I’m thankful for growth, and I was reminded of how much sense the term growing pains makes! Over the past month I’ve overpondered this idea of entrepreneurship, changing my vision for my life, and actually believing that I can do it, even if this “it” isn’t that well defined. It’s all very much a work in progress, one requiring daily commitment, and that’s the hardest part for me, being consistent. I’m excited by all the wonderful resources that are available online—for free!—to help anyone who is ready to get serious about accomplishing his or her goals. I feel like I’m moving forward and that I’ll look back on 2012 and recall it being the start of something really great.

I truly appreciate the little ways that God takes care of me. One example: just a few minutes ago I did my usual ritual of turning on the light to my doorway to see if I locked my front door. Locking my front door and checking to make sure it’s actually locked before bed are such ingrained habits that I do them on autopilot. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that for the first time in over two years, that door wasn’t locked! I am thankful that I noticed. On that same note, it’s so important to be aware: we sometimes do things on autopilot or are too busy multitasking to really take in all that we’re engaged in. Earlier this week I had to drive back home because I hadn’t paid attention to whether or not my front door was locked and when I returned home, the door was locked. However, I wasn’t paying attention again while re-locking the door so I ended up having to get out of the car just before leaving to check—very unusual for me. My situation is minor but think of what could have happened if I had left my door unlocked in those two occasions. Maybe all would have been well but unfortunately severe consequences have resulted from the actions of distracted people so please: be aware.

I’m thankful for supportive and appreciative friends. Aloted wrote a lovely tribute that left me feeling so loved. I was very touched—it was so unexpected—and I really appreciate her thinking so highly of me. I’ve been helping another friend set up her website (that sounds like I actually know what I’m doing—hah!)…it’s nice to know even my meagre and unprofessional efforts are able to benefit somebody, and these two women have been so supportive to me too. It’s interesting how something—a word we said or an action we decided to make—something that we may not think so highly of, can mean a lot to someone else.

I’m also thankful for the friends who call me out and challenge me. It’s never a comfortable exercise but I (eventually) take something good away from the hard (to hear) but true words that are said.

I am thankful for my parents’ health, something I will never take for granted. I am thankful for my own health too…every day that I can command my body to do what I want it to do—walk, run, jump, sit, eat—is a day to show appreciation to the One who made us. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see someone in a wheelchair without appreciating the blessings I take for granted.

I’m thankful for the power of forgiveness in my life. I had a revelation yesterday that I had been holding several grudges without really thinking about them. They weren’t things that were keeping me awake at night but I can see how with time they could become actual problems. I’m thankful that now that I’m aware of them I can let them go and do what’s necessary to resolve them.

I could keep going but it’s past 2:00am and sleep is winning me over with its charm. Please tune in on twitter to learn what other things I’m thankful for.

Happy New Month to you! Wishing friends and family a happy new month is such a Nigerian thing to me (but maybe other non-Canadian cultures do it too?). Anyway, I love the surprise text messages I get from several friends, wishing me all sorts of great things in the new month. Waiting until midnight strikes on December 31 to send such wishes is just too long because we need encouragement and reminders to be hopeful every. single day.

(Or maybe it’s just me?)

(It’s not. This life is hard.)

March was a challenging month for me in every area of my life: career, relationships, friendships, finances, health, and sense of self-worth. I was never hopeless or in total despair and I did have honestly thankful moments. Even at my worst I was so glad that my parents’ collective health was ok. However, I battled and am still battling anger, disappointment, fear, insecurity, whininess, pity-seeking, selfishness, and pride. I feel sorry for anyone who had to hear even a bit about how I’ve been feeling about all the different areas in my life. The good news is I’m getting through it and I truly thank God for that.

One great blessing that happened was yesterday. It was Earth Hour and between 8:30 and 9:30 in the evening people around the world were encouraged to turn off their lights and generally consume as little energy as possible. I was committed to this idea. My laptop’s battery and phone battery were almost completely drained so I plugged them in before Earth Hour with the idea that I’d have enough “juice” in them to power them for the next hour so I could stay connected to the world. But as I ran around my house unplugging everything, I realized that to truly commit to this, I would have to unplug my modem and my router, meaning no internet on my computer!

(The horror, right?)

But I’d still have my phone.

