You may be aware of people who marry citizens of the country they desire to gain citizenship to under false pretenses then divorce when they have what they want. In some cases the fraudster is already engaged or married to someone else, a fact they keep hidden from the person they are marrying, which just leads to more heartache in the end. Though the documentary focused on the couples being from different cultures, there were also examples of people of the same culture, one a Canadian citizen, the other not, where the Canadian had been defrauded.

(There is another group that makes a business transaction to exchange citizenship for money and that’s not what I’m talking about, though I suspect most governments don’t want to know that’s taking place.)

In Canada, once you marry someone you can file the application to bring them to the country as a permanent resident. The only thing a permanent resident can’t do is vote (as far as I know…). As the sponsor, you are obligated to support your spouse for the first three years he or she is in Canada. This doesn’t mean they can’t get a job (they can apply for the majority of jobs except those reserved for citizens) but this three-year rule is in place to encourage the Canadian citizen to “shine their eyes well” as Nigerians say: if your spouse decides not to work and to instead depend on the government for financial support, they can. The government will pay them what they qualify for…and send the bill directly to you. So if you get involved with a fraudster it could cost you more than the emotional pain of a terminated relationship: it could hit you hard in the pocketbook.

You can divorce your fraudster spouse but you’re still financially responsible for them as long as they’re in the country if they decide to collect welfare. You could try to get them deported but a lawyer in the documentary said it’s pretty much impossible to do that unless the person does something that Canada determines to be requiring deportation (lying to you or collecting government assistance won’t do it). As a result, these defrauded folks feel betrayed by their country too.

Those who have been defrauded have suggested that the Canadian government revisit its policy of giving permanent residency to spouses so that if things don’t work out, it will be easier to remove the fraudster from Canada and also eliminate the situation where the pseudo-spouse can collect government benefits at the expense of the Canadian. Instead they think a two or three year temporary resident visa would suffice, in effect putting the spouse on probation. Following this time, the person could apply for permanent residency, perhaps through an expedited process, as a reward for “good behaviour.”

I like this idea personally. I know it’s annoying to have a temporary status in a country and to be limited in what you can or can’t do as a result. It’s got to be annoying too to have to always make sure your documents are up to date but those who come to study manage to do it. If students decide to remain in the country after their studies, I hope they go through the proper channels to make that a reality. Some employers might be wary of hiring someone with a temporary status in the country but hopefully those would be rare cases. It’s a shame that we always have to make rules more stringent rules to accommodate the minority that is prone to exploiting situations but that’s just the way it is.

What are your thoughts? Do you know of other countries where the temporary resident thing is in place?

If you skimmed the earlier entry, please understand that I did not say that Nigerians have the monopoly on cheating, nor did I say that a Nigerian man will definitely cheat. The entry is about cheating among Nigerians because I’m Nigerian, and it was a fellow blogger who stated that in her opinion, Nigerian men will cheat, that’s it’s only a matter of time.

Also, talking about cheating doesn’t mean I’m wishing it upon myself or saying it will happen; it’s a topic that I think couples should discuss, not in a “when you cheat” way as if it’s inevitable, but in a “Let’s make sure we’re clear on what our views on infidelity are, what we consider infidelity and how we will prevent such a thing from touching our marriage.” In a perfect world these things would be intuitively understood, but this world is far from perfect. Talking once or twice about scenarios that you hope never happen isn’t a bad thing in my opinion; bringing it up constantly is another matter.

Themes that came out from your comments:

Society allows Nigerian men to cheat
This is a comment that came up over and over again. Society and what it considers acceptable is a huge part of why cheating is so rampant. Many commenters think Nigerian men cheat because they are taught it’s their right, that they can get away with it, while women were (are?) taught to forgive and remain in the relationship if the man cheats, especially, as taynement mentioned, when the woman is financially dependent on the man.

Sting mentioned polygamy. The polygamous histories of many families (both of my grandfathers had two wives each, for example) doesn’t help: men were (are?) brought up to think that they can be with more than one woman at a time without feeling guilty, and without having to explain themselves.

