Even more on cheating among Nigerians

Posted on April 28, 2010 by Good Naija Girl

Finally, I’m responding to your most excellent comments provided on the entry on cheating among Nigerians. I’m using this entry to respond generally to common elements, and some of you may receive an email response.

If you skimmed the earlier entry, please understand that I did not say that Nigerians have the monopoly on cheating, nor did I say that a Nigerian man will definitely cheat. The entry is about cheating among Nigerians because I’m Nigerian, and it was a fellow blogger who stated that in her opinion, Nigerian men will cheat, that’s it’s only a matter of time.

Also, talking about cheating doesn’t mean I’m wishing it upon myself or saying it will happen; it’s a topic that I think couples should discuss, not in a “when you cheat” way as if it’s inevitable, but in a “Let’s make sure we’re clear on what our views on infidelity are, what we consider infidelity and how we will prevent such a thing from touching our marriage.” In a perfect world these things would be intuitively understood, but this world is far from perfect. Talking once or twice about scenarios that you hope never happen isn’t a bad thing in my opinion; bringing it up constantly is another matter.

Themes that came out from your comments:

Society allows Nigerian men to cheat
This is a comment that came up over and over again. Society and what it considers acceptable is a huge part of why cheating is so rampant. Many commenters think Nigerian men cheat because they are taught it’s their right, that they can get away with it, while women were (are?) taught to forgive and remain in the relationship if the man cheats, especially, as taynement mentioned, when the woman is financially dependent on the man.

Sting mentioned polygamy. The polygamous histories of many families (both of my grandfathers had two wives each, for example) doesn’t help: men were (are?) brought up to think that they can be with more than one woman at a time without feeling guilty, and without having to explain themselves.

An anonymous commenter mentioned a double standard: while Nigerian women who are cheated on were (are?) generally told to remain in relationship by family and friends, if the woman is the unfaithful one, the treatment she would receive from her own family, not to mention the larger community, would be quite different: she would be called all sorts of unflattering names and ridiculed, and her husband would not be expected to take her back following her betrayal.

But for every man who thinks cheating is not a big deal, there are men like NBB who make declarations such as “Iâ€™m Nigerian Man. I do not cheat and would never cheat. so help me God.”

Generational differences in responses to cheating
As commenters Eniola and Angel007 mentioned, it seems the older generation (our mothers and grandmothers) are more willing to turn the other cheek when it comes to cheating than the younger generation, and while part of me bristles at the thought, I can accept that their approach for a man who cheats only once may make sense. The problem is that I don’t believe a man can cheat “just once”!

I was happy to discover that many of the commenters considered cheating a deal breaker too, though as sting said, who knows if it would remain a deal breaker in reality. We may talk a good game but when push comes to shove, would we really kick a cheater out of our lives for good? My head is screaming YES!!! Whether you know your answer to that question or not, it’s definitely food for thought.

The idea that cheating is a form of abuse and a sign of disrespect
Some commenters mentioned sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and how wives of cheating men can end up contracting them from a man who brings the STD home. As a witty fool mentioned, it would be terrible to get an STD, but imagine having to deal with an incurable STD like genital herpes, or an STD that will reduce your life expectancy, such as HIV? It would add insult to injury! I had not discussed the issue but it doesn’t take much thinking to realize that this is a huge fallout from cheating. There’s the betrayal inherent in the act, but when you add the chance that one could physically suffer for the rest of their life because of the cheater’s acts? Well, let’s not think about it!

There are worse things than cheating
I believe those sharing this opinion are trying to say that infidelity might not be the big deal I have made it because a marriage without infidelity does not automatically mean a good marriage, a loving marriage, a healthy marriage or a solid marriage. I definitely agree, but the entry was about infidelity. Also, I don’t think anyone should feel they must accept infidelity in their marriage because “It could be worse!” How about we take a stand and make sure it’s clear that in addition to infidelity, there are other things that are unacceptable in our marriages?

Not all men cheat
To end on a positive note, not all Nigerian men will cheat, and that’s good news. Many of the married women and some of the unmarried women stated that (with God’s help) their marriage will not be touched by infidelity, and I truly believe that if both of the people in the relationship are committed to the mindset that cheating is not an option, it will not happen. Again, I may be naive.

Chichi made a point that there are usually steps leading to the cheating act(s), and because of that, couples must invest time in their relationship and protect the relationship. Does this mean that a person bent on cheating can be stopped from cheating? No, but we all owe it to our relationships to work with our partner to make it as strong as possible. No one, in my opinion, has the right to cheat.

GNG talks about sex (my father will be so proud!)