However, five minutes into Earth Hour, I realized that wasn’t how I wanted to spend my hour. Instead of it being a case of “Let me use all the devices that I can until they die and then sit here counting down until 9:30pm”, I wanted to to use the time to reflect so that’s what I did. I prayed about some of the things on my mind, brought up all the scenarios dancing around my head and tried to work out strategies to tackle them. I should have written it down but I was in a cocoon I had created for myself with blankets and asking me to move would have been too much.

However I’ve taken time today to write down most of it and work on a plan for success in those areas that are lagging.

And guess what? The hour flew by, I came out of it calmer and more at peace.

March was not easy but I did learn some lessons:

• Sometimes the very thing you think will bring you closer will drive you apart.
• Just because something is your priority does not make it someone else’s priority, no matter how much they love you.
• Very few people in this world can give you unconditional love like family.
• Don’t settle for less (especially with cable and internet companies!)
• You will probably regret letting your pride win (this is a lesson my pride insists on letting me learn the hard way…ouch in advance!).
• Fear of failure will stop you from reaching your full potential so DO IT ALREADY. I can do it!!! (To help, I’m watching Living Fearlessly tomorrow).
• You cannot make someone want the best for themselves. If you’re working harder than they are for it, there’s a problem there.

I wish you all the best in April…let’s show this month who’s boss!

The predictably long introduction that gives you more background information than you want (or need):

My family is lower-middle class: both of my grandfathers were farmers in Nigeria. My parents did not grow up in houses with plumbing (typical, I imagine, for their generation in Nigeria) and even today, my grandparents live in pretty much the same conditions as they did 30 years ago: their houses do not have an indoor kitchen or indoor plumbing. I think most of my grandparents’ contemporaries own or inherited a home.

My dad worked for six years after finishing high school before coming to North America to study. If he had not received a full scholarship he would have kept working with a goal of earning enough to go to a good school because his love of learning and his belief that it (knowledge) would lead to freedom were the driving factors in his pursuit of higher education. But back to the point of this entry: money. After my dad finished his schooling, and after my parents concluded that their four kids might be best served staying in Canada, given the uncertain economy in Nigeria, they entered into what I’ve always called a typical immigrant experience. Those early years were coloured with extreme budgeting and stretching money as far as it could go. Second-hand shops were known to us. My parents’ strong work ethic led to them work as much as they could but they always put us children first: we never had babysitters because they didn’t have family to watch us and they couldn’t trust strangers with their most precious possession. They just worked their schedules around us until I was old enough to babysit.

My parents rented various living spaces for us in different cities until they bought a house in 1998, shortly after my dad got a permanent job with a secure employer. They’re about halfway through paying their mortgage I think, and given their ages (late 50s/early 60s) they are years behind their Canadian counterparts, who have paid off their homes by that age.

If I asked my parents, I think they’d say that their financial situation has improved from those early days in Canada. I feel bad that they’re still working so hard without feeling like they’re making quick progress. I don’t think they’ll feel comfortable retiring until they’ve paid off the house but I don’t want them to physically work so hard anymore. But God has been good and we have been blessed. Every parent dreams that their children will be able to live a better life than their own, and have more money or material possessions with which to do it, and my parents are no different. When I bought my house (I have a 25-year mortgage, of course!) just before I turned 30 years of age, they were very proud and happy for me. When I bought a new car last year (to be paid off in the next 4-5 years hopefully!), they were again pleased. They (and I) hope that my siblings will be able to do even better when the time comes.

But the ability to do these things comes down to money. I definitely didn’t have the money to pay for either of my purchases in cash, but it was important for me to make a significant downpayment on the house. If my dad hadn’t encouraged me to invest whatever I could starting in my late teens, and if I hadn’t schooled in the same town that my parents lived in, I would probably have had a lot more debt than I had when I finished school, and buying a house or a car would not have been possible until I paid off my debt. Although my parents didn’t pay for my schooling, they provided me with a safe and secure home in which to live, which allowed me to save the money needed for the downpayment (after paying off my student loans). The good example they set with living within their means rubbed off on me and I learned how to be disciplined enough to manage my money in a way that I could pay my bills once I was living on my own.