An anonymous commenter mentioned a double standard: while Nigerian women who are cheated on were (are?) generally told to remain in relationship by family and friends, if the woman is the unfaithful one, the treatment she would receive from her own family, not to mention the larger community, would be quite different: she would be called all sorts of unflattering names and ridiculed, and her husband would not be expected to take her back following her betrayal.

But for every man who thinks cheating is not a big deal, there are men like NBB who make declarations such as “I’m Nigerian Man. I do not cheat and would never cheat. so help me God.”

Generational differences in responses to cheating
As commenters Eniola and Angel007 mentioned, it seems the older generation (our mothers and grandmothers) are more willing to turn the other cheek when it comes to cheating than the younger generation, and while part of me bristles at the thought, I can accept that their approach for a man who cheats only once may make sense. The problem is that I don’t believe a man can cheat “just once”!

I was happy to discover that many of the commenters considered cheating a deal breaker too, though as sting said, who knows if it would remain a deal breaker in reality. We may talk a good game but when push comes to shove, would we really kick a cheater out of our lives for good? My head is screaming YES!!! Whether you know your answer to that question or not, it’s definitely food for thought.

The idea that cheating is a form of abuse and a sign of disrespect
Some commenters mentioned sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and how wives of cheating men can end up contracting them from a man who brings the STD home. As a witty fool mentioned, it would be terrible to get an STD, but imagine having to deal with an incurable STD like genital herpes, or an STD that will reduce your life expectancy, such as HIV? It would add insult to injury! I had not discussed the issue but it doesn’t take much thinking to realize that this is a huge fallout from cheating. There’s the betrayal inherent in the act, but when you add the chance that one could physically suffer for the rest of their life because of the cheater’s acts? Well, let’s not think about it!

There are worse things than cheating
I believe those sharing this opinion are trying to say that infidelity might not be the big deal I have made it because a marriage without infidelity does not automatically mean a good marriage, a loving marriage, a healthy marriage or a solid marriage. I definitely agree, but the entry was about infidelity. Also, I don’t think anyone should feel they must accept infidelity in their marriage because “It could be worse!” How about we take a stand and make sure it’s clear that in addition to infidelity, there are other things that are unacceptable in our marriages?

Not all men cheat
To end on a positive note, not all Nigerian men will cheat, and that’s good news. Many of the married women and some of the unmarried women stated that (with God’s help) their marriage will not be touched by infidelity, and I truly believe that if both of the people in the relationship are committed to the mindset that cheating is not an option, it will not happen. Again, I may be naive.

Chichi made a point that there are usually steps leading to the cheating act(s), and because of that, couples must invest time in their relationship and protect the relationship. Does this mean that a person bent on cheating can be stopped from cheating? No, but we all owe it to our relationships to work with our partner to make it as strong as possible. No one, in my opinion, has the right to cheat.

The antics of celebrities with regard to cheating has been a hot topic in the news this year, but to be honest, what happens among celebrities doesn’t concern me too much. When they’re doing good things, I like to use them as inspiration, and I’m always sad to hear of infidelity, but people who say things like “But she’s so beautiful! How could someone cheat on her?” or “Imagine: he’s with Halle Berry and still he wants to cheat?!”, annoy me. These stars are human so their star status can’t be expected to protect them from acts of betrayal that many humans deal with. (Also on my “annoying” list are people who say, upon hearing of a person who has died young: “Oh, but he was so handsome!” as if the loss is more profound because of his looks. But I digress.)

Back to infidelity. I’m curious about the idea of cheating among Nigerians. I’ve heard in a number of places, including on Verastically Speakin’ in either the chatroom, or as an offhand comment when discussing relationships, a general comment to the effect that many Nigerian men cheat. A friend of mine, fellow Yoruba girl and blogger, has mentioned to me once or twice that Nigerian men will cheat; it’s only a matter of time. Of course, Nigerian men don’t have the monopoly on infidelity (and I’m certainly not saying they do, but keep in mind that I’m Nigerian, this blog is focused on things from my Nigerianish perspective, so that’s why I’m talking about cheating by Nigerians). Men don’t only cheat with single women, so of course this means Nigerian women cheat; in fact, a recent Verastically Speakin’ cohost admitted that she cheated in the past. Anyway, Nigerian women cheating seems to be a less hotly discussed topic than Nigerian men cheating (or maybe it’s the people I talk to?).

I’m not ready to accept that cheating is practically a given in any relationship I enter into with a Nigerian man, and I’m even less prepared to accept that if there is infidelity on the part of my boyfriend and/or husband, my job is to remain in the relationship. I am so thankful that I can say that I am a forgiving person (I wasn’t always!). I used to be a grudge holder, until I realized that holding a grudge makes me feel like crap. It also helped that my dad has always been such a strong example of not letting the sun go down on one’s anger. He was often the one to extend the olive branch to me, even when he was the wronged party. The result is that if someone apologizes to me, I will tend to forgive (and even if they don’t apologize, I’ll try to move on). It doesn’t mean that the hurt won’t linger for some time after that but I make every attempt to leave the incident in the past and move forward with the person.

However, I strongly believe this “moving forward” business will fall apart when it comes to dealing with cheating. If, God forbid, a boyfriend or husband cheats on me, regardless of whether or not he asks for forgiveness, I’ll forgive him because it’s a big step in moving forward. But when I say moving forward, I mean moving forward without him! At this stage in my life, I have a hard time believing that it’s possible for someone to dabble in infidelity just once. It’s like trusting me to only eat just one skittle out of a whole bag of the candy: It. Is. Not. Possible. Better you don’t give me the bag!

I have expressed this opinion before and have been asked what I would do if I had children with my philandering husband, especially since no Nigerian man will allow me to leave him and take his children. I think the fact that I live in North America gives me some confidence about how I would make this decision work. It wouldn’t be easy and it wouldn’t be ideal, and I know I’d be called selfish by many, especially those in our community, but I guess I’m selfish enough to believe that I should be able to be married to someone who will be focused on me as his wife, his one and only, and on any children that we have together, and not look for fulfilment elsewhere.

In order to make sure that it’s well understood that cheating is a huge deal breaker for me, I always make sure that guys I’m talking to know this, well before they’ve made up their mind regarding this crazy chick that is GNG. I don’t need a man who is farting out one hundred dollar US bills, he doesn’t have to have a face (or body) that puts Taye Diggs’s to shame, he doesn’t have to be able to buy my love with expensive gifts (shebi I said a bag of skittles will make my day!). But he cannot cheat!

In addition to making sure he knows my very strong feelings on the matter, I will do my part to have a relationship that is full of communication. In loving a relationship, both parties try to do things that will please the other, so I will work hard to not let myself go, I will strive to grow with my husband (not apart), and I’ll prioritize our time together, even if that means paying for a babysitter every now and then. This doesn’t mean I think that if I don’t do these things, my man has a license to cheat, but I expect relationships to be hard work and you get from them what you put in. (But I’m not ready to do hard work if the topic at hand is infidelity! Maybe I need special prayers!)

Despite all this talk, the way some people talk about infidelity, I wonder if I’ve just been blessed to be surrounded by great examples of loving relationships, relationships that are doing what romance novels did for me as a teen (and in my 20s). Maybe I should just “smarten up” and have a contingency plan for how I will forgive a philandering husband and accept him back into my life and heart instead of planning out I will make my new life without him, but let me be frank: I’m not ready to believe that most Nigerian men cheat, and it’s my job to “deal with it”.

Am I naive?

Sickle cell disease is serious and anyone wanting more information about this can consult:

• Sickle Cell Ontario
• Sickle Cell Disease Association of America, Inc.
• These Genes, Tosyn Bucknor‘s project
• the wikipedia page on it

If you would like to donate to this cause, you can support Sickle Cell Ontario by donating here, or support the Sickle Cell Disease Association of America, Inc. here. Give what you can; even if it’s just your coffee money!

For those unfamiliar with how sickle cell disease transfer from parent to child works (and those in the know, especially the doctors among us, please correct me if I get any of this wrong), if you are AA, you do not have the sickle cell trait or disease; you are completely healthy (as regards sickle cell disease). If you are AS you have the trait, which means you are a carrier of sickle cell disease. You generally show no signs of the disease but may have or develop some conditions as a result (though generally not sickle cell disease). If you are SS you have sickle cell disease.

