A local Christian hip hop/R n B group called Prosper and GPM performed at the event last year and I loved their music enough to buy their cd. During the Black History Month activities that took place this February, I got to hear one of their new singles live. They performed the new single (It’s not over) again this past weekend and it couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I hope you’ll find it encouraging too. They dedicated the song to the Haiti earthquake victims so the accompanying images might be hard to watch.

There are two particular areas of my life I can think of right now where I’m tempted to stop trying to get where I want to be or get what I want because of the difficulty involved. I know that challenges are a part of life and I’m no stranger to them but I get tired of the struggle sometimes, and how slow things progress. The song’s chorus was just the reminder I needed:

It’s not over
I’m holding on ’til the end
If I stumble
I’ll rise again and again
It’s not over
I’m holding on ’til the end
Eeeeehhhhhh

For the past week Yinka Ayefele has been crooning to me (on YouTube). I can’t get one of his older albums, New Dawn, out of my head.

The part that has me completely hooked is from 7:04 onwards. I have to get up and dance as soon as I hear it. Needless to say, surviving a car accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down is reason enough for Ayefele to be discouraged and down about his life. No doubt he feels that way at times but I’m encouraged by how’s he’s been able to turn a Bitter Experience to a Sweet Experience (titles of previous albums).

What music do you turn to when you’re in need of encouragement or inspiration?

I was talking to the bride-to-be last weekend and of course her biggest problem is how large the wedding is getting due to all the uninvited guests that will be attending. If you’re not Nigerian or African, this might seem strange to you because most North Americans I know don’t crash weddings, no matter how popular the movie Wedding Crashers was. As of last weekend, the bride-to-be was expecting 500 people, which is more than she had invited. She sent out invitations and what baffled her most wasn’t that Mr. & Mrs. X included the names of their children on the RSVP card that they were returning (even though in some cases the kids weren’t invited), but the fact that Mr. & Mrs. X included the names of Mr. & Mrs. Y, people that the bride and groom do not know at all! And this happened more than once.

Personally, I don’t understand it. Let’s imagine that Mr. & Mrs. X have visitors staying with them and they feel bad leaving them at home to attend a wedding. First of all, Mr. & Mrs. Y don’t even know the bride and groom, so why would they want to attend the wedding? Why can’t Mr. & Mrs. Y spend a quiet evening at their friends’ home, understanding that due to plans that were determined before their arrival, their hosts won’t be available to entertain them for that evening? I think most houseguests would be understanding about that. But in many cases, RSVP or not, Mr. & Mrs. X will bring their houseguests along, not caring if their guests take the seats meant for someone who actually knows the bride and groom and who received an invitation. It’s aggravating for brides especially. Imagine: you invite 200 people to your wedding and you could have 50 extra people show up – or more! Regardless of whether or not you’re serving buffet style food or by the plate, an extra 50 people makes a difference.

I have heard of Nigerian brides and grooms who have managed to pull off small, intimate weddings that don’t include their cousin’s university roommate. I’ve heard of some different tricks that worked:

Sending the invitations on very short notice, hoping that people will be busy on the wedding day
I don’t like this idea because sometimes the people you really want at your wedding may not be able to attend. You could tell the people you really want to attend to “save the date”, but I wonder if word of mouth would cause the information about the wedding to spread to people you don’t want to attend anyway.

Insisting that wedding guests bring their wedding invitation to the venue and not admiting anyone to the wedding who does not have the wedding invitation | By invitation only weddings
This one works, especially if you have a list of all the invitees on a checklist for those who will forget their invitation but who are actually invited. Bouncers at the wedding would also be an important component of this plan. How mortifying would it be to show up for a wedding you were not invited to, and be turned away? Yikes.

Having a destination wedding
This is a good way to keep numbers down: don’t get married where most of your family and friends live. If the destination is one of those one or two week vacation package deals you can guarantee that due to time or money restrictions, you won’t have a full house of guests…unless you give them lots of notice so they can save money (and vacation time) for it.