What was the point of this entry again?
So back to my newfound interest in financial freedom. I was complacent because I thought I was doing well: I have a plan in place to pay off my house in a little less than 25 years and I increased my bi-weekly payments at the end of the last year so I can pay off my car sooner. But could I do better? I never thought to ask that question until near the end of last year because I was satisfied with my efforts. After getting inspired by a colleague’s examination of her finances I decided to look at my own. That led to me reading The Automatic Millionaire: Canadian Edition: A Powerful One-Step Plan to Live and Finish Rich this week and after that I was inspired do more. The original book was written for an American audience so those of you who are interested can check it out.

The information the book provides is very practical. The first principle is to “pay yourself first”, and take advantage of the opportunity to make contributions to your RRSPs (retirement savings, the Canadian equivalent of the 401(k)) before taxes are taken off your income, reducing your taxable income. The “automatic” part of the plan is to set up everything—contributions to your savings and payment of debts—as automatic withdrawals or transfers, so that you don’t have to count on yourself to be disciplined: just set it up once and everything happens by magic.

One of the examples given in the book is of a couple who bought a house, paid it off as soon as possible, bought another house and kept the first home as a rental property, the profits from which were no doubt used to pay off the new house as soon as possible. Guess what? I want to do the same thing! Owning more than one piece of property wasn’t something I ever aspired to—I’d be happy to own one—but when you read a book like that it’s hard not to be inspired to make your money work hard for you and make things like this happen.

Nigeria versus Canada (or the USA)
One thing I like about home ownership in Nigeria is if you say you’ve bought a home it’s actually 100% yours in most cases: you can build your house at your own pace and when it’s finished there’s no mortgage to worry about. If I had to wait until I could pay for a house in cash before buying, I’d never be a homeowner! The interest I’ll pay at the end of the whole thing is annoying to think of, but the only way to minimize interest payments on a mortgage is to pay it off as fast as you can.

I don’t know if the Nigerian government has programs to encourage Nigerians to save for their future. I think some employers must offer pensions that are paid to the employee upon retirement but I really don’t know if that’s the case. I also don’t have a good sense of the general attitude toward money in Nigeria, especially saving for the future so please educate me:

1. What is the general feeling among Nigeria-based Nigerians about saving for the future, debt, and being economical?
2. What is your approach to money: Are you frugal? Do you invest? Are you dealing with debt?
3. What are your future goals with regard to financial freedom? Do you have a plan to get there?

If you’re lucky enough to be employed, I hope you’ll think about saving some of your earnings for your future, both long-term and for a rainy day. If you’re in debt and feel hopeless about the future don’t! I promise you that with consistent work to pay down what you owe, it will go down. You will and can get financially free.

When I heard her show was ending earlier this year, and that there would be opportunities for anyone to be on her show, my colleague and I tried hard to get on the show but we weren’t successful. I watched an interview of her by Barbara Walters and I was really touched by a lot of what she said. The best part for me was that after “going all spiritual” for so many years and not mentioning God, she talked about God specifically by that name at the end.

That being said, I don’t know exactly what Oprah’s beliefs are, and while I’m not a very good example of a Christian, I am striving for a God-centred life so that will always be my main belief system. The last time I wrote about Oprah someone left a comment asking how I could like her in light of what she said about Nigerians. From googling I learned that quite a few Nigerian forums quoted her saying that all Nigerians are corrupt, which is clearly a misguided statement. I wish I could find an article or something that would give some context but I haven’t been successful. I’ve decided not to hold that against her, seeing as I am not perfect either and have made generalizations about various groups of people.

Enough preamble! All I want to say is that I am loving Oprah’s Lifeclass! When Oprah went off the air I thought she was gone for good but for her to come back with a show that shares the lessons she’s learned over the years in a way that rings so true within you and sticks with you is fantastic. This is the third week of her Lifeclass. I’ve watched six episodes and enjoyed these four in particular:

• Lesson 3: You become what you believe
• Lesson 6: Who you were meant to be – everyone has a calling
• Lesson 9: You’re responsible for your life
• Lesson 11: Your life speaks to you in a whisper

I like how she uses clips from her 25 years of talk show footage to support these various lessons, in addition to including updates on some of the past stories as well as fresh perspectives. My life goal is to figure out my purpose and with God and resources like this show I think I’ll reach that goal. Even if you’ve heard these lessons before, I know you’ll benefit from hearing them again. In fact if I wasn’t such a cheap girl I would say that I can’t wait to buy the dvd collection of life lessons when it comes out.