So, if you know you’re a carrier, to give yourself the lowest chance of having a child who is also a carrier or a child who has sickle cell disease, it’s ideal to match yourself with someone who is AA as that nearly guarantees you won’t have children who have sickle cell disease. If you and your spouse are AS, there’s about a 25% chance that your offspring could have sickle cell disease, a 25% chance that your child could be AA, and a 50% chance that your offspring could be a carrier like you.

As far as I can tell, these are only odds. It doesn’t mean that if two AS parents have four children, two of them will definitely be AS. You sometimes hear that despite the odds of having a child with a certain condition, some families have multiple children with the same “rare” or “uncommon” condition.

I think the older generation cares more about the answer to the question asked in the title of this entry. One example is the pastor of a friend of mine who told her to make sure she finds out the genotype of a guy she was getting to know before things get more serious. Among the younger set, some don’t know their genotype and aren’t in a rush to find out, and don’t care about the genotype their significant other. I currently don’t know my genotype, but I will be requesting that it be checked in the blood test following my annual physical exam next month, along with my blood type (which I’m embarrassed to confess I don’t know either). I know it won’t affect who I decide to be with, but my potential future partner may feel differently.

I have some questions for you:

1. Does the genotype of your (future) spouse matter to you?
2. Have you ever ended a relationship or decided not to enter into a relationship due to genotype?
3. Have your parents or others tried to influence a budding relationship due to “incompatible” genotypes?

Please vote on the poll on the right regarding whether or not you know your genotype!

I’m also thankful for the expectant mothers who are not yet pregnant but are working on it, because I have learned a lot from them. The journey to having a child is not always so easy for everyone, and the process can really test your faith and your relationships. A couple of years ago I came across the blog of a woman who was trying to conceive. There was no medical reason why she and her husband couldn’t conceive; they just couldn’t. Through that blog I found two other blogs, and then another blogger that I knew from something else was also having trouble with pregnancies (she could conceive but would miscarry). A few years later and the first blogger has a son, the second blogger adopted a son, the third blogger had a daughter and is pregnant with her second child, and the fourth blogger had a daughter and a son! God has been really good to these women.

Some might be wondering why I, a woman who was in her late 20s at the time, who was single and had no reason to believe she would have trouble conceiving, was attracted to this particular type of blog. A reason these blogs touched me is because their journey to have something they thought would be a natural progression at this stage of their lives, something they sort of assumed they’d have at this point was something I could relate to: they were hoping for a baby, I was (am) hoping for a husband (eventually). When some of these women wrote about their friends who were also trying to conceive who managed to conceive, and those feelings of happiness for the friend yet sadness for themselves that they experienced, I could relate. As my close friends found great boyfriends, got engaged to them, bought houses with them, married them, got pregnant with them and had a baby with them, I rejoiced with them. I was truly happy that their dreams were coming true. But along with these feelings of happiness for them, came sadness for me. Being sad for me doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy for them; it’s possible for both feelings to exist. Anyway, that’s why those blogs really spoke to me, and I am thankful for the expectant women who have taught me to have faith, to stay positive, that it’s ok to be sad sometimes but it’s important to get up and keep going after a setback or disappointment. They have reminded me to cling to faith when things look bleak, and I believe that things will start moving in the direction I want soon.

I’m thankful for the results of some tests my mom underwent last week. She was concerned about their outcome, which in turn concerned me, but I am thankful to God that she is just fine! This woman has gone through too much to have to add new concerns to her life so I truly thank God for continuing to care for her and providing doctors that are doing their part to make sure that she’s as healthy as can be.

Lastly, I’m thankful for my 21 year old baby brother who is so exuberant about life. He throws himself so excitedly into every new thing that catches his fancy. I think it’s foolhardy 99% of the time but I secretly admire his impulsive nature that doesn’t waste decades agonizing over something before doing it; he just does it and deals with the consequences (if any). I was never like that at his age.

He actually reminded me of a bible passage this week, one that most of us know but either forget or fail to fully believe: Ask and it shall be given unto you. My brother was going to one of my favourite coffee shops and when he got there, he sent me a text message asking what was good there because he didn’t know what to order for himself. I suggested a particular drink, plus a gift card for me (shebi he asked, right?) and he came home with a gift card for me! When my sister found out she wanted to know where her own gift card was but she didn’t ask for one.