Posted on September 28, 2009 by Good Naija Girl

My thoughts on sex before marriage are here and here. I have been lucky to have never been tempted to have sex with any man. This is what happens when you are single, single, single. Whenever the issue of sex comes up with a guy, oftentimes (I didn’t say all the time) he will say something similar to “a woman being a virgin when she gets married will be a good gift for her husband”. And not just guys: other women who have had sex, if they hear of a woman planning to save it for marriage will often commend her, saying it’s a good thing she’s doing and she won’t regret it. I’m not sure if they’re saying it because they actually believe it because they have regrets about their own situation, or they’re trying to sound supportive. A couple of reasons this rubs me the wrong way is:

you don’t often hear the opposite being articulated (men abstaining from sex for their future wives)

most of the guys saying this are lying through their teeth because if they were actually dating one of these women who wanted to save sex for marriage, they either wouldn’t be able to date her longer than a few ~~days~~ ~~weeks~~ months because not having sex is a deal breaker for them, or they’d try to use their “persuasive powers” to change the girl’s view on sex out of wedlock (I don’t blame blame them and I know that a man who wants a little somethin’ somethin’ can be quite persuasive, and temptation would be a big problem. The average woman (me included) would probably be tempted to become putty in his hands).

(Am I wrong?)

(We won’t bring in the Christianity aspect since none of us who claim to be Christians can say we adhere perfectly to all parts of the bible, so I can’t say I’m “such a good Christian” for not having sex while I’m busy sinning in others ways.)

So what’s my point? Well, I may not have one. Maybe I want more guys to say what they’re really thinking on the matter, that they think waiting until marriage to have sex with a woman is something they are not prepared to do, though they admire the decision in principle. Maybe I want to hear more guys talking about abstaining (it’s possible I’m just not in contact with such guys. Ekene Agabu is the only guy I know who actually has it out there). Maybe I want to believe that it’s possible in my 30s to meet a guy who will respect my decision and honour it along with me. I’d like to think the right guy would (and not run screaming, certain that I will be a frigid woman in bed). I’d also like to deal with reality.

I don’t mind if my future boyfriend or husband has had other partners, mostly because I’m practical and if a 30 year old female who has not yet had sex is rare, the male version is even rarer. However, I will care about the number he’s sharing. If he’s in his 30s and had lost count, or passes his age when counting up his past partners, that is too many for me.

Ok, enough out of me:

What are your thoughts on premarital sex?
Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?
Will you share your number (with your partner)?
Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

The last name

Posted on January 9, 2009 by Good Naija Girl

I recently stumbled across this article about a woman’s dilemma regarding changing her name after marriage, and it reminded me of a site (and a book) by blogger Ariel, called Offbeat Bride, which is about taking pride in elements of your wedding that might not be conventional. One topic that the blog (and probably the book…I can’t remember anymore) covers is (women) changing their last name (and even men changing their last name!).

To me, the most compelling reason to change your surname is to signify that you and your spouse are a unit, one family. I like the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, even more so if children are part of the plan. This is more an outward demonstration of the union, I suppose, since the act of taking the name of another cannot make you into a family, any more than putting on running shoes makes you into Usain Bolt.

Some arguments I’ve seen against changing your name include:

your name (for you) is an important part of your identity (you’ve been Miss/Ms. X for 20, 30, 40 years, how can you change your name after so much of who you are has already been formed under this other name?)
professional reasons (if you have built your career under a certain name, and have built your reputation, perhaps you’re published under a certain name â€” changing your name might be a setback career-wise, and may require you to re-establish yourself.)
changing your name doesn’t magically make your marriage better or stronger so what’s the point?
her last name is dying out (maybe she’s an only child in the immediate or extended family and she’s the only one left to carry on the family name)
his last name is incompatible with her first name aesthetically (maybe it looks or sounds strange with her first name, or it’s far too long)

In my personal circle of contacts, I know coworkers (current and former) in their late 20s and 30s who decided to keep their surname upon marriage. Another woman in her late 40s, a family friend, also kept her surname. Two friends in their early 30s were torn about changing their name and as far as I know, neither one has legally changed her name.

I asked one former coworker what she and her husband decided to do for the last name of their children, and their solution was actually quite cool: her surname is three letters long and is Japanese in origin and its pronunciation works perfectly as either a boy or girl’s middle name, so both her daughter and son have the same middle name, which is like having the surnames of both parents. I told her that her case is the exception for women who choose to keep their surname yet want to have a way of uniting themselves with their children (who often take their father’s surname).

I don’t know any African friends or other acquaintances (I don’t have any African coworkers) who decided to keep their surname, or struggled with the decision of changing their name. Is this because African women are more traditional, and less inclined to have “offbeat” weddings? Not necessarily; I just happen to know and be closer to more non-Africans than Africans. At the same time, maybe Africans are more traditional. I say this as I remember all the elements of a traditional engagement in Yorubaland (and I know other Nigerians have specific traditions or elements in their engagement or wedding celebrations). As I watched my cousin go through the different steps, I wanted to know if certain things were specific to the Yoruba engagement ceremony, or just done in my cousin’s own engagement. It turned out most things are things I was curious about are things that are “traditionally done”.

So what will I do? As much as I love my initials, I’m pretty sure I’ll be changing my surname.

For the ladies:

How do you feel about changing your name (for those planning to get married)? Do you think you’ll change your name?
Do you think Africans are more or less likely (than non-Africans) to feel torn at the thought of changing their last name? Why/Why not?

For the men:

Do you think African men are more or less likely than their non-African counterparts to have a problem with their spouse keeping her maiden name? Why/Why not?