On my lack of a relationship history

Some of you probably know that I have very little experience being in a relationship. I have been perpetually single for most of my life: through high school and university, I did not have a boyfriend, and certainly not before then. There were guys that I had intense crushes on but these never resulted in relationships. I’ll always have my men I never dated, of course, but as you can imagine, those never resulted in relationships. Ten years ago, I went on weekly dates with a guy for almost three months, but we did not define our relationship before it fizzled. In 2010, I actually went on a few dates with guys I met on online, but those didn’t go past one or two dates.

When I share my dating history with new friends there’s usually surprise that I have not had a boyfriend because for most people, having a significant other for whatever length of time is rite of passage. Even if the guy was a slacker who left you for your best friend, or an incredibly romantic guy you broke up with because he wanted to get married and you weren’t ready, even if you kept making the same mistake and had a string of boyfriends who were party boys, 419ers who could buy you anything you wanted, or non-believers, my response was always “at least you’ve had boyfriends!”

Whenever I would blog that I was sick of my single state and longed to have a boyfriend, one of my friends would comment that she knew exactly how I felt. I told her that I resented her comments because she’s about five years younger than me, which I felt did not give her a right to complain and worse, she did not lack for dates or men who wanted to be her boyfriend. She had quite a number of first date stories (most of them bad sha) but still: I felt like she was the lucky one because being asked on dates meant she was at least attracting men while I was starting to wonder if the male sex was unable to see me. And even if several of her boyfriends were jerks, well at least she had boyfriends, right?

Well today I’d say wrong. Quality really is better than quantity, and I thank God that in my desire to be someone’s girlfriend, I haven’t entered unhealthy relationships. I am grateful that my heart has not been banged around as much as the average 31.5 year old’s. I have been hurt deeply in matters of the heart but I’m starting to see there might be a reason that God did not make boyfriends a part of my life during those years I dearly wanted one. Maybe He knew that given my tendency to feel things deeply, a breakup could leave me unable to fully recover. Maybe He wanted me to learn to have faith in Him, to give my heart’s desires to Him in prayer (still learning!). Or maybe He wanted me to be able to be a bridesmaid for all my friends rather than a matron of honour! All I know is that He’s given me the wisdom to be able to dispense relationship advice to friends despite not having had a boyfriend. And I don’t think that’s an accident.

In my single journey, I’ve alternated between “this is God’s way of telling me that I’m meant to be single for life” (trying to prepare for the single life) and “I’ve waited this long; God better have an amazing person in mind for me in the end!” (spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement). Now I can honestly say that God’s timing is best and I’m hopeful that I’ll be a Mrs. before the end of this new decade (lol).

Your turn: How many boyfriends have you had? What’s your current philosophy on having a boyfriend, fiancé or husband?

14 thoughts on “On my lack of a relationship history

  1. I feel like I’m your polar opposite. I’m a compulsive must-have boyfriend girl, no matter what I do, I feel like I’m always the girl that gets guys in a relationship. Its fun but I think over time, its led to me needing a boyfriend which I kind of dislike. So I think as long as you’re able to live a healthy, independent life, it doesn’t matter if you’re single or with somebody.

    Rock on.
    Angie

    • Thanks for this…and I do apologize that it took me so long to get back to you.

      I think it’s important to be able to be single and really enjoy the time you’re single, so that is one thing I am happy that I have been able to experience. I think it was easy for me though because I was born loving my alone time, I think!

  2. GNG,
    Wow! i used to tink i had a problem (at least i have had pple me tell dat).
    I am 26plus and i have neva had a boyfriend (expect if u count a guy i got physical and realized early enuf that was all it was going to be and cut off afta a month).

    I am a beautiful lady with a double J cup chest wise, imagine dat with a 14 waist line ( i have over the years tot this was my problem). I can count the number of pple that have asked me out over the years , most of which i was smart enuf to decipher they wanted to get into my pants or bra in my case.

    I have cried to God and wondered really if there was something wrong me. O yeah i have had crushes but they neva know of course. U have had dates, i cant tink of any i have had.

    My mom has prayed, my grandmum had gone places (she back with the story of i have been covered with spiritual cloth, so men would not see me).

    Like u, i have given reasons that maybe God was keeping me for that special man (i have been Ridiculed by friends for staying a virgin till now, i was told cobweb would grow there,lol,i have crazy pple like that).

    When i read this, this morning i realized something, he is keeping us for just that man he has created us from his rib. This year things have started differently. I am hopeful and assured it’s gonna happen dis year, how, when where i have no idea.