Asking doesn’t mean you’ll get, but your chances of getting what you want are significantly higher if you ask than if you keep quiet and hope that a fellow human being will guess what you want or need and get it for you.

This applies to relationships too: it’s almost stereotypical how often women complain that the men in their lives don’t know what they want, and if someone suggests that they tell him, some might be reluctant to because it takes the spontaneity or romance away. But you know what’s really unromantic? Spending hours or days fuming because you’re waiting for your man to guess what’s in your head when you could just tell him and be enjoying those flowers or chocolate or free time away from the kids.

(Don’t get me wrong: I will appreciate a man who will bring me little trinkets or flowers every now and then just because, without prompting, but that’s something I’ll make sure he knows I like. I won’t wait for years, suffering in silence, hoping he’ll guess; I’ll say something like “Just so you know, I’m the kind of girl who loves receiving flowers for no reason. I’m not saying go out and buy me flowers now, but if you’re ever wanting to make my day, that’s an easy way to do it.” I believe relationships of all kinds run a lot smoother when people know what is expected of them.)

The difference between asking God for things and asking people for things is that God already knows what we want. I sometimes have trouble with this because if God already knows what I want, why do I have to ask him? And what’s taking so long for me to get what I want? :) Sometimes I wonder if what I’m praying for is really lame compared to what I should be praying for, especially when a health scare in my family helps me reset my priorities. But the bible says to ask and it shall be given to me. If I want it and it is His will, I will get it. It’s not up to me to decide which of my desires is important enough to take to God; my job is to make sure He hears from me with regard to what’s important to me, so I intend to do that more often and I believe it will one day pay off.

• you don’t often hear the opposite being articulated (men abstaining from sex for their future wives)
• most of the guys saying this are lying through their teeth because if they were actually dating one of these women who wanted to save sex for marriage, they either wouldn’t be able to date her longer than a few days weeks months because not having sex is a deal breaker for them, or they’d try to use their “persuasive powers” to change the girl’s view on sex out of wedlock (I don’t blame blame them and I know that a man who wants a little somethin’ somethin’ can be quite persuasive, and temptation would be a big problem. The average woman (me included) would probably be tempted to become putty in his hands).

(Am I wrong?)

(We won’t bring in the Christianity aspect since none of us who claim to be Christians can say we adhere perfectly to all parts of the bible, so I can’t say I’m “such a good Christian” for not having sex while I’m busy sinning in others ways.)

So what’s my point? Well, I may not have one. Maybe I want more guys to say what they’re really thinking on the matter, that they think waiting until marriage to have sex with a woman is something they are not prepared to do, though they admire the decision in principle. Maybe I want to hear more guys talking about abstaining (it’s possible I’m just not in contact with such guys. Ekene Agabu is the only guy I know who actually has it out there). Maybe I want to believe that it’s possible in my 30s to meet a guy who will respect my decision and honour it along with me. I’d like to think the right guy would (and not run screaming, certain that I will be a frigid woman in bed). I’d also like to deal with reality.

I don’t mind if my future boyfriend or husband has had other partners, mostly because I’m practical and if a 30 year old female who has not yet had sex is rare, the male version is even rarer. However, I will care about the number he’s sharing. If he’s in his 30s and had lost count, or passes his age when counting up his past partners, that is too many for me.

Ok, enough out of me:

1. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?
2. Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?
3. Will you share your number (with your partner)?
4. Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

If you didn’t, you’re in luck: you can hear the show in its entirety here. It’s two hours long. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I almost can’t believe that it was two hours long because the time went by so fast. There were a lot of guest speakers (five) and we all had something to say. I have to admit I was happy that there was a guy, KC, on the panel because his point of view was that of male who had dated a woman in her 30s, but unfortunately I didn’t get to find out his insight on that particular matter, though he certainly challenged me with one of his questions. He asked if we (single women) would consider going to Nigeria to find a mate (for those of us wanting to marry a Nigerian). (The original question assumed that the guy would be willing to move abroad with you.) My answer was that if I could devote the time to living in Nigeria for a while (I think I said at least 6 months), I’d be all for it. I can’t imagine going to Nigeria for three or four weeks and coming back engaged or with a boyfriend (though funny enough it seems that’s what I was thinking of doing last year). While many guys would do it for love alone, some men sadly have ulterior motives. I’m already suspicious of Nigerian men who live in Nigeria specifically seeking Nigerian women who live abroad; I certainly would not want to find myself in a situation where I feel my biggest asset is my country of residence.

