On going home to find Mr. Right

Update on the facebook guy: We spoke on the phone, he asked me what my genotype was and said that since he’s AS he absolutely cannot marry an AS (I don’t know my genotype yet). I asked his age; he’s 39 (I’m almost 31) so that was a turn off for me. I gave him temporary access to my facebook page so that he could see pictures of me and after that we spoke and he said he liked the pictures (though I bet he thought I was too fat!). We stopped talking after that conversation; I don’t think there was enough interest on either side to get to know each other better.

When I was a guest host on Verastically Speakin’ (topic: women who are single and in their 30s), a caller asked if the women guest hosting would consider going home to find a husband.

I answered yes, because you can find good Nigerian men everywhere in the world and you’d expect there to be a higher concentration in Nigeria! Some people are concerned that I’ll fall into the hands of a guy who’ll know how to say all the right things in order to find his way here, only to dump me for a slimmer and younger model once he gets his papers sorted. It’s unfortunate that people have to worry about being duped in this way but that’s the reality for many who are so desperate to leave Nigeria that they don’t see marrying for papers (without informing the person they are marrying) as wrong.

Since I don’t see myself planning a trip to Nigeria to hunt for a man (ask me again in five years!), the way I can see this happening is a long distance “getting to know each other” which leads to a relationship. So what would happen is a person who has been vetted by a trusted friend or family member would be introduced to me online or by phone. Then, as we talk, I’d be observant and make sure everything he says adds up, and I wouldn’t be afraid to call him out if he’s not making sense. I’d ask him tough questions, and risk offending him by asking outright if he’s talking to me for papers (though he probably wouldn’t say yes even if that was the case!). Then I’d apologize if he’s offended by my question. (Speaking from experience!)

After that, we’d make plans to meet (likely in Nigeria) and based on how that meeting goes we’ll decide if we’ll be an official couple, which will mean that one of us will need to find a way to spend longer than a week or two in the same country as the other. I could see myself taking a few months off from work (without pay) to really get to know the person if things are going well.

And then, if all goes well, cue the introduction and/or engagement in Nigeria, followed by the White Wedding in Canada. Done and done.

If you live outside of Nigeria, would you consider going home to find a significant other? Why or why not?

7 thoughts on “On going home to find Mr. Right

  1. I’m not Nigerian but I honestly consider it every so often when the dating pool over here (australia) looks lackluster to say the least. Not to say that at home there will be better chances but I assume that the important criteria like similar background and values would be easier to find in your home country than outside of it.

    Re: the genotype question, I was asked that too by a Nigerian man and the first time in my life. It caught me off guard a)because I had never been asked b)I didn’t know why it mattered. Now I know why I was asked it makes me feel some kind of way.

  2. Okay, I don’t know whether I am allowed to comment on this topic since I am a married woman, but I will comment nonetheless…lol…I believe in finding Mr. Right first before making such a big commitment to move home….And not just finding Mr. Right but being sure that he is “actually” Mr. Right “for you”…I was just having this conversation with one of my friends, and we were talking about how many Nigerian men act differently when they are home than when they are here in the States…There are so many things they are able to get away with in Nigeria that they can’t get away with here…So I really agree with you, GNG, that you need to spend time talking and getting to know the man’s mentality and values and making sure that they are aligned with yours before making such a commitment…And yes, ask him the hard questions because that is the only way you will get to know him….No sugar coating please:)

  3. SOme men are good actors, i think going through trusted mediators who can vouch for the guy is better than plunging in by yourself! The whole marriage thing takes you through some very murky waters moreso if you dont know the guy from Adam! Methinks that only God sees the true heart behind every person and he is the only one who can determine true motives. Wishing you the best in your search for true lasting love!

  4. Nope! I dont want to go home to find a husband and I hope I dont have to. Two reasons: distance and different mentalities. I just know that a guy that has never left Naija and I would not click: I am not a virgin, I like to go out, I do not think homosexuals are going to hell etc etc. Meanwhile, I started doing the online dating thing too. My frustrations: 1) how some guys say they desire every ethnicity except for black…i found that sad. 2) older guys who have apparently decided to ignore my age criteria as well.
    Would you date a man who has some baggage e.g divorcee, single father?

  5. I would consider it but only because i grew up in Nigeria,so the mentality won’t be a problem for me.
    And also the people i would consider are people i know through trusted friends and relatives.
    and Lastly 90% of the Naija men here in Canada really got it twisted!

    @ mpb I know many people who have never left Nigeria that are not Virgins, like to go out, do not think homosexuals are going to hell etc etc. :)

  6. Hi I visited your blog when I realized someone from it visited my blog. Well Im a Nigerian man (late 20s), and i just want you to kno wthat not all Nigerian men are deceitful i.e. are ‘Citizen papers’ mongers. i have been in the US for bout 8yrs, and have refused to marry for papers till i find true. Anyways, i wanted to share this poem that i did on Nigeria with you. also share it with your group if you find it interesting. Let me know what you think: http://rewordblog.com/2010/09/01/nigeria-my-fathe
    Thanks. Sincerely, A cultured and responsible Nigerian Man…LOL

  7. I wouldnt go back home to look because as an American my mentality may be different. I rather meet a Nigerian abroad then go home than the other way around. They don’t have to be a Western citizen but I would appreciate if they could understand where Im coming from – even though it may not be my heritage…

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