5 things I’ll do to increase my chances of finding love in 2016

If you, like me, have #2016lovegoals, we need a plan to make this year different from the previous ones. I’m not saying this because my dad reminded me of it last weekend—though sometimes I think he can read my mind—I had drafted this post two months ago. Here are five things that I’ve started—or will start—doing to increase my chances of finding love in 2016. I’m even setting reminders on my phone to make sure I do them!

Regularly and sincerely pray for a spouse (in progress)

Over five years ago I shared that I felt odd praying for a spouse, even though it’s what my dad did and it worked for him. In that post I used the word resentful and it’s true: I resent that something that seems to come easily to others has been a challenge for me. But then I think of the things I have that others have been praying for for a long time and I’m humbled. I forgive myself for the very human behaviour of fixating on what I don’t have.

My faith has been tested in this area, so sincere and earnest prayers it is. More than I would like to be married, I want God’s will to be done in my life because what’s the point of getting married, if only regret follows?

Be the best Jummy (in progress and will be forever)

I had a great talk with a friend a couple of months ago and she told me she’s determined not to ask for more in a man than she’s ready to bring to the table. I’m with her 100%, but this line of thought can be dangerous if you have a tendency to be hard on yourself (ahem). You might end up thinking along the lines of “Oh, that’s why I’m still single—I have too many flaws to take care of and I’m so far away from being my best self!” You end up feeling defeated by all of the work you think you need to do before you can be worthy of being someone’s spouse—this is all mindset stuff that you need to fight.

Most married people will tell you that marriage involves lots of growing and learning. So just because you want a man with super-strong faith doesn’t mean you have to live in the church 24/7: maybe God’s plan is that your husband will be the one to help strengthen your faith, while you’ll strengthen him in other areas. Or if you want a spouse with a body to die for, you may not have to be Ms. Supertoned 2016 because he may like a different physique—you get the point.

There are some bad habits that creep into your life that you can work on: if you’ve lived on your own for a while, you may be used to doing things your way and you may need to accept that there’s more than one way to do everything. Or, maybe you’ve become a little selfish, used to putting your needs first all the time. Maybe you need to learn to truly listen (without waiting for an opportunity to talk about yourself) and learn to empathize with others…these are the kinds of things that you can decide to prioritize, rather than seeking perfection.

Help others in this situation (keeping my eyes open for opportunities)

I’m tired of people telling me that I should give up on marrying a fellow Nigerian, as if I have a line of non-Nigerians trying to date me who I’m turning away—not the case, my friends! There are Nigerians like me age-wise and location-wise who want to meet fellow Nigerians to marry and we should be able to support each other, especially if everyone else around us is discouraging us—I blogged about this six months ago. I want to play matchmaker for others (and I won’t say no if it’s reciprocated!). If you’re in the position to play matchmaker for someone I say go for it! I always feel good when I choose to help someone rather than wallow in self pity (though sometimes I’m guilty of wallowing!).

Online dating? Again? Really? (need to decide on the website and the duration of my membership)

There’s nothing like joining an online dating website, particularly a paid one, to make you feel like you’re being proactive, even if nothing comes of it. The last time I paid my good money for a website was in 2014 and it was a total waste of money, and I was passive on the site. The next time I try online dating I intend to participate fully, searching for profiles that look interesting and doing the online equivalent of giving a “come hither” look (I can’t do it in person so maybe I can manage it online!).

If you want tips on preparing to date online, you should check out Queenette Nwobodo at Love Amaka. Queenette is a relationship coach that I met not too long ago and she caters to smart, savvy women who are looking for love. What I like about her style is she starts with your mindset first, before working on strategies to get you closer to Mr. Right.

Network hacking (I need to finishing drafting an email and press “send”)

I’ve tried this before without success but it’s worth another try. Network hacking for love involves telling people whose judgement you trust that you’re open to being set up or introduced to a potential suitor. If you’re the potential matchmaker, check out the thought-provoking comments left by some of you and my big tip in the comments of Talking to single friends about being single.

The major disadvantage to this option is having nosy people who want regular updates on how things are progressing. If you’re in this situation you need to have the confidence to respectfully say “I appreciate your interest and I promise that you’ll be the first to know when things get serious or when they fizzle” and stop there. it’s your life and you don’t owe anybody anything for connecting you! After all, they won’t be in your relationship, for better or for worse, so you need to protect whatever level of privacy you need.

If you know anyone who was single for a while but is now married, what did they do to bring about the change?

