The last name

Posted on January 9, 2009 by Good Naija Girl

I recently stumbled across this article about a woman’s dilemma regarding changing her name after marriage, and it reminded me of a site (and a book) by blogger Ariel, called Offbeat Bride, which is about taking pride in elements of your wedding that might not be conventional. One topic that the blog (and probably the book…I can’t remember anymore) covers is (women) changing their last name (and even men changing their last name!).

To me, the most compelling reason to change your surname is to signify that you and your spouse are a unit, one family. I like the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, even more so if children are part of the plan. This is more an outward demonstration of the union, I suppose, since the act of taking the name of another cannot make you into a family, any more than putting on running shoes makes you into Usain Bolt.

Some arguments I’ve seen against changing your name include:

your name (for you) is an important part of your identity (you’ve been Miss/Ms. X for 20, 30, 40 years, how can you change your name after so much of who you are has already been formed under this other name?)
professional reasons (if you have built your career under a certain name, and have built your reputation, perhaps you’re published under a certain name â€” changing your name might be a setback career-wise, and may require you to re-establish yourself.)
changing your name doesn’t magically make your marriage better or stronger so what’s the point?
her last name is dying out (maybe she’s an only child in the immediate or extended family and she’s the only one left to carry on the family name)
his last name is incompatible with her first name aesthetically (maybe it looks or sounds strange with her first name, or it’s far too long)

In my personal circle of contacts, I know coworkers (current and former) in their late 20s and 30s who decided to keep their surname upon marriage. Another woman in her late 40s, a family friend, also kept her surname. Two friends in their early 30s were torn about changing their name and as far as I know, neither one has legally changed her name.

I asked one former coworker what she and her husband decided to do for the last name of their children, and their solution was actually quite cool: her surname is three letters long and is Japanese in origin and its pronunciation works perfectly as either a boy or girl’s middle name, so both her daughter and son have the same middle name, which is like having the surnames of both parents. I told her that her case is the exception for women who choose to keep their surname yet want to have a way of uniting themselves with their children (who often take their father’s surname).

I don’t know any African friends or other acquaintances (I don’t have any African coworkers) who decided to keep their surname, or struggled with the decision of changing their name. Is this because African women are more traditional, and less inclined to have “offbeat” weddings? Not necessarily; I just happen to know and be closer to more non-Africans than Africans. At the same time, maybe Africans are more traditional. I say this as I remember all the elements of a traditional engagement in Yorubaland (and I know other Nigerians have specific traditions or elements in their engagement or wedding celebrations). As I watched my cousin go through the different steps, I wanted to know if certain things were specific to the Yoruba engagement ceremony, or just done in my cousin’s own engagement. It turned out most things are things I was curious about are things that are “traditionally done”.

So what will I do? As much as I love my initials, I’m pretty sure I’ll be changing my surname.

For the ladies:

How do you feel about changing your name (for those planning to get married)? Do you think you’ll change your name?
Do you think Africans are more or less likely (than non-Africans) to feel torn at the thought of changing their last name? Why/Why not?

For the men:

How would you react if your fiancÃ©e told you she would not be changing her surname?
Do you think African men are more or less likely than their non-African counterparts to have a problem with their spouse keeping her maiden name? Why/Why not?

The friends you have

Posted on August 27, 2008 by Good Naija Girl

One thing that I have not been able to do until recently is cultivate a close friendship with a fellow Nigerian, and in fact, this is still a work in progress. We can blame the area I live in for this: there were no other Africans (talk less Nigerians) in my grade of highschool (and only two other black people in my graduating class). So, I missed out on the opportunity to bond with friends over our strict parents who abhor sleepovers and drinking parties and expect “our studies” to take precedence over everything, including extra curricular activities, “hanging out”, and having a boyfriend (and in most cases God help you if you mention this as something you want to ‘experience’ to your parents!). It would have been nice to have been able to say “Oh, mom, I’m going over to Bola’s houseâ€”you know, Mr. and Mrs. Adebayo’s daughter?â€”to hang out” and have them nod or smile approvingly.