When my turn comes, I intend to keep things small by Nigerian wedding standards at around 150 people (keep in mind how random this number is since I have no idea if my future husband will have a trillion family members, all of whom are very special and dear to him). If I have my way I will get married in Canada (and do my engagement in Nigeria) so that will automatically keep my wedding numbers low. I would love to do the guestlist/bouncer thing, but that’s a bit much for what I expect to be no more than about 150 people. Instead, I will beg my mom on my knees to please not mention my wedding to anybody except the people she asked me to invite.

Then I’ll pray very very hard the only thing I’ll have to worry about is the length of my very long-winded father’s speech!

1. How have you or friends of yours successfully kept the number of wedding guests down?
2. Do you think keeping numbers down is the biggest wedding-related concern after ‘Where do I find my bride/groom in the first place?’

1. My parents celebrated their 34 year wedding anniversary yesterday! They are such a remarkable couple, loved by so many people, and loved most of all by my siblings and I. I have praised them many times on this blog and I know I will always have reasons to be thankful for their loving example to us and for their love for each other. They have been through rough times, but their love and committment to each other is never shaken, and it’s such a great example to see. I wish I had my camera with me last night to snap a picture of the happy couple but I didn’t…my mom just lights up whatever space she occupies and my dad…well the best person on this earth to coax a smile on his face is my mom (followed closely by me, might I add!). They really complement each other.
2. My sister celebrated her 29th birthday last week and my dad celebrated a milestone birthday (60 years!) two weeks ago. We held a last minute celebration that was well-attended despite the short notice…people know how good my mom’s cooking is (unlike mine!) and they really love my parents. We got RSVPs from people saying things like “we wouldn’t miss this for the world!”.
3. My bestest friends also celebrate(d) wedding anniversaries in August, on the 20th and 31st respectively.
4. Remember the Filipino couple I mentioned in a thankful post? They are in Canada now, but we still have not met. She has not been feeling well lately, and has asked for prayers. Well guess what? She’s pregnant! I was as excited as a big sister could be…so many positive changes have taken place in their life recently, and now a baby is on the way.

Another lovely thing that fills me with a lot of joy is how much my baby brother, Babatunde, loves asking me for advice and input on decisions he’s contemplating, from whether he should pursue a certain young lady to whether he should delay university for a great job offer. I once found a wonderful birthday or Father’s Day card for my dad. The front said something like I love all the good advice you give me, Dad, and on the inside it says Not because I follow it, but because you have a very pleasant speaking voice. It was the perfect card for my dad because he spends so much time talking to us, trying to help us make the best choices possible, and I know he feels like his words just float over our heads. I feel the same way with Babatunde, but I still love that he is showing me some kind of respect by asking for my two cents, even though he often disregards it.

My other brother (Babatunde’s older brother) and I have a rocky relationship. We are both very alike, frighteningly so, so of course we clash very often. Most people would be surprised at the kind of fights we have, and only my closest friends know how bad things have been. And of course since I’m the eldest, I’m not supposed to act like I do in these instances. But I do. There have been times when I’ve wondered if we will stop talking to one another entirely, and that makes me sad because family is important to me. I haven’t really prayed about getting closer to him, because for so long I’ve been too angry and hurt to do so, but that is changing and I’m very happy for that. Despite all the anger I’ve felt toward him over the years, despite the times when I’ve wished bad things on him, I’ve always made sure not to let the sun go down on that anger, and I’ve let God know that I didn’t really mean it. So, I am thankful that God continues to not only preserve his life and mine, but that He’s also helped us get closer to one another. It’s a case of one step forward and three steps back most of the time, but there is progress being made. I am very thankful…words cannot express it.

I hope you have something to be thankful for…think on it: you’ll find something!

And I have a beautiful kitchen, one that practically begs me to use it.

(The cutie in the picture is my mom.)