If you have access to OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) I encourage you to tune in at 8:00pm EST one weeknight and see if the show brings something good to your life. The next episode this coming Monday is about following your gut.

Additionally, I am thankful for some other things:

• My sister got a better job! It’s a short-term contract position to start but we’re praying that this will be the start of something bigger and much longer in duration. It’s a great start to her 30th year of life! I’m also thankful to my friend who allowed me to send my sister’s resume to her so she could forward it to the people in charge of hiring.
• I have good friends who care about me and build me up when I’m feeling down, and that includes you! Thank you for the responses on my last post and the care I read in your comments.
• Material blessings. Whenever I get into my car I smile and I remind myself that it’s just a thing. But it still makes me smile.
• Inspiration. I seem to find it everywhere! I haven’t acted on it yet but by God’s grace I will sooner rather than later. I must carve out time for what I need to do instead of lazing about during the evenings.
• Life. There have been quite a few “senseless” deaths in my city in the past week (two accidents and a suicide come immediately to mind) and I am thankful that I am alive. I was watching Oprah’s Lifeclass and she was talking about how she appreciates every birthday because she knows many who didn’t live to a certain age. I am so thankful that I realized how blessed I am in this regard some years back. I am truly thankful every morning that I open my eyes (I often smile to myself and say “Thank you, God”), even if I groan at the thought of going to work or even if my 32 year old face no longer looks dewy fresh. Life is a gift! Please be thankful that you’ve made it to another day.

What are you thankful for? Nothing is too small to list.

For the last few years, my dad has been encouraging me to get involved in the association because without “young people”, the association will die. It’s true that the average age of those attending meetings is probably around mid-40s, and the picnic and end of year party are rarely attended by people in their late teens, 20s, or 30s, aside from those of us whose parents are founding members and who ask us to attend. In fact, attending these sorts of events is one of the reason I call myself a Good Nigerian Girl (in a tongue-in-cheek way!).

There are a couple of other Nigerian associations in the city, and the president of one of them is a guy around my age who seems very dynamic, focused and hardworking. He stepped into a pretty bad mess with lots of politics, but according to many of the elders of the community, he’s making strides in the right direction. I ran into him at an event last weekend and he asked me to take the post of Youth Coordinator. I was reluctant at first (I would prefer to be responsible for public relations and publicity) but the more we talked the more interested I became, though I refused to commit. The main reason was because I felt like I would be betraying the Yoruba association if I got on board with this other association, especially since the Youth Coordinator of the Yoruba association had recently contacted my sister and I regarding helping with youth coordination. So, I called the Yoruba association’s Youth Coordinator and she said the help needed was actually for this other association, which meant I was free to volunteer as Youth Coordinator after all.

I have to admit I’m scared to hold this position. There is a significant time commitment, and I don’t want to be involved in something that is disorganized and shoddily run, something I already told the president. I feel like I’m going to attend the meetings and be that annoying person asking for a calendar or asking for timelines for things, but someone has to do it. The new president seems to like order and organization too so maybe things won’t be so bad.

Then of course there’s the youth. It’s a tall order to ask one person to be responsible for Nigerians ranging in age from the late teens to the early 30s (as far as I can tell that is the age range). This will probably mean organizing different events for different age levels and although I know how to run an event, I still have my insecurities: I’m not a cool person, I never have been. I’m a bit geeky, more traditional, so if these kids expect me to be up to date on all the latest Naija lingo or music, they will be disappointed. If they expect me to be a fashionista, again: disappointment awaits them.

Also, in my experience, college and university-age adults stay away from Nigerian-run events for a few reasons: first, they may not hear about it due to poor publicity, secondly they find the events dry and disorganized, and thirdly they may not want to associate with Nigerian cultural associations, period. However I’m at the stage where I feel the need for Nigerians to make more of an impact on our city. There are quite a few of us around and we know so little about each other. We don’t network, we don’t support each other’s initiatives because we don’t know about them, and I think we should do more in that direction. So personally, my goal is more to build community and provide resources for those who might be new to the city, but I know I will have to let the people who identify as youth direct what we do because if they are not interested in it, or if they don’t feel a part of it, there will be no youth to coordinate.