    Sorry for the long post. I simply understood where u re coming from and felt gud someone, somewhere understood my “challenges”.

    • Hi TDB and sorry for the delay in responding to you!

      From the examples you’ve shared I commend you for your decision to hold out for a quality relationship rather than something physical (and likely fleeting). I can definitely relate to your struggles and to wondering if there was something wrong with you. I hope you now know that there isn’t something wrong with you; it’s just the way that things have been. I think we are partly responsible at times for not going on dates though, because we get so comfortable waiting that we forget that there’s nothing wrong with trying to reach out. Or we wonder why we have to do anything special to meet a guy when lagbaja is getting guys coming to her from all sides. Responding to you actually triggered this entry so please feel free to check it out.

      I hope when you see this or get the email I’ll be sending to you, that you’ll have great news to share.

  3. Yup, I agree with you! I think everything happens for a reason! And I pray that GOD makes you a Mrs. sooner then you know it!

    As for me, I’ve had two boyfriends…and I must say that relationships come with baggage, drama, and the works!

    Currently, I don’t believe in causal dating. I believe that every woman was created for one man and until he finds her, she should wait on God and prepare herself for him/marriage. I’ve gotten a lot of “toasters” lately and if I wanted to, I could go on a dating spree…but I desire to get married very soon, so I rather wait and save myself time and the heartache.

    That’s me!

  4. if it makes you feel better, i had my first girlfriend at 27. all the girls i liked from kindergarten to university always preferred me as their best friends who they would tell stories of the other guys they liked.

    then at 27, one girl finally liked me enough to actually approach me, and i took the hint and asked her out. it lasted 3 months. then i fell in love with her friend who was trying to console me, and it lasted almost 2 years, albiet we broke up/made up more times than i can remember and everyone including our selves knew we were supposed to be friends not lovers.

    but at 29, i have found the love of my life who is everything i dreamt of and we are getting married this year december. so, sometimes, the absence is just an indication of the perfection ahead.

  5. I also have been perputually single for most of my life and I am 30. It was a delibrate choice, in my early twenties i felt the timing was not right. Infact i had so many toasters and guy friends i found it overwhelming.

    Over the years, I have grown in my relationship with God, discovered my purpose and i learned so much about marriage, I probably know more than most married couples about what it takes. At 27, i came very close to being in a serious relationship. Thankfully I ended the relationship after about 2 months, God revealed all his secrets to me , he was so keen on marrying me,however he had the shadiest character. This is why it important to pray and seek God. I am very happy single. I now sense it is time to settle down and i trust God will give me my heart desire. Quality is better than quantity. God’s timing is the best. In hindsight if i had gotten married earlier, i would have been ill prepared and not fulfilled.

  6. First of all GNG, I want to let you know that you are one of my favourite bloggers and that I admire your candour. And at the risk of sounding cheesy, your great personality oozes from your posts and the comments you leave on other bloggers’ post.

    Now to the questions you asked: I have never had a boyfriend and would be 23 this year. And I have oscillated (still do)between the two thoughts you have had; sometimes I tell myself quality is better than a quantity, and at other times I wish any guy would just ask me out.
    Regardless, I would not date someone that I cant picture being married to.

  7. Yes, quality is indeed better than quantity.

    I really felt like you were describing me in this post,
    I also haven’t had a boyfriend at all…n I cannot even say I have dated. I tend to take relationship issues very seriously, I don’t believe in casual dating n if I do not see a future with a guy, I just keep it on the friendship level.

    You know, u are so right……He really uses the ‘foolish’ things to confound the wise. I also give rel advice to my friends even tho I av never been in one, my blog reps that (http://fountainflows-omoregee.blogspot.com)

    I long to start one, but I wouldn’t just to av the stats….In my case, I tell myself God has had me hold out becos of some things He wants me to learn n if He had brought ‘him’ my way, I may have messed things up.
    I also wonder sometimes if I am actually meant to marry cos it seems the guys I like n wanna be starting sometin with are hooked :)

    I console myself knowing that He makes all things beautiful in his time, n I will njoy where I am now (single) on the way to where I am going……….