Almost a year ago, I went to my parents’ place for a lesson on cooking obe ata. I think my mother probably made her first obe ata at the age of seven. I’m 31 and I still have not made my own pot of stew all by my self (my mom was directing me that last time). I thought by now I would have graduated to more complex stews but instead, I’m still working on stocking my kitchen to prepare Nigerian food. Winter is coming and I would like to be able to make some delicious stews. Last week I made a first step: I bought myself some Maggi cubes:

I just need a few hundred other ingredients (see the comments on this entry for specifics) and next week I can start the cooking experiment in earnest: my goal is recreate the obe ata and have it taste good.

How do your cooking skills rate?

• Vaccinate me
• Gift ideas
• Traveling to Nigeria – bathroom “necessities”
• Traveling to Nigeria – clothing and accessories
• Flying (within Nigeria)
• Thankful and Lagos hotel hunting

You can also read about my frustrations with the N@ija High Commission if you’re so inclined.

But what I wanted to talk about was tourism in Nigeria. As someone who wasn’t born in the country, I don’t really know much about the hotspots, but I just know there are some! There are a couple of key reasons why only a few countries in Africa get enough tourism to consider it a true source of money for the country, and we could talk about that another time (hint: lack of consistent social infrastructure). I can’t wait for the day where world travelers will put more African countries, including Nigeria, on their “trip around the world” itinerary.

When I was in Nigeria last time, I heard about a famous rock (I did some research and it could have been Aso, Zuma or Olumo) as well as the Obudu Cattle Ranch, but we didn’t have time, budget, time, time or time to get to do anything touristy. In fact the closest I got to getting souvenirs was in the hour before boarding the plane back to Canada, when I spent my last nairas on assorted carvings that I paid too much for at the airport because I’m not a good bargainer.

The problem with having family where you’re going is that it’s really hard to tell them that you’re in town but you’re going to take a week or two to explore before coming to see them. That never goes over well. A sneaky solution is to tell them that you arrive in town a week after you actually arrive, and get all that touristy stuff out of the way first. I suggested that to my mother for our next trip and she wasn’t keen on the idea because both of her parents and all of her siblings except one are in Nigeria, so for her, the trip is all about seeing her family and not any “yeye tourist activities”. In fact spending any time in Lagos to explore is a big waste of time in her opinion, since we have no family in Lagos (I know, we’re an anomaly). I just may have to consider a solo trip to Nigeria in the future!

But before that, I’d like you to suggest some places that anyone going to Nigeria should make time to visit. It can be tourist attractions or any place that you think would give people the true flavour of Nigeria’s rich culture.

Fine, life is good but there are so many challenges, so many things that disappoint us or go wrong, lots of unanswered prayers that cause us to lose hope or overshadow our thankfulness. We all face them. When you see an entry here that is all about thankfulness, don’t think everything in my life is perfect and I’m completely satisfied (in some instances I should be, but I’m a typical flawed human). In many cases I have to think hard before I come up with more than one reason to be thankful. Don’t think I’m writing to brag about my life, or show off that my life is better than anybody else’s. I just know that by taking time each week to focus on the good, I feel better about all aspects of my life, including the things that aren’t going as expected.

Last year, I mentioned that as a result of interacting with more Nigerians, especially family that I had reconnected with on my last trip to Nigeria and also some friends that I have met through blogging, I’ve slightly modified how I speak with them when compared to my non-Nigerian friends. It wasn’t deliberate, but it’s happened nevertheless. I’ve added the following to my repertoire:

I use the word “again” to mean “anymore”
Example: “I went for dinner with that cute guy last Tuesday…or wait, was it the Tuesday before that? I don’t know again” (the old me would have said “anymore” or “I can’t remember” instead of ‘again’).

“Eh ya” and other expressions of emphathy
Honestly the English language is lacking in expressions of empathy. I think the best English expression for empathy would be “Awww”, but it can mean “how cute/sweet/romantic” as well as “oh, what a shame!” (I’m actually a big “aww”-er). I know we’ve all had a situation where a colleague tells you a story about how on their way to work they tripped and ripped their skirt and you say “sorry” and they (especially if they are not Nigerian) say “It’s not your fault!”. If I am telling a fellow Nigerian the same story, you can bet I’m going to pause and give them a chance to say “sorry”, “pele”, “ndo” or “eh ya”, and now if you tell me a tale that merits an “eh ya”, you’ll hear one come from my lips or fingertips. A little empathy goes a long way.