Anyways, I don’t want to give the impression that the alternative was bad, because it wasn’t. It was just different. For the most part my friends have been oyinbos, with a few visible minorities from countries in Asia, and a friend from Jamaica. In grade school my closest friends were oyinbo, and for the first part of highschool, I hung out with oyinbos too. They were born and raised in Canada, and their parents and grandparents were too. But then I became closer to some girls who were oyinbo but had emigrated from Europe to Canada in recent years and we found we had a lot in common and could even share stories of our parents’ belief in corporal punishment at least in our early years. It was nice to have friend who understood what it meant to know you were going to have to work to pay your own way through university, who wouldn’t say “Can’t you ask your parents for money?” when you tell them that you don’t have money to do this or that activity, who knew that you wouldn’t be getting a car for your 16th, 18th or 21st birthday, and understood that you might not be able to just hang out at the mall after school because you might have to go home and babysit your siblings for an hour or so, or that you actually want to chip in financially with the family when you can because you know what your parents are going through (or have gone through).

I was lucky: my close friends from highschool and I went to the same local university, so we were able to stick together and keep building our friendship, and to this day two of them are my closest friends ever, and know a whole lot about me.

While in university, I met other Nigerians: not very many, but there were at least three or four in my classes. I had a crush on one guy, Chibuzo, who I had a habit of running into only when I was dressed like crap but that’s a story for another day. I met one girl in particular, let’s call her Nike, who I knew was a fellow Nigerian (and she knew the same of me) but we both had our own group of friends and really didn’t connect enough to exchange more than the usual pleasantries.

I would later find out that we have a very similar family life and that our parents are friends, and we eventually started to run into each other at Nigerian parties. Since we’ve finished university, we’ve tried to get closer and gone out for dinner a few times, but we both have our busy and conflicting schedules, not to mention our longtime friendships with our non-Nigerian friends that take precedence.

In the last few years, I’ve wanted to become closer friends with Nigerians, but when you are trying to make friends when you’re older, it can be harder, since most people have established groups of friends. I have been lucky in the last year to meet some bloggers who I know I’d love to hang out with in person and gist with, but most of them live far away. Don’t cry for me though: I have met one really cool Naija girl right here in my city (not a blogger but she reads blogs) and now we hang out and are good friends (at least from my side sha).

What are your friends like? Are they from all over the world? Mostly Nigerian? Mostly non-Nigerian? A mix? Share!

Say my name, say my name

Posted on June 10, 2008 by GoodNaijaGirl

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning and when I got there, the receptionist had me fill out a sheet since this was my first time visiting this doctor. Then she had to enter the information into the computer system.

I handed her my health card and she asked me which of the names was my surname. I pointed it out and as she looked at it, she exclaimed “Wow!” and asked how to pronounce it. We repeated this with my first name, and she asked if people refer to me by the first part, Ola. I said no, that they actually use the last part of my name and she said ok.

Then she said that she didn’t call me to remind me of my appointment because my name was too hard to pronounce, and she didn’t want to try saying it, so she had hoped that I would remember to show up, and she was glad that I did.

I was a bit appalled that she wouldn’t even try. I mean those of you who have complicated (by North American or UK standards) names are used to having your name butchered by non-Nigerians who try to pronounce it, and that’s not a big deal because to a non-Nigerian our names are complicated. I appreciate anybody who tries, and have no problem correcting them if needed. As you know I’ve even North Americanized the pronunciation of my name so chances are good she would have said it exactly as I would expect her to.

So, I was a bit annoyed that if I had forgotten about the appointment which was made a few months ago, I would have had to pay the fee for missing an appointment because she didn’t call to remind me (to their credit it’s not their obligation to call, but all doctor’s offices do).

I should have said something like “You could have at least tried!” or “It’s no big deal; I would have known who you were referring to.” but I didn’t. Maybe next time she’ll try, now that she knows how to say it.