Love and Learn revisited

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Some of you might remember the Love and Learn series that I launched last year. It was inspired by my failed relationship, one that really affected me because 1) it was my first serious relationship and 2) I was so sure it would lead to marriage (how naive I was!). I was so excited about things that I had started a brand new blog that I shared with just a few people, detailing the progression of the relationship. I was smitten! But it turned out that although I had learned those lessons several months back, I need a refresher: while I was in Nigeria I wanted to see my ex and have the opportunity to ask him some questions. Yes friends, I wanted closure.

The desire for closure is funny because intellectually I know there’s no answer that will actually give me closure. Let’s say in the best-case scenario, your ex says “I was a jerk, I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m sorry. You are perfection while I’m trash” (hehe). How does that change what you already thought about the situation? You already knew all that! I’m not convinced that getting that admission actually gives the satisfaction we think it will, especially when deep emotions of hurt and rejection are involved.

Or, maybe your ex tells you that he (or she) decided you were too (insert adjective) for him (or her). For most people I bet that would lead to them asking follow-up questions and seeking examples to figure out why s/he thinks what s/he thinks. Or you might get angry if the adjective is insulting and just disagree with the observation. Once again, knowing this wouldn’t bring me the sweet relief I imagine comes with closure.

So if you’re in a similar situation, I urge you to give yourself closure. If that means (as suggested to me by one of my besties) writing a letter to your ex, saying everything that you wish you could say face-to-face and then sending, burning, or deleting it, or if it means praying that the lingering hurts be taken from you, or both, do it. When things ended last year, I told myself that I didn’t want someone who didn’t want me and I still feel this so strongly. However, the very real possibility that I might see him during this trip weakened my resolve a bit and in retrospect it was a good thing that we did not see.

Several friends were hopeful that I’d meet a new special someone in Nigeria, and even though I kept saying “Nope, this trip is about my sister’s wedding!”, I was hoping that one of my new brother-in-law’s friends would spot me in the crowd and be compelled to find out more about me. Fast forward to the wedding day when I was running around like a madwoman, looking frazzled no doubt! I didn’t have a chance to enchant any of my brother-in-law’s friends.

Even so, I remain hopeful and incredibly curious about how my next (and hopefully final!) love story will play out.

6 thoughts on “Love and Learn revisited

  1. I'm one of those people who like to have closure after the end of a relationship and I agree with you, seeking out the person to have that talk doesn't help that much.. Like my sis said, you cannot depend on the person to give you that closure, you need to find it yourself… I don't know if you understand what I mean..

    Bottom line, I like your suggestions about expressing yourself (to yourself) and of course praying to God to help you get over the hurt (I'm still praying and it's over a year now, but I trust God)

    One thing I am certain about is that God always does better.. xx

    • Hey thanks for commenting! I completely understand what you mean and although I'm sorry that you had to go through a painful situation, it helps to know that you're not alone. I agree that God knows better and does better…even though you can't always see it, it's good to know that one day we'll look back and things will make more sense than they do now!

  2. glad you were able to get closure another way. I have written a letter to an ex via email with no expectations of a reply. i felt better letting my thoughts out.

  3. I don't know if closure's really attainable if/when you hear back from your ex. I think that even if you hear what you want, there's still a part of you that wants to know why things didn't work out. I supposedly got closure from someone, and 7 months later, I still ask myself what went wrong, why it went wrong (even though I know full well that he cheated/cheats).

    We can only choose within ourselves and with God's help to move on, a little step further, everyday.

  4. Good! keep looking for that love of your life. He is out there. Sometimes it just takes slightly longer but who cares, enjoy your life in the meantime. He is out there – I can feel it.

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