I said I’d be talking about this next, so here we go.
In Misunderstood?, I mentioned that some guy told me that he was afraid that I was looking for a man who was well established to spoil me. On a Nigerian forum that I am on, some of the men insist that we Naija women are looking for a free ride and a wealthy man to take us on the free ride. And that this man has to be attractive (face) and possess a hot body. These men believe that we women are asking for too much and will end up being old and alone and having to settle for a man much worse than we could have gotten if we weren’t so…picky.
(“Picky” is a word that men use to describe women who refuse to date them and they can’t understand why.)
I won’t lie: some women are looking for a free ride, and not Naija women only. I have one oyinbo friend who is in serious debt and spends all the money she earns to put herself in more debt. She is looking for a man who is going to come and say “I’ll take care of your debt and you can start again. In fact, you won’t have to work: while I’m at work you can go shopping!” This no be lie o, she has admitted it. Rumour has it that she didn’t complete her college degree and I know that she switches jobs regularly. For her having a job is something she’s doing while waiting for Price Moneybags.
(Luckily, her prince seems to have arrived, but he’s no money bags: he’s insisting she set up a plan to get rid of her debt and find a career that will allow her to live how she would like to live. I think he’s good for her in this way.)
Anyways, so gold diggers exist, we all know that.
Women who want to be treated well by their boyfriends also exist. In fact I hope that we are all in that category. I mean who really has the mentality of “Gee, I hope that my boyfriend spends all his money and time on himself and doesn’t even consider me.”? You treat the ones you love well, you buy them things and do things for them, and both men and women should do this. Yes, both men and women.
And I think that’s the problem: a few women who expect their men to spend, spend, spend and give, give, give, who never spend or give in return make the rest of us women who want a relationship full of give and take seem like we’re gold diggers.
Well we North American-based women who are turning down Nigerian men are not doing so because the man is not rich enough. Here are some reasons I would wave goodbye; let me know if you agree or not:
- A guy who declares his love before meeting me face to face
- Someone here on a student’s visa who leaves school before they have completed it and are now working [one of TMIND is in this category]
- You are living/working here illegally
- I can tell that his ideas of male and female roles are different from mine, and it’s my prerogative to seek someone who has a similar idea of that (just as he has the same prerogative)
- He doesn’t have any ambition. I am not the most ambitious person myself but I plan to be comfortable. This means I will work hard and be good with my money. I’d like to have a car that works and a home. I don’t need a Benz or a mansion, but I wouldn’t mind a car that’s less than 5 years old and a house with more than one bathroom, you know?
Conclusion: most Nigerian women aren’t looking for a man to become her sugar daddy while she sits at home doing nothing. Nigerian women are hardworking and not all of us want to be so rich and only wear designer clothes (we may fantasize, sha). Some of us couldn’t care less if we ever had a designer piece of clothing in our closets. But we do want to be comfortable, and are willing to do our part to ensure that lifestyle. We want a man who has dreams and goals (his goals don’t have to be about being a millionaire!) and who is willing to work toward them.
That is not too much to ask.