Some of you might remember the Love and Learn series that I launched last year. It was inspired by my failed relationship, one that really affected me because 1) it was my first serious relationship and 2) I was so sure it would lead to marriage (how naive I was!). I was so excited about things that I had started a brand new blog that I shared with just a few people, detailing the progression of the relationship. I was smitten! But it turned out that although I had learned those lessons several months back, I need a refresher: while I was in Nigeria I wanted to see my ex and have the opportunity to ask him some questions. Yes friends, I wanted closure.

The desire for closure is funny because intellectually I know there’s no answer that will actually give me closure. Let’s say in the best-case scenario, your ex says “I was a jerk, I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m sorry. You are perfection while I’m trash” (hehe). How does that change what you already thought about the situation? You already knew all that! I’m not convinced that getting that admission actually gives the satisfaction we think it will, especially when deep emotions of hurt and rejection are involved.

Or, maybe your ex tells you that he (or she) decided you were too (insert adjective) for him (or her). For most people I bet that would lead to them asking follow-up questions and seeking examples to figure out why s/he thinks what s/he thinks. Or you might get angry if the adjective is insulting and just disagree with the observation. Once again, knowing this wouldn’t bring me the sweet relief I imagine comes with closure.

So if you’re in a similar situation, I urge you to give yourself closure. If that means (as suggested to me by one of my besties) writing a letter to your ex, saying everything that you wish you could say face-to-face and then sending, burning, or deleting it, or if it means praying that the lingering hurts be taken from you, or both, do it. When things ended last year, I told myself that I didn’t want someone who didn’t want me and I still feel this so strongly. However, the very real possibility that I might see him during this trip weakened my resolve a bit and in retrospect it was a good thing that we did not see.

Several friends were hopeful that I’d meet a new special someone in Nigeria, and even though I kept saying “Nope, this trip is about my sister’s wedding!”, I was hoping that one of my new brother-in-law’s friends would spot me in the crowd and be compelled to find out more about me. Fast forward to the wedding day when I was running around like a madwoman, looking frazzled no doubt! I didn’t have a chance to enchant any of my brother-in-law’s friends.

Even so, I remain hopeful and incredibly curious about how my next (and hopefully final!) love story will play out.

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1. I keep in touch more regularly with the family back home.
2. I listen constantly to the many cds that I bought.
3. I speak Yoruba whenever possible with my parents, family in Nigeria, and anyone who speaks Yoruba.
4. I regret not eating more boli (roasted plantain), epa (peanuts), and roasted corn.
5. I’m inspired to be more focused on money-making ideas so I can positively impact the lives of the people I met.
6. I miss the heat (Say what? The same heat I complained about on the regular?).
7. I consider moving to Europe to be halfway between Nigeria and Canada.
8. I wish I had access to the hair salons of Nigeria (at the same prices!).
9. I regret not buying another kan kan (I always buy at least one but I always wish I had bought more), a hairnet (I like the Nigerian ones!), and hair for weaves (aka “fixing”) and Ghana-weaving (even though I only Ghana-weave or “fix” my hair when I’m in Nigeria).
10. I smile remembering sweet moments (this time my cousin’s 1.5 year old son’s cuteness is dominating my memories).
11. I start calculating how soon I can return (based on my bank account and accrued vacation time)!

What do like to do when you come back to reality?

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I’m back in Canada after six weeks away! It’s good to be back and I thank God that the four of us who returned to Canada arrived safely (my sister is in Lagos with her husband!). I also thank God that we were protected through all our comings and goings within our country of Nigeria. Security is increasingly a concern: kidnappings are more common than they used to be in the city we were staying and the neighbourhood was constantly on the lookout for robbers so things felt a bit scarier, in particular at night. I added a side trip to Paris to my itinerary on the way back and I couldn’t resist visiting Deola, Aloted, and No Limit in England while I was so close by!

I’d hoped to blog more than once as I hinted at in my last entry but good intentions apparently don’t write blog entries for you!

My sister’s wedding went well. I’m officially convinced that you could come to Nigeria three weeks before your wedding and plan the entire thing from scratch and have a lovely affair. And when I say from scratch I mean it: without a colour scheme or wedding planner or even a dress! Maybe even without a groom (but that could be risky; hehe!). Things just seem to happen really fast in Nigeria: to do the same here you’d either have to pay a lot more money or have a really casual wedding where you buy things off the rack, don’t customize anything, and you’d definitely need to keep the number of attendees to a minimum because most halls are booked months if not years in advance. Maybe it would be hard to plan a wedding from scratch in three weeks in Lagos or Abuja but in our corner of Ondo State three weeks is ample time to plan a nice event!

One thing that I must comment on is the ethics of some vendors who wanted to change the price they had quoted us after finding out we didn’t live in Nigeria. I understand that bargaining is an integral part of our culture but once both parties have agreed on a price, I thought it was rude to try and change it.

A trusted family member recommended a caterer to us and after meeting with the caterer and discussing our needs, my mom and the caterer agreed on a price for her services. The family member who had made the recommendation was present during the negotiations. Not one day later, or five days later, or a week later, but 10 days later the caterer came back to my mother and said “Owo yi o to o (This money is not enough)”! We then found out she had first met with our family member and had been advised to ask for more money if she was not satisfied. Well my mom wouldn’t have any of that: she promptly informed the caterer that her services would no longer be needed and found another caterer who she ended up paying a little more to, but it was a matter of principle at that point. Thankfully our last minute caterer did not disappoint (well, except in the expected way of stealing food…which we were told all caterers do).

This phenomenon of mysteriously shifting prices post-negotiation happened more than once: prices would double or triple when people found out we didn’t live in Nigeria. Another funny incident was related to the decorator for the wedding. Our cousin got married the weekend before my sister. As we arrived in the reception hall, a decorator was putting the finishing touches on the hall and I was really impressed with her work. We had not yet booked a decorator at that point because we were in the midst of negotiating with a decorator whose prices kept changing (yes, just one week before the wedding; my sister and I were certain we’d never find a decorator in time), so I approached the decorator to ask her about her rates. She coyly urged me to enjoy the wedding and that we could talk afterwards.

Decor in progress

When we spoke I told her that the hall of my sister’s wedding reception was about half the size of the hall we were currently in, and we wouldn’t need decorations as fancy as what she had done. She then looked at me and asked if 120,000 naira wouldn’t be too much. Now I know people who paid much more than this amount for their wedding hall decor but this is the part that got me: when I asked her how much she charged for the hall we were currently in, you know, the one that was twice the size of the one we’d be using for my sister’s wedding, she said she charged them 50,000 naira! I appreciated her honesty but I didn’t like that there was no justification given for the higher quote; I mean she could have even said it was due to the short notice! When things like that happen I feel like even if we bargain down to, say, half of the cost, there’s a chance that due to sour grapes, we may end up being disappointed in a big way, like she might not have shown up. We ended up hiring a different person just two days before the wedding(!) and he and his crew did a great job.

The issue of caterers stealing food bothers me: Why do they do this? Why does everyone tell you to expect and accept it? Can’t they just charge more money for their services and ensure that all the ingredients you provide them with to prepare wedding food will make it to the reception hall? Or couldn’t they mention upfront that they will keep food for 20 people (or however many people) aside for themselves? Most if not all of us were taught that if something isn’t yours, you can’t have it, at least not without asking and receiving a positive response! Yet I can’t only point a finger at the caterer and his staff: family members were sneaking away with things under the guise of helping us manage the flow of said things (beverages) or keep things safe (gifts from the engagement ceremony). If they had asked, my parents would have given them what they wanted. When I witness things like this I feel I’ll never understand those who feel they have to cheat the system or skim a bit off the top for themselves rather than just asking for it. Thankfully not all Nigerians share this mentality!

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My sister will be getting married in a few weeks so now that we’re all together we can continue the hard work my mom, sis, in-laws, and our family members have been doing. I’m excited! After talking to my future brother-in-law on Skype over the past year, it was great to meet him face-to-face. I can’t wait to see him and my sister together (she’s in our hometown while he’s still in Lagos) but I like what I see so far!

I should be in bed so I’ll stop now but I do want to mention that this was the most hassle-free airport experience we’ve had: sure the air conditioning was spotty at best and there were people jumping the queue (something I absolutely hate!) BUT we didn’t have to pay any bribes and going through immigration was a breeze. Our amazing friends who pick us up in Lagos make the experience so lovely—in fact I’ve told them I can’t consider coming home without them (yes, I’m a total wimp).

Good night and hope to be able to update more than I usually do during this trip.