15 thoughts on “5 things I’ll do to increase my chances of finding love in 2016

  1. I usually feel reluctant when it comes to matter relating to love-life but recently i decided to take a bold step and make a change (i started from my blog).
    I read about your previous post regarding praying about future partner, i too didn’t attach importance to praying for future partner (before)
    i wish you the best GNG

  2. I know several women who are quite happy playing the “single girl” and “auntie” role. Most are in their mid-30s, with some in their 40s. At least two are even doing the whole “Eat, Pray, Love” thing and they’re quite enjoying it. For those who are staying at home, they have siblings who are married with kids so they get to be the auntie and see their nieces and nephews on a regular basis. Not everyone is meant to be married, after all. I also know a guy who is doing this. Before I married, I saw him at social events all the time. These days, I only hear from him once or twice a year – when he sends mass emails updating everyone on what he’s doing.

  3. You are always in my prayers, Jummy! I used to be so hard I’m myself, blaming my flaws for my single status. I’ve heard lots of things about laws of attraction and what not, and I think it really starts with the mind.

    For example, if you think you only deserve amd will attract certain type of men, you will. I learned this thanks to my senior year in college.

    Not saying your mindset isn’t in the right place, lol. I’m just championing and celebrating the arrival of our millionaire men! Haha!

  4. Some people ask why God doesn’t answer, or doesn’t always answer, their prayers. But the fact is, God does answer prayer. In fact, God answers every prayer. If you think about it, though, you can understand why he doesn’t answer every prayer with a “Yes,” immediately. Suppose, for example, that Adeniyi prays, “Lord, I need rain on my field right now,” and Adeola standing ten feet away prays, “Lord, please keep the rain away while we finish putting the new roof on my house.” God isn’t going to answer both prayers with a Yes, right away.  But since he does answer every prayer, the question is, how does he do it? How does God answer prayer?
    Here are the answers I’ve seen God give to prayer.
    Yes. This is the answer we all think we want, and are happy to get. God loves to give us what we need, and when our requests align with his will, he often grants the prayer. We’re more likely to get a Yes answer when we study God’s word and come to know his will for our lives and the lives of others.
    Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. –Romans 12:2
    And God knows what’s good for us and for those we pray for. And what’s best for us is not always what we are praying for. That’s why all of our prayers should include “if it’s your will,” or “may it be done according to your will.” After all, you don’t want to pray earnestly for something, have God grant it, and then you, stunned at the consequences, sit there and say, “But I thought….” If you don’t submit everything to God’s will, you might end up asking for something not so very good for you but that God decides to answer with a Yes, because it’s the only way you will learn.  And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. –1 John 5:14 (ESV)
    Yes, But You Aren’t Paying Attention.
    Sometimes God answers our prayer with Yes, but we don’t recognize it because we have a predetermined idea about what that Yes answer will look like. So, when you pray, look around you and think: Did God answer Yes already, and I just need to look around and see it? Is the answer right in front of me if only I can understand it?
     Example 1
    I know this is an old, old story that you’ve heard many times, but it’s appropriate here.
    A man’s house was flooded when a nearby river overflowed its banks during a historic rainstorm, and he was forced to climb onto the roof. As the water rose, he prayed, “Lord, save me. Don’t let me drown.”
      In a few minutes, a man in a motorboat saw him and came over. “Get in,” said the man, “and I’ll take you to safety.”
     But the man on the roof said, “No, thanks. I’m waiting for the Lord to answer my prayer. He will save me. As the water reached the top of the roof and splashed over his shoes, the man saw another boat heading towards him.
    “Jump in, brother,” said the man in the boat “Sorry,” said the man on the roof, his ankles now wet. “I’m waiting for the Lord to save me.” And again he prayed, “Lord, please save me. I need your help now.” But the water kept rising.
    Just when the water was past his waist, a rescue helicopter spotted the man, came over, and dropped a lifeline. “Grab hold of the harness and we’ll pull you up,” said the rescue copter paramedic.
      “No, no, that’s okay,” said the man on the roof.  “God will rescue me. I’m waiting for him.”
     It wasn’t long before the water was too deep for the man to remain standing on the roof. He floated away, got caught in the current, and eventually drowned. When he got to heaven, he met the Lord. “Lord,” he said, with a tone in his voice, “what happened? I prayed to you to rescue me, but you let me drown.”
       “My child,” the Lord said, “I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”
    The point is, don’t be blinded by your own expectations about what a Yes will look like
     Example 2
    Suppose that you pray that you will grow spiritually. When you open your eyes, you see a Bible lying open on the table. Is that the answer to your prayer? Do you resist it? (Think of a friend who comes to you and says, “Please help me lose weight.” You say, “Diet and exercise.” And the friend says, “No, no, some other way.”) Similarly, some of us want to reject Scripture or a specific passage Bottom line: When you ask for something from God, be sure you are ready to receive his answer
    . . . praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints. . . . Ephesians 6:18 (ESV)

    Source: http://www.virtualsalt.com/answerprayer.html

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