I can’t deny that I like these little changes to my communication, especially because it’s something that’s just happening; I’m not forcing it; I’m just absorbing it from the environment. Even so, I’m resisting adding the word am to my vocabulary, when it’s used in place of “I am” (for example, when I ask someone how they’re doing, and they respond with “Am fine”, or if they want you to know that they are tired, they say “am tired”. Am not ready to go down that road!

I have more to say on the topic of the awards, but I guess I’ll save it for that blog. If you have any comments, and I’m sure some of you do, please leave them here or on the awards blog.

::I’m thankful for the people I’ve met through blogging. My dad told me sometime last year that I attract good friends and this has extended to the people I have met through this blog. I’m not sure what is it; well clearly it’s not something I do in my own power. Maybe it’s the fact that I pay most people who leave a comment five Canadian dollars. It’s not much but in most countries you can get at least one coffee with that.

My life is definitely better for having started this blog. I’ve been blogging for almost eight years now and I have always been blessed to meet lovely people everywhere I plant a blog. My only wish is that I could meet everyone in person!

::Hope
It can be hard to keep hope alive that you’ll meet the right person for you and get married and have those three or four kids your heart desires when you’ve been single for your entire adult life, but I recently read a book that kind of gave me some peace regarding the question of when I will meet a good man and get married. The funny thing is that I thought I was on that track but it turns out that things weren’t as clearcut as I thought! And this peace is probably short-lived, since I’m human and often falter. I’m sure I’m meant to learn to depend on God, and to stop trying to do everything in my own power. I’ve been working on that, saying prayers that let God know exactly how I’m feeling on any topic that pops into my head related to a future partner. I’m expecting a beautiful surprise!

My entry reviewing the book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred is posted on Chichi’s blog, if you’re curious. It’s long but you can skim it.

::Those things we take for granted
I was tweeting earlier this week about how I went out on Sunday and also before work to run/walk and how it would be easier to just not eat ijekuje (junkfood) ever again than suffer from this physical activity (I wish I could just say “No more ikekuje!” and it could be so). But then on the late night news I saw a man from New Zealand who had been wheelchair-bound for the last three years due to paralysis of his legs following a car accident. Now, thanks to this bionic contraption, I think it was called REX, he was able to walk upright! He pretty much gets into a machine for the lower half of his body which helps move his legs…hope you can envision it. Anyway, the news report said something like he was happy to be able to shake someone’s hand while being level with them. Something some of us do every day yet never think of.

I have a colleague who’s very physically active, but a car accident some years back has left her with chronic back pain. She gets so pained when she sees people who are jogging because she can’t jog like she used to. Imagine wishing you could jog? She’s nuts sha, but I get her point: it’s when something you take for granted is taken away that you really realize how much you miss it (imagine if someone told me I could no longer blog?!).

Hope these two examples remind you like they did me to be thankful for those things we forget to even acknowledge. And I hope you have a great weekend planned!

To help you out, here are the areas where I’d love your input:

• Best way to remove armpit hair
• Best exercise for flabby arms and stomach
• Quickest healthy meal
• How to wrap relaxed hair
• The essential spices for cooking most Nigerian dishes
• Least expensive way to call Nigeria (I think my current deal ($2.50 for 35 minutes) is ok but I wouldn’t mind something better)
• Best blemish-control regimen for the face
• How you keep up with your to do lists and get things done

In other news, I’m trying a new hair salon tomorrow morning for hair relaxing (I’m done with my old place). I’m hoping my scalp doesn’t get burned and I don’t get gouged financially! Ms. O and Bob-ij, I’m looking forward to receiving your recommendations for hair stylists in O-town!