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The thrifty side of me hates going to the travel doctor because it’s costly to minimize risks. Back in 2008, I received vaccines for the following:

• Cholera
• Hepatitis A
• Meningococcal Meningitis
• Tetanus/Diphtheria
• Typhoid Fever
• Yellow Fever (this is the only one that is an absolute requirement to enter Nigeria)

and I almost had to promise the doctor my firstborn child as payment!

The tetanus and Yellow Fever vaccines last for 10 years which is wonderful, but the others only last for 2-3 years, so pretty much before every trip I get the other vaccines. Malaria prevention is something everyone takes seriously, and we take a weekly pill of Mefloquine, starting one week before leaving, each week during the trip, then four weeks after returning. Thanks be to God my family members and I have yet to fall seriously ill.

This may be overkill, but I look at getting these vaccines as insurance. In Canada, car insurance is a requirement in order to drive your car. If you pay this insurance for years or decades even without ever having a car crash, you may think it’s ridiculous to continue to pay for something you don’t need. But those who have insurance and have had a car crash sure are glad they have insurance! I don’t even think about my insurance payments; it’s just the cost of having a car. The same is true of house insurance…as long as you never suffer a house fire you may think it’s wasteful to pay to insure a house. Apparently thrifty me sees this as the cost of traveling: when I’m vaccinated, I don’t worry as much about mosquito bites or drinking water of unknown origin. I’m still careful–I apply bug repellent and try to drink only bottled or boiled water–but sometimes laziness creeps in so it’s nice to have a backup working behind the scenes, especially for my mom who has some other health concerns that could make getting sick particularly bad for her.

One of the most frustrating things about me is I’m a real stickler for following instructions, especially when it comes to taking medication. When I was very young, I convinced my parents that I had poisoned myself because I had taken Tylenol every three hours instead of every four or something like that. Though they tried to reason with me, I was certain death was imminent and I made them take me to the emergency room! So you can imagine my horror when I realized that the cholera vaccine instructions said not to eat for one hour before and one hour after taking it, and I don’t think I heeded those instructions. And my precious malaria-preventing Mefloquine instructions say to keep it between 15 and 30 degrees Celsius, yet I left the pills in the car overnight at below zero for about 24 hours! I’m convinced I’ve rendered both useless and will now have to be extra careful…ok, now you can call me paranoid!

If you were born and raised in Nigeria, you probably don’t need any or all of the vaccines, as you may have developed immunity through possible exposure (I’m not saying that visitors to Nigeria will definitely come in contact with any of these illnesses, just that according to those maps they show you of outbreaks in various continents and countries, there appears to be a greater chance of coming in contact with some things in Nigeria than in the Canada, just like there are things that one is more likely to catch in Canada than in Nigeria). However I think if you’ve been out of the country for as long or longer than you’ve lived in the country, it’s a good idea to not take risks. Of course I’m not a doctor so I strongly suggest that anyone who’s wondering what vaccines they may need (if any) consult with a travel doctor. Yes, they charge and arm and a leg but I’d rather pay it than lose it (them) permanent as a result of meningicoccal meningitis (God forbid!).

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What are you thankful for?

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When you get to your mid-thirties, I think people start worrying on your behalf and they want to believe that you must be doing something wrong, that’s why you’re single. The alternative would be to accept that maybe you just won’t find a partner and that can be hard to accept. I won’t lie: I’m worried too! Sometimes I’ll be hit by a wave of panic that maybe I won’t find someone, or maybe I’m not meant to be married, but since I don’t know what God has in store for me in this regard, and since the urge to be a nun hasn’t ever hit me, I push down my panic and keep on hoping. The worst is knowing that my parents worry about it, because I don’t like to cause them any more stress. I’m hoping the fact that I’m self-sufficient (at least when it comes to taking care of my material needs) puts their minds at ease a little bit.

With my sister’s upcoming wedding, everyone and their dog is telling me that I will be next. When I think of how many years I’ve been told I’ll be next, I can barely stop from rolling my eyes. If only there really was a list and I really was next! I’ll be stopping in Europe on my way back from Nigeria for my first solo trip, and several friends have told me that maybe I will meet a man on that trip. I’m touched that they care but I’ve taken to saying “Thank you but those kinds of things don’t happen to me!” with a smile (the smile is genuine, bordering on laughter because the idea is so laughable!). The funny thing is they argue with me, insisting it will happen. Now I’m not a pessimist, really (despite the tone of this post), and they are not able to see the future as far as I know, and maybe it’s my science background talking but I’m going to need a bit more than platitudes to make me believe it could happen. I’d rather plan to enjoy my sister’s wedding and dance my heart out, then figure out how not to get lost alone in Europe than to hang my hopes on meeting a man, as lovely as it would be.

I’m tired of being told that I’m picky. I am picky, or choosy, or whatever you want to call it, but I’m at peace with the things I’m “picky” about. My personality clashes with people who run from confrontation, and I refuse to compromise on this. I don’t mind if I have to initiate the discussion but if they won’t participate, ever, I don’t want to be in that relationship. Being able to communicate (especially during difficult times) is very important to me. I do want to marry a Yoruba man and I’d like him to be taller than I am, but both of these are unimportant if he puts God first and if God reveals to me that he is the guy for me. I’ve never turned down a date with a man because he wasn’t Yoruba or because he was shorter than I am.

Speaking of being led by God to a spouse, I hope God is very obvious with me because I need very clear signs! The other thing I’m struggling with is opening my heart to love. I did before and things didn’t go as hoped, so I’m a bit wary to try again. This has to change.

This might be naive of me but how is it that so many Christian men care so little about sexual purity? It’s like the concept is completely foreign to them. I understand temptation (believe me) but I’m disappointed that I’ve yet to meet a man who has mentioned setting boundaries or who has been the one to extricate himself from a heated situation or to tell me to calm down ;). I so want to meet this guy—sexual purity is where it’s at!

Aside from softening my hardened heart, there are other things I could work on to make myself more appealing: I could improve my appearance and be open once again to setups. I could tell myself more positive messages about the wonderful man that I will meet soon, but I’m not-so-secretly rebelling against these actions I could take. Yes, I’ve suddenly become a child of 3 years old and I’m throwing a tantrum because I’m tired of waiting!

So, although I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life (I especially appreciate the kind man who dug me and another person out of the snow last night!), and even though one day my long wait for my future husband may top my thankful list, I had to be real for a moment.

So tell me, are you still waiting or have you found your match?

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I can’t believe the last day of February is less than a week away! I don’t know where this year is going but I really don’t want to be left behind…I feel like I’m already out of time to do things.

I’m thankful for:

1. Life. I attended the funeral of a family friend a week and a half ago and it’s still unbelievable that he’s gone. We make these wonderful long-range plans, not knowing how many days we have left on earth. Thinking about this is sobering.
2. The health of my family, despite a small scare recently.
3. My job. The future is a bit uncertain at my job, and unexpected layoffs this year have led me to realize that things can change more quickly than I think. I’m thankful that I am still employed.
4. A comfortable shelter to protect me from this terribly cold winter.
5. The means to fulfil my needs and some wants.
6. Netflix (aka the official time waster!).

What are you thankful for?

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My parents had a court wedding before my dad left Nigeria for the USA. My mom joined him about a year after he left Nigeria and when they returned to Nigeria they had a traditional marriage and a reception—they didn’t have a white wedding. My sister will be having a traditional and white wedding (by God’s grace). Even if my parents had had a white wedding, one or two things have probably changed in the last 30+ years!

Many people who were not raised in Nigeria are very familiar with Nigerian weddings because they have a strong community of Nigerians around them and have attended weddings galore. Some regularly travel back home when family members wed. Not so for us: my sister and I attended one Yoruba/Angolan wedding in Canada a while back, and then in 2008 we attended our first Yoruba wedding in Nigeria, that of our cousin. We arrived just two weeks or so before the wedding so we were not part of the planning. We didn’t know we were supposed to dance in before the bride at the reception, and we didn’t know about the aso ebi situation or anything like that…we were just told what to wear and what to do as the time came to do things. For my sister’s wedding I’d like us to be more aware of what is supposed to happen, which is why I’ll be appealing to you as time goes on, starting today.

One of the most eye-opening aspects of the planning was something we thought was no big deal that turned out to be: the issue of the maid of honour. My sister asked me to be her maid of honour and I accepted. As things progressed and family members back home became aware of the plans, we learned that an older unmarried sister “can’t” be the maid of honour. Maybe this isn’t a hard and fast rule everywhere, but the families getting married take it seriously and were insistent that we go along with it (my mom too felt strongly that I couldn’t be my sister’s maid of honour). We weren’t happy about it because for us, the people you call your maid of honour and bridesmaids should be your nearest and dearest. Aside from me, my sister can’t use one cousin because she’s also older and another because she’s married. Looking back on our cousin’s wedding, we noticed that her bridesmaids were not people she was close to, which seems strange to us. Her bridesmaids were selected based on who would complement the wedding: she told us that her sister that she was closest to was too tall so she was not in the wedding party.