But honestly, I’d need to spend some serious time (months) in Nigeria and get to know the guy and his friends and family a bit better before committing to anything. And regular visits would have to be part of the plan. I have no intention of getting myself into a situation where I am seriously involved with a guy I barely know (and to be fair this could happen with any long distance relationship, not just Nigeria/North America ones), and have only seen a couple of times by the time we marry. You hear stories every day of people who date for years (presumably not long distance) and their marriage barely lasts because they discover they don’t know each other, or that they want different things. I really am not a fan of long distance relationships, but if we must be long distance, can we at least be on the same continent abeg?

So what did I learn? Well, if I am 30 and accomplished, and I’ve worked to get my finances, career and other aspects of my life in order, then I should be prepared and ready to put effort into finding a good match. Mr. Right won’t just walk into my life (despite my wishes): I will have to do my part in making it happen. I don’t leave other parts of my life up to chance: I had to go to an interview to get my job, I had to save money to be able to afford a home. So why would the quest for love be free of effort?

Also, a little instrospection is a good thing. It may be painful, but we should not be afraid to look inwards, at our lives, decisions and the way we’re doing things and see what we may need to change in order to get the results we want. It’s easier to blame others for our problems but before you start throwing blame, make sure there isn’t a single thing you could do to make the outcome better. And even when you know you have done all you can do, try not to play the blame game. A friend shared something from Maya Angelou with me recently:

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

Hmm, I seem to have had a lot to say. Maybe we need to do part two of this show, Vera.

To me, the most compelling reason to change your surname is to signify that you and your spouse are a unit, one family. I like the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, even more so if children are part of the plan. This is more an outward demonstration of the union, I suppose, since the act of taking the name of another cannot make you into a family, any more than putting on running shoes makes you into Usain Bolt.

Some arguments I’ve seen against changing your name include:

• your name (for you) is an important part of your identity (you’ve been Miss/Ms. X for 20, 30, 40 years, how can you change your name after so much of who you are has already been formed under this other name?)
• professional reasons (if you have built your career under a certain name, and have built your reputation, perhaps you’re published under a certain name — changing your name might be a setback career-wise, and may require you to re-establish yourself.)
• changing your name doesn’t magically make your marriage better or stronger so what’s the point?
• her last name is dying out (maybe she’s an only child in the immediate or extended family and she’s the only one left to carry on the family name)
• his last name is incompatible with her first name aesthetically (maybe it looks or sounds strange with her first name, or it’s far too long)

In my personal circle of contacts, I know coworkers (current and former) in their late 20s and 30s who decided to keep their surname upon marriage. Another woman in her late 40s, a family friend, also kept her surname. Two friends in their early 30s were torn about changing their name and as far as I know, neither one has legally changed her name.

I asked one former coworker what she and her husband decided to do for the last name of their children, and their solution was actually quite cool: her surname is three letters long and is Japanese in origin and its pronunciation works perfectly as either a boy or girl’s middle name, so both her daughter and son have the same middle name, which is like having the surnames of both parents. I told her that her case is the exception for women who choose to keep their surname yet want to have a way of uniting themselves with their children (who often take their father’s surname).

I don’t know any African friends or other acquaintances (I don’t have any African coworkers) who decided to keep their surname, or struggled with the decision of changing their name. Is this because African women are more traditional, and less inclined to have “offbeat” weddings? Not necessarily; I just happen to know and be closer to more non-Africans than Africans. At the same time, maybe Africans are more traditional. I say this as I remember all the elements of a traditional engagement in Yorubaland (and I know other Nigerians have specific traditions or elements in their engagement or wedding celebrations). As I watched my cousin go through the different steps, I wanted to know if certain things were specific to the Yoruba engagement ceremony, or just done in my cousin’s own engagement. It turned out most things are things I was curious about are things that are “traditionally done”.

So what will I do? As much as I love my initials, I’m pretty sure I’ll be changing my surname.