Speaking of love…wow! I have never felt so much love from people, just for being born! Thank you for commenting on my last entry and wishing me a happy birthday. I appreciate the facebook and twitter messages as well. I received phone calls from Writefreak, Aloted, Sheri, Anne and other friends. Olaoluwatomi and another blogger who may want to remain anonymous emailed me and I got text messages too. I even got a birthday serenade which I mocked for sounding “so Nigerian”. :)

A very special person gave me these lovely roses…and I guess it’s time for me to come clean about one or two things…

Ok: I have a friend named Allison and she and her husband have given me flowers for my birthday two years in a row now. I love getting flowers!

(Oh, did you think I was going to say something else?)

I could be wrong but it seems calling the celebrant on their birthday is a very popular thing among Nigerians. It’s not something that I do much—I’ll send a card or email and I usually receive the same—but judging by the way I felt as I listened to those messages later (when I got back from camping), I think I’ll have to add calling to my list of things to do for friends celebrating a birthday.

There are a number of things I’m very thankful for, aside from living to see another year and surviving the camping trip:

• that my youngest brother is now a college graduate (his gradation was on the morning of my birthday and I was happy to attend).
• that we survived an earthquake! My part of the country experienced an earthquake on Wednesday June 23 around 1:45pm and it was scary (magnitude 5.0 earthquake is no small thing). You should have seen how I ran down the stairs…when you think you may be running for your life, even a big girl can move. What was a bit worrisome is that I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on: our building has a lot of embassies in it, and we’re three blocks from the parliament buildings, so there are always demonstrations and other things going on nearby. There has also been a bomb threat in our building before so my priority was to be safe. In retrospect my actions were contrary to my childhood training on earthquakes: you aren’t supposed to go outside…you’re supposed to hide under a desk or other sturdy structure. I’ll remember for next time (though I hope there isn’t a next time).
• that my dear friend is expecting her second child—her second son—and all is going well. I could never picture her with female kids but if they decide to go for three maybe I’ll be proven wrong!
• for the faith and resiliency of those who are waiting to be blessed with children. Please keep these people in your prayers.
• for learning opportunities, even when I resist them and even when it takes me a few tries to learn the lesson I’m meant to learn. Right now I feel like one of my friends has been brought into my life to teach me how to take risks and I’m hoping I eventually learn what I am meant to learn.

I remember two camping trips with my family, soon after we arrived in Canada. The first time was about 23 years ago (gosh! some of you weren’t even born yet!). Friends at the church we were attending at the time loaned my parents their RV (recreational vehicle) which is basically a mini-house on wheels. It was lovely, and my sister and I were impressed with how the various compartments of the RV were convertible: the dining room doubled as a bed, for example. During the second camping trip one or two years later, we camped in tents. My parents shared a tent with my brothers while my sister and I had our own tent (if I recall correctly).

So it’s my parents’ fault that I love camping. In the last ten years, I’ve gone camping five or six times (aka “not often enough”). This will be my fourth year camping with this particular group that includes my sister and we always have a good time. But those of you who haven’t gone camping are probably wondering why I would voluntarily subject myself to mosquitos, sleeping on hard, uneven ground and cooking over the fire.

For one, because it’s a great break from “regular life” and is very relaxing. When the weather cooperates the weekend away feels a lot longer. You stay up late gisting around a campfire, you wake up early yet feel rested (until you get home and realize that you’re actually sleep-deprived), you lie on the beach, toes submerged in the softest sand ever, reading a magazine and you’re free to fall asleep. You shower if you want to (yes, there are shower facilities where we go, thank God! I’m not really into “roughing it” without flushing toilets and running water) and being lazy is a major rule of the time away.

And secondly, since I didn’t grow up cooking over a fire, there’s an aspect of novelty for me. If I had to do this every day, I’d resent it but once or twice a year, it’s fun. (Oh, and we have a propane stove that we also use so cooking over the fire is a real novelty).

Please join me in praying for good weather for this weekend. The meteorologists always get it wrong and I’m hoping the rain they have predicted for Saturday (rainstorm with thunder and lightning) is an error.

And in case you missed it, Group B nominations of the Nigerian Blog Awards are being accepted for the next 11 days! Have a look at the categories and nominate some of your favourite bloggers for categories such as Friendliest Blogger, Houdini Blogger or TMI Blogger. Go to the site and find out what these categories mean!