I talked to a few friends who got married in Nigeria about the topic and they didn’t see anything wrong with an older sister being in a younger sister’s wedding party, however those with older sisters didn’t have them in their wedding party! In a more extreme case, one friend said she knew someone who had to wait for her older sister (who was single) to get married before she was allowed to get married, so I guess it all depends on how your family feels about such things. The fact that birth order prevents me from ever being there for my sister in this way took some getting used to because if she was getting married here that would never have even been an issue. But things are different and of course there are so many other ways to support her than as maid of honour.

Despite the many phone calls that have gone back and forth between Canada and Nigeria, it feels like plans are coming together very slowly. Our family members back home have been trying to run around on our behalf but it’s not easy. The groom lives in Lagos rather than in the city they’ll be getting married so that doesn’t help either, though I guess one thing that’s the same in both Canada and Nigeria is the lesser role of the groom where wedding plans are concerned.

Another thing that is confusing me is the topic of wedding colours. I asked the question on Facebook and I got a great reply, but I’m still confused because of the different uses of colour in a wedding in Nigeria.

First of all, if someone asked me here what my wedding colours were, they would be asking what colours are being used to decorate, and usually one or more of the named colours would match the dresses of the bridesmaids and maybe the tie or handkerchief in the pocket of the men’s suits. So if I say my colours are purple and gold, you’d expect those colours to feature prominently in the reception hall, the bridesmaids would probably wear purple dresses with gold jewelry or shoes, and the groomsmen would wear suits with purple ties.

It seems a bit more complicated in Nigeria: there are white wedding colours (as explained above), colours that bride and groom will be wearing during the traditional wedding, and then colours for the bride and groom’s sides to wear! My sister did in fact choose purple and gold as her wedding colours, but thanks to the helpful Facebook commenter, I think she will need to select two separate colours for the traditional wedding—is this correct? Let’s say the traditional wedding colours are blue and white–does this refer to what the bride and groom’s outfits will be? Does the issue of bride and groom’s sides colours only come up for the white wedding or also for the traditional wedding?

Back to white wedding colours: since they are purple and gold, does this mean one side (bride or groom) should be told to wear gold and the other side purple?

Your input on any of the above would be much appreciated!

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If you’ve liked my Facebook page (and please, do!), then you’ll know that I’ve been having m-a-j-or issues with my web hosting. These issues started in June of last year when I switched from my host of six years (four years for this blog) to save some money: big mistake! First my site would go offline, with a message that the account had been suspended, then near the end of last year I lost five months of blog posts and your comments!!! Well that is behind me: I have a new reliable host and thanks to Google reader I was able to retrieve the lost blog posts. I’m still working on recovering your wonderful comments and I had been delaying the relaunch for that, but it’s February and 2013 is not waiting for anyone.

One of the things I was most proud of accomplishing last year was publishing my Love and Learn series. Using my first relationship as an example, I shared some of the lessons that I learned. The relationship didn’t work out but I hope the lessons will be helpful to someone else. If you have some time, please check the entries out (unfortunately, you won’t get to benefit from the comments of those who read the entry several months back):

1. Love and Learn – Introduction
2. Love and Learn – God-given roles in the relationship
3. Love and Learn – Don’t ignore signs in a relationship
4. Love and Learn – Don’t compromise on how you want to be treated
5. Love and Learn – Define the relationship! (Part 1)
6. Love and Learn – Define the relationship! (Part 2)
7. Love and Learn – Put God first (always!)
8. Love and Learn – Conclusion

The other great thing happening is my sister is getting married! I first announced it in a Thankful Thursday post and now the year when it all goes down is upon us! Planning a wedding from a distance is not an easy thing. Even harder is moving your life across the world, and my baby sister will be doing just that! It hasn’t really sunk in yet but oh my goodness it won’t be easy for our family to be separated by that distance!

Finally, I want to apologize to the people who signed up to receive a Christmas card from me last year. I was so stressed (I know, I’m a big baby) over the lost blog entries and comments that I didn’t get my act together to get those cards sent in time. Unlike 2011, I cannot blame NiPost for anyone who was expecting a card but didn’t receive one! I’m sorry. I hope the would-be recipients will forgive me.

So tell me, what is new with you?

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