For the ladies:

1. How do you feel about changing your name (for those planning to get married)? Do you think you’ll change your name?
2. Do you think Africans are more or less likely (than non-Africans) to feel torn at the thought of changing their last name? Why/Why not?

For the men:

1. How would you react if your fiancée told you she would not be changing her surname?
2. Do you think African men are more or less likely than their non-African counterparts to have a problem with their spouse keeping her maiden name? Why/Why not?

• The men I never dated – Jealous sister edition
• The men I never dated – “Pride goes before a fall” edition
• The men I never dated – Life is just not fair edition)

When I mentioned that I’d be going to Nigeria, a few friends asked me if I thought I was going to meet a dashing Nigerian man who would sweep me off my feet. I told them that this was unlikely to happen and even if it did, living over 8500 kilometres apart, a distance that includes two small bodies of water (also known as the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea), would tend to put a wrench in our plans of you know, going on dates.

I’m sure I said this in a very matter of fact and practical way, but deep down I did hope that I’d come back with a tale of romance to tell.

Well I didn’t, but my sister has a tale. Now why would I be sharing the story of my sister’s romance? Because it happens to be a new installment to one of my favourite features of this blog, The Men I Never Dated (tmind). If you have some time on your hands, you should go and read those entries. But here’s today’s story:

Seven years ago, when my sister was last in Nigeria, she and our second cousin, Biola (who is one year older than my sis and one year younger than I) made a sort of pact that they would meet again for one of their weddings. Well Biola chose 2008 for her wedding and that was one of the reasons we went to Nigeria when we did (the other reason was to celebrate with my grandmother, as explained here).

A few days into our stay, Biola, her fiancé and her brother took my sis and I out for suya and drinks at a cool patio. While drinking our Smirnoff Ices and waiting for the suya to be ready, the groom to be, Michael, told us he was going to call his friend who wanted to “meet us”. We spoke to him and he seemed very cool: just a normal guy who seemed to have a good sense of humour and was generally easy going.

When we got home that evening, my sister and I compared notes on him: we thought he sounded like he was a big guy, which might be funny to some of you but since my sister and I do not seem to have inherited the familial gene that makes us less than 5’4 and quite slender, we tend to go for guys who are tall and who have some meat on their bones rather than the skinny fellows. I guess we based our conclusion solely on his voice and the way his laugh seemed to come from deep down within him.

Anyway, this guy, let’s call him Tunde, somehow got the number of the cell phone we were using in Nigeria, and would call us pretty much daily, just asking us how we were enjoying the city and our time in Nigeria generally. This went on for about a week and a half, until we met him in person. I was in charge of the phone, so I’d usually talk to him first, then he’d speak to my sister and often my mom as well. While hanging out with my cousin Biola one evening, I told her that I thought Tunde appeared interested in my sister, but she said as far as she was aware, he wasn’t sure who he was interested in, and we’d see how things went when we met him at her wedding. When I combined this information with the fact that he and I seemed to click on the phone, and had good conversations, I thought that Tunde might be a really interesting fellow to get to know.

We didn’t see him until the wedding, and I can’t remember now who introduced us finally, but both of us met him and thought he was cool in person. We didn’t really get a chance to talk to him much during the wedding reception, but the groom’s parents were planning an after party, so Tunde literally begged us to please come, as he was leaving the next day. Anyhow, I got the vibe that it was my sister who appealed more to him so I pretty much did my part to throw them together and stand back.

But the thing is, I had sort of started to fancy him. I wanted him to like me too, but I was so sure that if given the choice between my sister and I, the average guy would pick my sister that I totally acted like I was a matchmaking mother and worked on giving them as much time together as possible. When we arrived at the after party, Tunde took us out for suya and drinks, so we could get to know each other better without so many others around. I made sure my sister was sitting beside him in the backseat, while I sat in front with the cousin who was driving us. And at the suya place, I made sure they were sitting together (although in my opinion, he would have made sure that happened anyway).

