?

For the men:

1. How would you react if your fiancée told you she would not be changing her surname?
2. Do you think African men are more or less likely than their non-African counterparts to have a problem with their spouse keeping her maiden name? Why/Why not?

I was pleasantly surprised: there were actually a lot of people in their 20s, and early 30s in attendance. The program was good too (and the open bar and refreshments didn’t hurt either!). The invitation said that the event was from 6:30-8:30pm, but the party kept going for a few hours after that, and there was even a live band for part of it. If this is a sign of what is to come under the new high commissioner, I won’t complain one bit, and I won’t miss an event!

For some of the night, I observed how Nigerian men behave when faced with a lovely woman. The lovely woman in question was my friend, and I introduced her to two (male) family friends. Both guys are professionals, and perhaps that was part of it, but to me they came across as confident and pretty direct guys, which I was happy to see. One told her he had noticed her from the time she entered the room (and she told me later that she had noticed him noticing her), while the other made it clear that he wanted to dance with her, and he did. I wonder if they would have made the first move and gone up to her if they had not been introduced. Or, perhaps, they were on their way to do just that when I got in between them. Anyway, I was impressed the confident and self assured manner of the guys, and the fact that they didn’t seem to be fronting. I’m sure that they will be able to find nice women to settle down with when the time is right.

As I watched the women in the room, I noticed a confidence in them too that I lacked. These women appeared comfortable in their own skin and behaved like they felt they looked their best and were worthy of attention (in a good way). What a contrast to me! I am very self conscious and awkward around guys my age, and perhaps as a result, in social events I think guys automatically dismiss me as a potential anything other than the friend of the girl they are interested in. It’s a role I’m used to and comfortable in, but I would like to move beyond that.

Although I didn’t mind introducing my friend to guys I knew (after I got over forgetting their names—they’re twins sha, and I couldn’t remember which one was older), I gave her a “deer caught in the headlights” look at the prospect of her doing the same for me. I seriously think that step 1 to being a good Nigerian woman is to have confidence in myself or if I don’t, find a way to fake it.

So there you have it! I wouldn’t want you to miss out on what’s hasn’t been happening in my life! Oya, your turn: give me an update on your life.

(Desperate times call for desperate measures!)

Near the end of the night, I was clearing our table off to help the people who organized the party and I sort glanced in the direction of this guy a couple of times. It was so unplanned and I wasn’t looking at him in particular at all (you know how it is), just in that direction (ok, I was actually looking at this other guy who was collecting some decorations, but I think he’s taken). Anyway, the decorations guy was collecting particular decorations and I found one hidden away so I went to give it to him and he thanked me and I left. But the guy I accidentally kept looking at was around there so maybe he thought I deliberately came his way?

Anyways, after my cleaning was done, my sister and I were sitting at our bare table, waiting for our mother to finish saying her goodbyes so we could leave. Who should come over but the guy I kept looking at accidentally!

I liked his confidence, coming up to two hotties (haha), and he was funny. He first asked where we were from and when I told him Naija he was shocked; according to him we don’t look Naija (and I’m sure hearing us speak didn’t help!). He asked if we were out of school and when we said yes, he expressed surprise and said I looked about 22 and my sister 21, shaving 7 and 6 years off our actual ages (I’m betting alcohol may have impaired his judgment). We exchanged a few more words and then he asked for our phone numbers.

Keep in mind he had established that we were sisters. Am I the only who finds it weird that he asked for both our numbers? Maybe he was networking, or maybe he took pity on me (My sister is considered the “fine one”, and I am the friendly/social one who was responding to his questions, while my sister couldn’t really hear him because of the music, and she later told me she had ruled him out because he was too short. Me, I know that beggars can’t be choosers so I at least wanted to see what he was like.)

My sister doesn’t have a cell phone and she didn’t want to give our home number so I told him he could call my cell phone and ask for my sister if he wanted to talk to her (I think she was the reason he came over to us). I’ll give him points for saying something like “No, no I couldn’t do that”.

So, I actually gave my phone number to a guy who may call and ask to talk to my sister. How cool am I? It was nice to interact with another person my age, even though it was just for 10 minutes.

There’s another 40th birthday coming up this weekend and here’s hoping that I have more luck.

While I’ve been busy meeting men who have either been arrested for fraud, are in the process of lying (by omission) about their identity, or who are old enough to be my father, my hot, nice and smart friend has met a guy who seems pretty darn great. Yes, he is still human of course but he seems to be one of the good guys: he’s employed, a legal resident of where he lives and lots of other things that my friend refuses to tell me because um, it’s her budding relationship, not mine!

(I jest o, she’s given me plenty of details about the bobo, even though sometimes I bet she wishes I’d stop asking)

Anyways, that’s not what this entry is actually about. I’m here to tell you something that I really like about Naija men, something that this guy sort of illustrated. I find that oyinbos just don’t understand why some of us have such close ties to our families, while the Naija guy gets that. I mean you have some oyinbo parents who truly believe their responsibility as parents is over once their child turns 18, and you can find them packing up their kid’s bags and wishing them the best in the world the moment their child blows out the candles on the cake. Call me weird, but even though I’m a whole 28 years old, if I was going on a date with a guy that I met online, or even if I met him at the local grocery store, I would tell my family what I’m going to do. I don’t think this will change even when I move out on my own, although I’ll probably only tell them the important things then. It’s not that I need their approval, but I like for them to know what’s going on in my life and what I’m doing. I wouldn’t give them intimate details or anything but they will certainly not ever be surprised if I were to announce that I have a boyfriend because they would have known that I was getting to know someone. Perhaps I’m more open with my family than some might be, but it works for me.

Most Naija guys would not only understand but would be willing to even talk to my parents and say hi to them even before meeting me in person because they know that for some parents it’s important that they know what sort of person their daughter is talking to. A couple of the men I never dated spoke with my mother and it was never a weird or awkward thing; in fact both parties enjoyed it.

Most Naija men won’t give you a hard time if you’re hanging with them and say “Oh, I’m just going to call my parents/sister/uncle and let them know that I won’t be coming over this weekend” or something, whereas my oyinbo friend would be like “You’re 28, why do you have to tell them?” and I’d be like “It’s not that I have to but I want to” and he totally wouldn’t get it. I really appreciate that a Naija guy would get that and wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

Of course if it got to the point where I can’t make a decision without calling mummy, daddy, all my siblings and some “aunties” and “uncles” too, that would be an entirely different matter.