    I really love this post, it is heartfelt n very real…thanks for sharing :)

    …..first time here……

  8. OMG THIS IS ME THIS WHOLE LETTER WRITTEN. I SAY THE SAME THING MAYBE ITS GOD TELLING ME TO SETTLED DOWN YOUNG LAD ONE DAY I WILL GET MY KING, BUT FOR NOW I MUST RELAX AND GIVE PEOPLE RELATIONSHIP WHEN THEY NEED IT. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT THAT IS THAT I NEVER BEEN IN THIS HEART BREAKING RELATIONSHIP OR BEEN VERBAL ABUSED, OR BEATEN AND THE FAMOUS CHEATED ON. PEOPLE ALWAYSSS SEEM TO COME TO ME FOR ADVICE AND THEY ASK ME HOW I KNOW SO MUCH AND I HAVEN’T BEEN IN ANY OF THIS SITUATION. I TELL THEM I JUST KNOW FROM MY FRIENDS EXPERIENCE AND ME HELPING GET THROUGH THEIR TRAILS AND TRIBULATION. I AM THE TYPE OF GIRL THAT NEVER GETS A MAN I MEAN NEVER. I USED TO SAY TO MYSELF AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE OR MAYBE I’M JUST TOOO FAT ONE OR THE TWO. I MEAN MY HEART IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE I JUST WANTED TO LOVED AND HELD CLOSE. MY MOM HAD THREE GIRLS INCLUDING MYSELF AND OUT OF ALL OF US MY TWO SISTERS ALWAYS HADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD A MAN NEVER WAS LONELY ON V-DAY ALWAYS HAD A GUY COMING UP TO THEM AND TRYING TO TALK TO THEM THIS SITUATION ALSO HAPPENS WITH MY FRIENDS AS WELL NO GUY SEEMS TO WANT TO TALK TO ME BUT I GET OVER IT OVER AND OVER AND TELL MYSELF ONE DAY THAT CERTAIN MAN WILL COME AROUND AND CAPTURE MY ATTENTION IS JUST THAT GOD SAYS ITS NOT MY TIME ITS JUST NOT MY TIME AND I CAN TOTALLY RESPECT FOR THAT BECAUSE HE’S HAVING MY BACK HIS THE OLDER BROTHER THAT I NEVER HAD. I MEAN ITS MARCH 17, 2011 I’M 23 AND STILL SINGLE. I MEAN I MINGLED AND DID THINGS THROUGHOUT MY LIFE TIME BUT NEVER HAVE I ONCE HAVE A BOYFRIEND THAT I CALLED MY OWN. LADIES IF YOUR IN MY BOAT THINGS WILL COME YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT IT OUT AND DONT GOOOO HUNTING FOR THEM IT NEVER WORKS OUT THAT WAY AND IT MEANS YOUR RUSHING IT AND THATS NOT WHERE YOUR HEART BELONG. TRUST ME WHEN YOU SEE THAT CERTAIN PERSON YOU LOVE YOUR HEART SHALL TAKE YOU THERE ABOVE AND BEYOND. SO RIGHT NOW DONT BE MISERABLE OR SALTY WHEN YOU SEE AND COUPLE JUST BE HAPPY AND SMILE AND TAKE IT EASY FOR NOW. LOVE SEDUCTIVE TALK WITH SWEETS

  9. Is this blog only for single ladies like the title says or can we married stop by some time, seeing we like the blog? *smile*

    I married my first ‘boyfriend’ but not after our first relationship. We broke up and came back together after 5 years. I had one serious relationship in-between (painful break-up). Most times I wished my husband and I had just married the first time but I also feel like we learnt a lot during the separation. I believe God makes everything beautiful in His time.

    “What’s your current philosophy on having a boyfriend, fiancé or husband?”

    Ha, I don’t know! I don’t believe there’s one answer on how it should be but I certainly don’t believe in quantity if you can avoid it! I’m not a fan of multiple boyfriends because of the emotional baggage they could leave. But then, rather a broken relationship/courtship than a broken marriage. I wouldn’t advise marrying an “obviously” wrong person just because…

  10. Amen to your last line. You will meet an amazing guy.

    I feel like you just summarized my life. I think the reason I am still single is because God wants me to deepen my relationship with him and discover my purpose before I can be in a relationship with a guy. I have a tendency to give my all and be the best I can be to people and often forget myself and I think if I met a guy and decided to marry one or be with one earlier, I’d spend a lot of time later wondering who I was. I recently decided not to be frustrated and just leave it to God. It’s in his hands and every time the sometimes nauseating sound of the ticking biological clock pops in my head, I’m reminded of people before me that faced similar challenges, who ended up living the life they only dreamed about. It will happen for you. Just wait and see!

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