But I won’t lie: while a matchmaking mother would not have felt any jealousy and envy, or felt her self esteem plummet as she was completely ignored, I did. And that led to some uncomfortable moments between my sister and I later, because she couldn’t understand why I was upset (especially when I was encouraging them to get to know each other), and I didn’t want to talk about how my pride was hurt because I wasn’t “picked”. It seemed so unfair: I was the one with a genuine interest in Nigeria (language, culture, slang, etc), who was interested in marrying a Nigerian guy, while my sister was less particular about the nationality of the guy she’d date.

The after party was one of the longest nights of my life: many of the party goers I knew and could have talked to, other than my sister and Tunde, had been in the wedding party and were exhausted, and were sleeping anywhere they could. The other friends were outside dancing the night away (the music was awesome), but I didn’t know them. Nevertheless, as Tunde sat beside my sister trying to get her know her better, I tried to amuse myself with strangers, and generally stay out of their way. When I got sick of dancing outside, I returned inside to where they were cozily chatting, and sat a bit apart from them to give them privacy and tried not to look bored out of my mind. It was an all night party and finally when our cousin woke up at around 5 in the morning, we were able to get a drive home.

All my life I’ve always said that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me, but knowing and believing that is not a guarantee that you won’t feel like crap. I fully wallowed in that feeling. There were quite a number of tense and awkward moments between my sister and I. I no longer felt comfortable talking to Tunde, and it was always clear that when I picked up the phone he wanted to talk to my sister (though he was still the same nice, teasing and jovial person with me). So very soon after our cousin’s wedding, my sister became in charge of handling the cell phone. And Tunde called her constantly, or she’d be calling him. And they would be sending text messages. And with every ring of the phone or buzz to indicate the receipt of a text message, I felt worse. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, once they knew which sister he was interested in, family members were constantly asking my sister if she had talked to him that day, and how things were going and what she thought of him. They had totally set the two of them up, it seems, from the first time we talked to Tunde. Our great aunt was only too happy to give my mom details about his family and assure her that this guy was a great guy. Our cousin Biola also told us how he’s the best guy they could have ever asked to be her husband’s best man. I can’t lie and pretend I was totally cool with everything and worthy of the prize of world’s best sister during this time, because I really, really wasn’t.

Tunde is currently working about eight hours away from where we were staying, so we only saw him that one time. However, he was working close to Abuja, and we had planned to go to Abuja to see the capital city, so there was a chance that we could meet him while we were there. A number of us were supposed to go, but the others ended up deciding not to go. Tunde begged my sister and I to still come on our own, but I just couldn’t do it: the thought of being the third wheel for a weekend while Tunde and my sister tried to pretend they were glad that I was encroaching on their only time together was too much for me to deal with, and I told my sister this. Also, our family was not keen about the idea of the two of us, completely unfamiliar with any of the area we’d be traveling through, getting into a public transportation vehicle for five or six hours, and I don’t blame them. So that meant we never saw him again, but he totally understood.

So now we’re back in North America, and things are pretty much the same between my sister and Tunde as they were in Nigeria. They talk nearly every day, and send emails to each other too. When she didn’t hear from him one day recently, she was worried that he may have come to some harm (especially since he’s in the North). She likes him. They’re taking things slowly, and are not officially dating (though I know he wants to). We’ll see if things change soon.

And what about me? I’m happy for them, and I want things to work out in the best way possible for them both. He seems like a fantastic guy, and they seem compatible from what I saw, and seeing my sister who isn’t big on talking on the phone having a reason to use the phone almost daily makes me think there may be something special going on between them.

We’ll see what happens! In the meantime, I’m on the lookout for some frogs to kiss.

Anyways, it’s a good thing I’m talking about pictures because I want to talk about a photographer that I just love (no, not Onada, though her work is pretty awesome!): Ross Oscar Knight. He’s a great photographer and I’ve been a fan of his for almost two years now, but the thing that tipped me over the edge was watching the slideshow of his own proposal to his (now) wife. I won’t gush too much but I am seriously considering asking any and all potential husbands (of mine) to read this blog entry and watch the entire slideshow before they propose to me. (Bonus points if you can guess which part totally gets me.)

And at the same time I’m praying that God will make me into the sort of woman that a man would want to a) marry and b) do something incredibly romantic and special to commemorate said marriage.

Enjoy!

(Oh, and if the next entry isn’t about Nigeria and doesn’t have pictures, I will deliver myself over to blogville for a public flogging!)