Friend zone

I used to think it was great to have a lot of friends; now I’m more interested in quality, so I’m looking for friends who share my values, I want to deepen existing friendships that are mutually beneficial, and I want to distance myself from people who no longer add enough to my life. Since I’m trying to break a lot of bad habits, and since who you hang out with affects who you become, I’m paying more attention to the energy that I give off when I’m with people, and I’m also paying attention to the energy of the people I spend the most time with.

I’ve never had much use for male friends, meaning I never sought out friends of the opposite sex on purpose, but I think my low maintenance, jovial side attracts guys who want to be friends—only friends. After decades of this, I’m over it: at this stage I don’t want male friends when it’s clear that friendship is all that it’ll ever be (of course I want to be friends with my husband so I may be contradicting myself). The few times that I’ve been introduced to someone it’s been with the expectation that something more than friendship would come out of it.

So, when I’m getting to know someone that I’ve been introduced to, those first few weeks are very important. A few weeks may seem like a short amount of time but I think we usually know when someone is treading carefully but with romantic intent and when they’re plain disinterested—sometimes we fool ourselves that there might be romantic intent lurking, but if a friend were to ask what we think of the same situation if it was happening to them we’d tell them “Girl, he’s just not that into you!”

If I feel like I’m headed to the “friend zone” with a guy I was starting to develop an interest in, my instinct is always to get off that train, fast! Some would keep the friendship going in the hopes that things may change, or that the friend could connect them to someone special in the future, but I just can’t, especially when the friendship is just developing and we haven’t invested much time yet. I know it sounds harsh and maybe I need to be delivered from this kind of thinking but I prefer it to settling for less than I expected. Keep in mind I’m only talking about situations where the guy is clearly or mostly disinterested.

But how do you end a friendship that’s just beginning? I prefer to be direct, but this doesn’t always work with men because some of them (not all) have delicate egos, in which case fading away is best, especially if the friendship has barely begun.

What do you do when you feel you’re headed to the “friend zone” with someone you had bigger hopes for, or when you don’t have romantic feelings for someone who likes you?

Want my monthly messages?

Subscribe for a monthly, often personal, message from Good Naija Girl.

Powered by ConvertKit

11 thoughts on “Friend zone

  1. With guys you have to do the fading away thing. It’s so much easier. I also think it’s their preferred method. You just distance yourself slowly.

    Also, just keeping up a low maintenance friendship with a guy might be ok. You never know what could develop over time.

    • I know in my heart that you’re right about the fade away, Ves, but it feels mean, probably because I’m thinking of it from a female point of view rather than what the guy would prefer. Smart lady!

      You know me and low maintenance friendships—I’m really bad at them!

  2. I also believe in quality than quantity. Can 2 walk together if they are not in agreement? And birds of the same feather flocks together. So if we don’t have something in common that will be beneficial to both of us, then how can we be yoked together? Benefits ought not to be material things, but sound advise, prayers, a shoulder to lean on, and to put a smile on ones face whenever they see or hear from them.

    Parasitic relationship should be severed in anyway possible. Either by going incommunicado or avoiding places you can easily jam each other, not attending same functions with the person or turning down invitations from the person. For a male, stop hanging out with him, so as to create room for an interested party. If interested in him, drop subtle hints if not reciprocated, make yourself scarce from his life.

    Like it is always said, no man is an island, humans are social beings, so we must have 1 or 2 friends in our lives, but the friendship must be defined.

    Happy weekend Jummy.

    • Very good advice, New Dawn! I find it interesting that you also seem to recommend the fade away, like Ves. I guess it’s the kinder way.

      Wishing you and your family a great weekend too.

  3. Heres my two kobos worth.
    If one is headed to the friend zone with someone they had “higher” hopes for, I would not recommend the fadeaway method. First of all, the friendship zone may not be the final location, it could simply be a path that might lead to the desired designation. Besides even if it ended only in a great friendship..what’s so bad about that. In this “wikid” times, good friends are hard to find o :-)
    In response to your second question, if you do not reciprocate the feelings of someone who fancies you, I also would not recommend a “fade away” because, the fact that you do not reciprocate today does not mean you will not reciprocate tomorrow….people change their minds you know and sometimes love grows in the strangest places. I would recommend you get to is the person more and then if it’s a definately no…the person might pick up on that and fade away of his own accord! Leaving the coast clear for some Idris Elba type purrson!
    Forgive any typhos…I type from an iPad with forced spell check :-)

    • Lol Tamkara!

      I have a hard time nurturing a friendship with someone who was meant to be something more; my best guess is that it’s a mixture of pride and a personality quirk. I have a hard time remaining friends with someone in the hopes that something more may come out of it in the future, especially when there’s nothing really compelling about the friendship to begin with (as in the person is adding nothing new to my life). When I was younger I was more open to making friends and seeing where that goes.

  4. Honestly, I understand you point of view, sadly, I learnt from being burnt a couple of times. I tried to stay friends while hoping for the best and it was a really bad idea easily as it meant that I had a hard time drawing lines…
    Anyways now I tend to be more end abruptly. I feel like it’s better for me emotionally.

  5. If i got the first question right, Its about “FEELING the relationship is going to friendzone”. In my own view, i would suggest talking it out with the other person to see if its really headed to friendzone(cos sometimes it might not really be).
    I know it doesn’t sounds good to talk about it but at least one would have a solid and better view of the relationship’s status.

    • Hi Tunde! I like the idea of talking too, though often the person who isn’t interested isn’t too forthcoming about their true feelings out of fear of hurting the other person’s feelings. As for me, I’d rather have my feelings hurt and know where I stand with someone than have them lead me on.

      Thank you for commenting!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *