GNG talks about sex (my father will be so proud!)

My thoughts on sex before marriage are here and here. I have been lucky to have never been tempted to have sex with any man. This is what happens when you are single, single, single. Whenever the issue of sex comes up with a guy, oftentimes (I didn’t say all the time) he will say something similar to “a woman being a virgin when she gets married will be a good gift for her husband”. And not just guys: other women who have had sex, if they hear of a woman planning to save it for marriage will often commend her, saying it’s a good thing she’s doing and she won’t regret it. I’m not sure if they’re saying it because they actually believe it because they have regrets about their own situation, or they’re trying to sound supportive. A couple of reasons this rubs me the wrong way is:

  • you don’t often hear the opposite being articulated (men abstaining from sex for their future wives)
  • most of the guys saying this are lying through their teeth because if they were actually dating one of these women who wanted to save sex for marriage, they either wouldn’t be able to date her longer than a few days weeks months because not having sex is a deal breaker for them, or they’d try to use their “persuasive powers” to change the girl’s view on sex out of wedlock (I don’t blame blame them and I know that a man who wants a little somethin’ somethin’ can be quite persuasive, and temptation would be a big problem. The average woman (me included) would probably be tempted to become putty in his hands).

(Am I wrong?)

(We won’t bring in the Christianity aspect since none of us who claim to be Christians can say we adhere perfectly to all parts of the bible, so I can’t say I’m “such a good Christian” for not having sex while I’m busy sinning in others ways.)

So what’s my point? Well, I may not have one. Maybe I want more guys to say what they’re really thinking on the matter, that they think waiting until marriage to have sex with a woman is something they are not prepared to do, though they admire the decision in principle. Maybe I want to hear more guys talking about abstaining (it’s possible I’m just not in contact with such guys. Ekene Agabu is the only guy I know who actually has it out there). Maybe I want to believe that it’s possible in my 30s to meet a guy who will respect my decision and honour it along with me. I’d like to think the right guy would (and not run screaming, certain that I will be a frigid woman in bed). I’d also like to deal with reality.

I don’t mind if my future boyfriend or husband has had other partners, mostly because I’m practical and if a 30 year old female who has not yet had sex is rare, the male version is even rarer. However, I will care about the number he’s sharing. If he’s in his 30s and had lost count, or passes his age when counting up his past partners, that is too many for me.

Ok, enough out of me:

  1. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?
  2. Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?
  3. Will you share your number (with your partner)?
  4. Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

24 thoughts on “GNG talks about sex (my father will be so proud!)

  1. i personally can only speak for myself. i wont and seriously hope that i dont have sex before marriage.

    male virgins are rare..im young oh but most of guy friends arent virgins any longer.

  2. 1. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    For myself I would like to wait if that isnt the case Im not going to beat myself up too much about it (the mind is strong but the flesh is weak and willing)..lol

    2. Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    I dont want to know. the only thing from a future spouse that I will want to know is that your health papers are in order. Yes I will provide my own HIV free, STD free papers. But at the end of the day the number he has slept with only matters if he's still sleeping with them…I cant hate on him because he's been blessed with opportunity and willing women. Take it as experience ladies and use that experience to your advantages…if he's learned nothing thats when I might be a tad bit upset….lol

    3. Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    Never …unless he really thinks its necessary. And by partner I hope you mean husband to be…there has got to be a ring on it.

    4. Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

    I know some virgins in their late 20's not a lot mind you…they are rare but there are more guys out there who are virgins and born again virgins

  3. 1. If the two parties are in a stable and loving relationship with marriage near on the horizon, they can have sex. If they're not sure when then they must use protection as far as sex is not a distraction to self building like education or career development.

    2. As long as they don't tell me, and as long as it has not coloured their mindset that they see everyone as a piece of flesh and the next sex partner.

    3. Yes, if I decide they're mature enough to handle it.

    4. Absolutely! But they're there.

  4. 1. Religion aside (or included) I think that people should do what feels right for them in regards to premarital sex. If you want to abstain – then do so; if you want to have sex- then do so. Just be sure that you are happy with your decision and can live with the consequences either way. What really annoys me is when women claim to abstain because being a virgin will make their future husbands respect them more or as GNG said, it will be a good gift for the man. I know many women who were virgins (a la our parents' age group) when they married and unfortunately their virginal status didn't make the men respect them MORE or refrain from cheating.

    2. Number of partners that is acceptable?

    -First off, can we ever really know what our future spouses real number of partners is? Even when they are really telling the truth we will probably still doubt in the back of our minds.

    3. Share my number?

    -Why? If he really presses I may be forced to lie. LOL. But hey, I gave him a number right?

    4. I do not know any male virgins personally. I have asked my male friends this question and they tell me that it is rare but that it exists. Well, let's do a (un?)scientific experiment (he he)…everyone should ask them selves how many male virgins they actually know. Me- Zero.

  5. 1. If the two parties are in a stable and loving relationship with marriage near on the horizon, they can have sex. If they're not sure when then they must use protection as far as sex is not a distraction to self building like education or career development.

    2. As long as they don't tell me, and as long as it has not coloured their mindset that they see everyone as a piece of flesh and the next sex partner.

    3. Yes, if I decide they're mature enough to handle it.

    4. Absolutely! But they're there.
    P.S. – Sorry, forgot to tell you great post!

  6. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    To each his own. It's a personal choice. Having sex before marriage or after marriage does not guarantee a successful marriage or marriage on time. that is something btw u and God AND NOT MAN.

    Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    Doesnt bother me as long none of the numbers include my close friend. I'm not 15- why wld i even ask such silly question?

    Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    Becos dat what? if a dude is childish enof to ask- i'll tell him 119. if he cant deal- he shld bounce. cos 119 or not- will not determine me being a good/bad wife.

    Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria? Yes they are rear but they do exist. And the very few i know- i cant relate with on a social level- they seem to be rather odd. They need to get LAID- thats what it is and losen up. lwkmd. Personally they will not be of interest to me. Older virgin folks for some odd reason kinda feel morally superior and judgmental. Plus i dont need anyone thinking i'm an ashewo cos i already know what i like. lol!!!

  7. ok, i just read u post. hehehehe. pls pls pls, since u've waited this long to burst the bubble- there is no need. wait till u get married. A man who truly loves u will not bounce becos u're still a virgin. Now also be careful of guys who are not virgins but insist on marrying one. I know a guy who married his virgin wife- and i'm sorry darling- but i wld rather die a nun than be in that kinda a relationship. When a woman has no experience with the opposite sex- if she falls into the wrong hands- she cld be taken for a ride!

    Remember- if u feel ur viriginty is a prized possession- it is for God!!! I hope u see where i'm coming from.

  8. I commend u GNG for still having it.

    As per ur questions:

    1. Premarital sex is a personal decision. If I'm in a great rship, sex won't be an issue, tho sometimes I really wanna be celibate

    2. If my partner is sexually active, which is always d case, I don't wanna know d no as long as he's risk free and healthy

    3. If the conversation steers to sexual partners and I have to answer, I will! Hoping he won't use it against me.

    4 I'm yet to find a male virgin in their late 20s and beyond but I'm sure they exist.

    That's my own $0.02

  9. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    I dont know really. I think sex is important in any relationship/marriage. As someone who prefers a guy who knows what he's doing I'd rather sleep with him before marriage. I cant imagine being stuck in a marriage with sex that sucks. And you know how they say you can teach someone? Me reckons its a bloody lie, you cant teach someone to sync with you sexually. It comes naturally. But then I only know this cos I've had sex countless times before. And lately I made a decision not to have sex anymore before I get married. Looking at it now I know I lied. I just cant.

    Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    Am an extremely jealous person so i'd rather not know. Already I suffer at the thot of what my lover has done with previous lovers when he does stuff to me in bed that drives me crazy. Imagine now knowing how many of them he's dont that to. mba.

    Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    As someone who's lost count, it'll be better for his sanity and perhaps pride if he doesn't know…wink*

    Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

    Right now I dont know any virgins in that bracket and frankly who cares. Like I said my man shud come well equipped.

  10. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    I personally don't care what other people do. I am not God so I will not cast any judge. I have not "done it" yet but I cannot say I was not tempted in the past. I will say that I feel I am only a virgin NOW because the opportunity has not arisen. In the past, it was all about staying pure until marriage. I am not too sure if guys actually care anymore or if I still care. Also, I don't want to be disappointed if I wait (I think). Another thing is withholding sex until marriage does not guarantee a good marriage.

    I will say this though that when I tell people about my lack of experience I get one of 2 reactions. Silence or utter shock. No one thinks it is great or a bad thing. At my age, no one is impressed. I do think secretly though that people think I am odd so I never talk about it anymore.

    Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    I personally don't want to know. I can't say it would mean anything to me. As long as he is not giving me any diseases.

    Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    If he asks, sure. At my age, the amount of men I sleep with until I actually get married will be very little statistically. It is hard for me to open up so sex is a HUGE thing for me. Also, I would be suspicious on why he wants to know. Why does it matter.

    Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria

    I don't know one male in this age category and older who are virgins. Once again, I don't care. Has nothing ot do with me.

  11. It's a personal decision. I find that the only way people who have decided to go that route stay true to it is if it is a spiritual decision. It's had enough abstaining so it'd be better to get into a relationship with a man who shares your beliefs and isn't just doing it cos you want him to.

    It's never really bothered me…i've never had to ask nor have i ever been asked. If the conversation goes that way i won't have a problem disclosing. However, he CANT be one of those people that expect a woman to have a low body count but he's can be in the triple digits…

    I know of at least 2 30+ dudes that are virgins, that being said, i think male virgins are very rare.

  12. This is the 21st century. I dont want to marry a virgin and I dont want to marry a man who wants to marry a virgin. Shikena. If that makes me a slut, so be it. Long live sluts.

  13. – I am of the school of thought that believes people should do whatever makes them happy. if sex before marriage makes you happy, then go for it. I abstinence is your chioce, then go for it!..

    -No. It is called the past for a reason. and as long as none of that baggage follows him into our relationship, it can remain in the past. I do not need to know.

    -No I wont. Why would he even ask? Like I said before, it is called the past for a reason.

    – LOL! Is male, virgin and 20+ allowed to be used in the same sentence?. I am yet to meet one. Well at least none I know openly professes their virginity..

    good job GNG on bring up sex…xx!

  14. Great and Brave post GNG!

    Allow me to answer your questions.

    1. Pre-marital Sex for me is a NO. I' wish i could say that i live by the WORD, but i fall sometimes. Nevertheless, i consider PMS a NO because i am trying (wiht God's help) to live by the WORD. And also, if i may add, its not for spiritual reasons, but relational reasons. I have a relationship with my maker – so i take with great consideration this body He has made for me.

    2. I have always been convnced that i'd marry a virgin. call me INSANE but that has been my convictions. Now, in the case that my convictions are not in parallel with God's plan and wills me to marry someone who has a 'lenghty past', i'll pray hard i will forget how many he has slept with. hahahaha!!

    3. definitely i'd share!!! it would be easy -zero! but i hope he doesnt judge my 'capacity' hahaha!

    4. i know a couple of guys in late twenties that are still virgins. i just hope they are not liars. hahaha!!!

    im thinking of doing a post on my thoughts about sex too… nice one here.

  15. Thank you for your comments! If we doubted the diversity of blogville's residents, now there's no doubt.

    One thing I didn't think of when asking so many questions at the end of this post was how many things I've have to respond to for each commenter!

  16. i say to each his own..if u can follow ur convictions to not have pre-marital sex, great just don't play the virgin card with a holier-than-thou attitude. i hav some friends like that..down to earth, dirty talking broads, if u don't know. u can't tell..and i hail them.

    ok, the 'would u tell him of the no of partners ?' reminds me of that episode of 'gossipgirl' where Dan's dad exchanged list of previous partners with Serena's mom..funny..babe had to hide her second page after viewing the guy's list..lol..

    i have a friend who says 'since men can be so jealous, my past lovers cannot be more than 2 at any point in time'..lol..

    for me, i told Mr Me everything, he knows all there is to know. i shocked him, i know ..and in his credit, he wasn't even fazed..but i told myself i don't want anything creeping up on me from the past. so i cleaned that slate when i started my life with him. it made sense to me that way and i must say, it strengthend us even mo.

    i know some guys who are/ were virgins right late 20s. yep. funny, most of them are married now

    Actually, no one knows this but i can say it here, i met, love and married one..don't scream..not that i particularly digged it or anything..

    and boy, you would never guess in any way..it was hard to believe cos he doesn't look it..infact, u would call him a player just looking at him but from his reasons, i understood.

    also, he had done everything but oral and penetrative sex..

    (he's a virgin nah, afterall, if he doesn't enter, he's stil a virgin.

    i changed his status before we got married o, long behind we married guy was blowing my mind and eager to make up for time lost..lol..

    'nuff said..

  17. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    had i being more spiritual i would have abstained b4 marriage. PMS causes too much wahala, emotional n soul ties that's sometimes hard to break.

    Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?i'm already married…hubby n i were pretty good friends n open per our past….i was very happy with his number n he mine

    Will you share your number (with your partner)? yup..twas fun

    Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria? very very rare …even d ones in church all do it

  18. Alrighty…let's call a spade a spade. The truth about pre-marital sex is simple, pre-marital sex is a sin. Of course it could be argued that sin is sin and that God metes out equal punishment for sins. Not going to argue against that point. However, let's examine the facts.

    In any society that hopes to maintain a level of propriety, the need for laws becomes necessary. That being said, the Bible makes it clear that anyone who commits sexual sin sins against their body. So stealing, lying, anger , envy, jealousy…those are sins "outside" your body. Sexual sin is a different animal altogether, and God takes sexual sin seriously.

    Opening up the door to this form of sin will lead to a downward spiral. If anyone needs convincing on this issue, refer to the Book of Romans Chapter 1. The people to whom that epistle was written chose to defile themselves, so God gave them up to their vile desires to do what was unseemly.

    For those who say do whatever makes you happy, I wouldn't be quick to say that. Sexual sin is immoral. If we decide as a society that we should do whatever makes us happy, then I can argue that the killers at Columbine High School or Osama Bin Laden are justified because they did what made them happy. Now this is not a stretch, rather I'm choosing to paint what for some is reality with a broad stroke. Several people have done what made them happy in regards to sexual sin and it only brought pain and suffering not just for them but for a host of others.

    Taking this further, a couple in a non-marital relatonship (meaning bf/gf or engaged couple) should not be offended if their significant other cheats. They are not commited to you, haven't taken any vows to honor you and owe you nothing. They did what made them happy and so everyone should hold hands after the fact and sing Kumbaya.

    Take a look at our inner cities. Teenagers are birthing babies. Children as young as eleven are becoming sexually active all because they did what made them happy and because society told them it was only natural for them to give in to the desire to have sex. If people only had sex within the marital context, go on this journey with me….there'll be a utopia where we'll have few unwanted pregnancies, fewer cases of rape, and fewer cases of all kinds of sexual assault.

    For anyone holding out until marriage, I doubt that there's any loss. One does not lose by wating, but a lot is lost by giving sex freely just because it feels or felt right at the moment. So, as a society let's have a standard and accept as fact that premarital sex is wrong. Let's be willing to embrace those who fall short, but it should be a mistake not a lifestyle.

    I have heard the argument that holding out could result in awful sex after marriage. But if that's the case, how many partners should one have intercourse with before deciding that the person is the "right" fit. If society were to abide by that, where do we draw the line. Sex I believe is important but it could become a snare to the point where people condone abuse because "the sex was good." A co-worker of mine stayed in a physically abusive relationship for this reason. She'd wear long sleeves in the summer to cover up bruises and scratches, signs of overt physical assault all because the sex was too good to give up.

    That been said, it should be known that there is a standard on the issue. A code of ethics so to say. It's not easy abstaining but it is possible, if one purposes to do so. Even then, it could be a challenge but then God let's us know that his grace is sufficient and our temptations are common to others.

    Finally, the church (I use the church because it is my standard) should be open to discuss sex and allow non-married couple be part of the discourse. People should be able to discuss in a forum what expectations are and what to do if sexual expectation are not met. I beileve it could be an issue, but if the church refuses to talk about it, people are left to "experiment" to find what's right and might get burned in the process.

    Would I want to know the number of partners my significant other has been with? Absolutely. There's a certain number at which it gets really uncomfortable. Anything over I'd say 5 is pushing it. Being unable to control ones sexual desire speaks volumes. There is the issue of self-control and it's just totally uncomfortable to be with someone who's been around the block a little too much. I'll often wonder if he's thinking about those people, and the comparative issue comes into play. So I think it makes perfect sense to know those details.

    Fortunately, I have nothing to share by the grace of God.

    I believe there are male virgins. They may be rare but they are out there. Remember the prophet in the Bible who thought he was the only one who hadn't bowed down to Ba'al? Well, God let him know there were others out there besides him. So to that question yes.

  19. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    Hold bodi. If you no fit hold bodi, use raincoat.

    Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    Not like I really care but under 10 would be nice.

    Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    If she asks, yes. And she did. We shared our numbers :P

    Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

    Considering that a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria is impossible, I'd say that male virgins are not that rare. C'mon.

  20. Haha, "murdering the yoruba language since 1979"? too funny!!

    What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    If you're not ready, DON'T do it! and if you do, use protection abeg, AIDs is very real. But nothing beats not having sex at all.

    Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    max 5! abeg I no fit handle any more than that… and pls let them be past gf/relationships that lasted more than few weeks! thank you.

    Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    If asked, why not.

  21. Great Post GNG

    1. Sex should be for your spouse only. Now I'm not a virgin but we as women get emotional tied to a guy when we just sleep with him without commitment. There are too many emotions involved with the act of sex, so why would anyone just dash it away like that. Oh yeah sex does feel great but after that 6minutes is up then there is a whole lot of feelings and emotions that come along with that and that should be shared with someone special not the average Jo

    Men just see sex as a physical thing and more women need to realize they are more than a cheap lay (they need to stop giving it up too soon)

    2. I can count the men I have slept with on one hand and my husband should be able to do the same. I was also in committed relationships with these men too. No one night stands or nothing. My main thing for my future spouse would be being STD free and to be honest if he cannot count them on one hand then it may be best that I don't know the number of women. But then another part of me would need to know if he has been with any men because of the DL trend and people are experimenting more with their sexuality than ever.

    3. No, I would never tell a man about the number of partners I have had, I can count them all on one hand but he will never know that. All he needs to be worried about is pleasing me as his spouse and me reassuring him that he is the best thing since cable. Why bring up the past.

    4. There are a lot of male virgins out there than you all think, its not as rare as some make it out to be. The sad thing is we live in a society where if they told others they were virgins they would be mocked for years to come. I hear a lot of women say they don't want to marry a virgin man because he wont know what to. Just because a man has slept with other women doesn't mean he knows what he is doing with you. (Speaking from experience my ex boyfriend used to do somethings to me sexually which his previous partner probably found arousing yet I found annoying while homeboy thought he was casanova). I had to guide him and show him what I like and he had girlfriends in the past.

    Whether a man is a virgin or not, I am an individual. I'm not like Chioma, Bola or Zainab, what I want sexually will obviously be different so I will need to school my man on what I want.

    My plea to the ladies out there, if a man doesn't respect your decision to wait till marriage then he is not the man for you. My boyfriend knows he is not getting any till he decides to marry me but at the same time we have both been there and done that so there is no rush. He also knows once I become his wife we will be making up for lost time-and for now we both are happy with this arrangement.

  22. I shed a tear for question #3 Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

    Overall this was a great blog post on a topic that I've spent time and energy discussing with my age mates.

  23. 1. What are your thoughts on premarital sex?

    I think one should wait to have sex with their partner until they are in a long-term committed relationship AT THE VERY LEAST. I don't advocate complete abstinence before marriage because (being a non-virgin myself) I understand quite well how important sex is for a successful relationship.

    Anyone who says otherwise is lying or is……well, a virgin.

    Sex is the most intimate you will be with a person. Sex is also the closest connection you will have with that person for the rest of your lives, even if you never have sex with them again.

    Because of this, it is vital to the relationship that you are both sexually in sync before saying "I DO"……or else one or both of you may find yourselves quite miserable in the long run or worst of all, divorced possibly.

    The ONLY way that I can see avoidance of pre-marital sex working is if BOTH members of the couple are virgins. Neither has anyone to compare sex to, so there won't be any expectations.

    2. Is there a number of partners that you find acceptable for your future spouse to have had?

    I'm a female, so I realistically expect my future spouse to have had quite a few partners. If I had to put a number on it, that would depend on his current age. My new guy (yes, it seems I may have finally found one) is 41 years old. So, I would expect that he has had between 10-15 partners on the whore-ish end, maybe 5-6 on the conservative!

    3. Will you share your number (with your partner)?

    If he's hung up on knowing, I will share, but I would probably reduce it to at least a single digit number. HOLD the slut accusations, PLEASE!!

    4. Are male virgins in their late 20s and beyond as rare as a solid week of constant electricity in Nigeria?

    LOL! First of all, love the humor in this question….lol!

    I think that the virginity status of males in their late 20's and up is highly dependent on their geographical location. In Nigeria, fugeddaboutit (forget about it)! In America, it's more possible but still hard to find. But when you start branching out to other cultures (especially those that place heavy emphasis on religion) you will find this to be more common.

    Love your blogs…..keep up the good work!

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