How about you? Are you involved in a (local) Nigerian association? What has your experience been interacting with Nigerian associations (either as a member or an attendee of an event run by a Nigerian association)?

This month has been so rich with things to be thankful for and there are other things that I’ve probably forgotten to recognize. On the other side, the loss of life always makes me somber and this week I learned of two people passed away: one was one of my grandmother’s closest friends (may she rest in peace) and the other was a leader of one of the political parties in our country. I have to admit I was particularly touched by this latter passing because people who manage to show a brave and optimistic face in the light of their battle with cancer always blow me away. Rest in peace, Jack Layton. He left a letter to Canadians which touched me.

1. Today is my incredible father’s birthday. He has faced many challenges this year so I am thankful that he has made it to another year. Please pray for him, that this new year he’s entering would be one of answered prayers with regard to his employment situation, impeccable health, and freedom from those things that cause him stress. I will always consider it my extreme honour to have been placed by God in this family as my Daddy’s daughter.
2. My mother celebrated her birthday last month. I’ve talked about her before, and asked for prayers for her before because she faces health challenges, but I’m regularly blown away by how she always manages to keep her high energy and optimistic nature. I tear up just thinking about the pain she endures daily without letting on: she’s always thinking about others and how we’d feel knowing she’s in pain, rather than allowing herself to be the one that is cared for. My father was not able to be there for her birthday (I mentioned very briefly in May that a family member moved; it was my dad) but we managed to find a way to make my mom’s birthday special. Her gift from me was a train ticket so she could spend almost two weeks with my dad and they enjoyed that.
3. My mom is healing from the surgery she had on her hand at the end of June. The surface is healing slowly but surely but the inside is taking longer to heal. Some dear friends have suggested physiotherapy so I’ll do my part to explore that option.
4. I bought a car! I have had it in my possession for three days and I love it. It’s my baby right now: I’m trying to keep it from getting dented or scratched. Sometimes I laugh at myself because if I’m acting like this over a car, imagine how crazy I will be over a child of mine? The car should be completely mine in four years (maybe one day I’ll be able to pay cash for a car!) so I will have to be disciplined in my spending moving forward. The whole car purchasing process was emotional for me and I could not have done it without my family’s support. I know a big girl like me should not need to count on anyone else but guess what? I choose to.
5. We (well, my parents) are hosting the family that have graciously allowed us to stay with them when we land in Lagos. The whole family (six people in total) are here for a few days in what I’m calling their “North American tour” and I just know we’re going to have a good time. The husband and wife are so generous with their time and money yet so down to earth. You don’t often meet people with that kind of humility, especially growing up with the blessings they have. They live in a society where showiness and flaunting of riches is en vogue so for them to be so low-key is refreshing.
6. My dear friend Chiddy who has been reading my blogs since 2005 or so (in the days before this blog) has arrived safely in the USA. I’m so thankful that her travels went well, without any mishap.
7. The church I have been attending for the past nine months or so has been such a blessing. I feel challenged whenever I walk out of the doors of the church, after a sermon. The music speaks to my soul; like my mom said you can’t help but reflect on the words you’re singing and often tears will stream down my face while singing certain songs. The sermon yesterday was about how we have a responsibility to share the good news of Jesus with others. I have always shirked my duty in this regard because I’m more afraid of what someone (a non-God-believing friend or colleague) will think of me if I tell them about my beliefs, instead of being focused on what God will think if I don’t use an opportunity presented to me to share with others. I also worry that with my many bad qualities that my life just won’t be enough of an example for them to want to be a believer too…gotta work on that.

   The pastor who preached told us that if we think this belief in God thing is so great, why wouldn’t we want to share it with others? This makes complete sense because if you found out about a place giving a great deal on something, you’d want to let others know right?

   I have to admit I like how Nigerian culture has God wrapped up in it. Even those who are going through the motions and don’t really believe in God have at least had exposure to people who believe in God, which I think makes it easier.

It is bedtime for this thankful and blessed girl.

But the annoying habit of men isn’t my topic. What I want to talk about is how mean I was to my sister as a result of this guy choosing her back in 2008. I refused to talk to her during our trip, I was hurt and as a result I wanted her to feel uncomfortable too. Her point of view was “I didn’t do anything to make this guy like me! Yes, you liked him but I never showed interest in him! It is not my fault that this guy chose me.” and of course I didn’t want to hear that (even though I knew it was true). I could not accuse her of doing anything to steal this guy from me: he was never mine to begin with, I was just hoping he was the guy for me. It was not a shining moment for me, and I was so glad that we eventually got past it.

Guess what? I finally know what it feels like to be in my sister’s shoes. No, a guy didn’t choose me over my sister, but it’s a similar situation: once again a guy has chosen my sister over someone else and since the spurned person is closer to me than to my sister, I feel I am the one who is being punished for this. I am trying to be sensitive because I’ve been in this friend’s situation before. I’ve tried to reach out and drafted what seems like a very long email explaining things from my point of view, but I don’t think I’ll send it in the end. It was more of a cathartic exercise. I hope things work out between us but at the same time I feel like my sister did: I know in my heart that neither I nor my sister did anything to make this guy like her. I have tried to talk to my friend and now I must leave the rest to God.

Another friend of mine shared a similar incident where she, like me back in 2008, had a hard time dealing with the feeling of betrayal that develops when matters of the heart don’t progress as hoped. Today she is engaged to a man who loves her and who she loves, and they are doing their white wedding later this year.

The only thing I know is that time heals these wounds and we must always trust that God has better plans for us than the ones we have for ourselves. Even if the guy seems like your soul mate, even if that job seems made for you, if you don’t get it, trust that something better is in store, although you may need to wait a while for it!

I am now thankful that this guy who chose my sister over me in 2008 did not choose me because maybe I would not have been able to deal with the emotional aspects of the relationship ending like my sister did. I am certain that someone far better than this guy is out there not only for my sister or me, but for my friend too. I hope we’ll be reconciled one day in the future.

A colleague even told me that when my employer was hiring and deciding which applicants to interview, on the day that my Japanese colleague and I were interviewed, they thought I was her based on our last name. (Funny enough they hired my colleague due to her better qualifications, but she ended up getting pregnant soon after so they hired me to replace her during her maternity leave, then a position was created while I was there and I applied for it and got it and five years later I’m still working there!)

I don’t know much about the origin of my surname, but it’s something I intend to explore. One of my oyinbo (Caucasian) colleagues is interested in genealogy and she’s managed to trace parts of at least one side of her family (her great, great grandfather I think) to when they first left their country of origin (in Europe) and immigrated to Canada. Along the way, her family name went through changes in spelling and pronunciation, which I guess happens in an attempt to blend in with the new country. Genealogy is quite a common hobby of retired oyinbos here; there’s something very reassuring about knowing where you come from. A former pastor at my old church was also piecing together his family tree because when you think of it, genealogy is a puzzle with a goal of finding missing pieces (people) and figuring out where in the big picture they fit. I bet it’s also fun to uncover scandals too!

The older I get, the more interested in my roots I become. I don’t think I’m interested in generating a family tree as much as I want to know what life was like when my relatives were young, what Nigeria was like long ago. I regret that I didn’t get to ask my great grandmother various questions before she passed away in 2005, but my interest in my roots didn’t spark until late 2003, and my last visit to Nigeria before that was in 1994. Because I knew I wasn’t going to be in Nigeria any time soon, I focused my efforts on learning Yoruba and Pidgin from online forums. But God is good: I still have two grandmothers, one grandfather and various relatives who can give me some information. I just need to figure out what I want to know and the best way to capture the information. My father’s mom is quite old and is hard of hearing so I may need to count on my dad and his sister to remember various things about her life.

Not every family from Nigeria is like my own but I know that most of the record-keeping of people my father’s age and older was by memory. As far as I know my dad doesn’t have a birth certificate and his name isn’t recorded in any hospital records or at any church as is the case for the relatives of some Canadians who seek their roots to Europe, but this doesn’t mean that all is lost. The next time that I am in Nigeria I intend to look through the things in my dad’s room in his father’s house to see if I can find some items that might provide information on our history, like letters perhaps. And something I can do right here in Canada is something I’ve always wanted to do: look through old pictures and see if there are any clues I can use to piece together our family’s history.

Do you know much about your family’s history? If you don’t, would you know where to go to get that information?