I feel you about your bro. but pls don’t be too harsh on him. That he doesn’t feel you about sending home doesn’t mean he is not generous. The Haiti disaster or even the Wino down the street maybe more real to him than some healthy relatives back in Nigeria who expect dough from him just because.

I had an argument with my Mom about giving awhile back. When I mentioned helping out a security man at work and sha said, ‘you find it easier sparing money for some stranger than your blood’. I reminded her that she lives in the east. I live all alone in Lagos. That security man, I see everyday. He is the one who sees me dragging my feet on my to/fro work and says ‘Aunty, wetin happen, you re not your smiling self today, you no well? He probably knows I am not well before you my parents.

Anywayz, keep praying. Thats the cheapest and best gift. Love your blog!

I agree fully with your last paragraph. Thanks for sharing.

►toyin

Hmm, that's a good point about the ones in the most dire need not being the ones who speak up the most. I agree too, and sometimes we really do need a spirit of discernment to figure out who truly needs our help and who is just being a little lazy or trying to take advantage.

Thanks for your comment. I echo your prayer!

One theory my Dad has is that people who really need stuff, who really really need stuff are not the ones who do the asking, they are usually quiet and suffering in silence.

My prayer is to be able to see them. As a result, I usually do not honor 'begging' requests but look out for the needy family or not!

The key is giving as you are led to do and if u decide to give do it cheerfully without complaint for God loves a cheerful giver even if at the end of the day the people u help do not appreciate it~

Like you, I don't have a problem saying no, and when you think about it, it's your money or belongings to give or not give, and you will sometimes have to make decisons that won't meet with the approval of those hoping to benefit from your generosity.

Sometimes you do see or hear about a cause that you just can't stop yourself from giving to.

►rethots

My problem with my brother's statement is he doesn't have the heart of wanting to help out someone who seems to genuinely need the help. This isn't a case where he is being made to suffer as a result of my parents' decisions with their money; it's just he can hear a story of an unfortunate happening and say "well, they should figure it out" without feeling any sympathy or a desire to do something to help.

I think there's a natural inclination on the part of those who are able to want to help out others who are struggling a bit. Maybe this "supporting" gives some a bit of a "God" complex, where they feel as if their entire extended family network would collapse without them but I daresay it is the minority who thinks this way. No one thinks they're that crucial to another's existence, do they? Life would go on without the "benefactor".

I like your closing. We have to be discerning and exercise some common sense when deciding who and what we support.

►Omosi T

I wasn't trying to say that only people abroad dealt with this, but I was naturally writing from my own point of view.

I can totally see why you've made the decision to manage the dispensing of your money differently from your parents in the future (and to be honest I don't think you're being cold at all!). I know I will too, though there are other factors that pretty much guarantee that things will be different. I think our parents teach us by both showing us how to do things and how not to do things.

And guess what? I think I thought you were an only child!

As for my siblings and I, well no demands are made on us because our people do not really know us. And those that do think we are too oyibo, besides we are students so there you go.

I fully expect to support some relatives when I start making my own money but I won't be as generous as my parents. Basically if we do not share the same grandmother, I have no time for you. Cold? Yup, but very necessary.

'tis high-time, we stopped this idea of "…supporting family back home" as if without 'family' not in the same locale (oops, abroad) they (family back home) will cease to exist.

Once we lend support (by any means) to a not very pleasant habit, then, that habit breeds and flourishes as if it is a right.

That being said, I believe in helping people who genuinely need my help and saying "No" when i need to. I may feel guilty at the time but I know it's something that had to be done.

Regardless of whether you are abroad or not, there are relatives here who feel that we have it made and would waste no time in asking for 'help' again and again. I had to turn an auntie away just last week.

For Christmas, she asked for a phone which I bought and sent to her and just a few days ago she called again asking for money to pay for something and i just had to tell her no. Is she suffering? Not in my opinion. She just feels that I have a lot more to spare.

Still there are others who do not have food to eat and they aren't even relatives. For these ones, I often go the extra mile.

Now I have taken up your entirespace!

From what I know of you, I am sure that you are a very reasonable person, missy!

Yup, I do believe that generosity or stinginess is a trait that is maintained no matter how big or small your pockets are.

I am hurt on my parents' behalf. Like I said, I personally do not feel like I have done much, certainly not as much as I would like to do, but my parents are another matter.

►kay9

You bring up a good point. I was sharing my experiences here, and you have added to that idea that as the eldest, in our culture, you are expected to help out your parents and younger ones. I was going to touch on that idea in a subsquent entry but I really like the point you made.

What you are saying is what my father has said to me. I am too sensitive to people's requests. Like you, my parents take careful stock of what they have and what they can do without and help their family accordingly.

►Writefreak

No one said this only applied to those who live abroad o! Naturally I write from my own experience.

It sounds like your solution to the matter is working for you and hubby and I pray that God continues to bless you so that you continue to pass on those blessings.

►Harry

Your first line is really key. I started the entry with the disclaimer because the topic was brought up to get people talking about it from their own vantage point. Like you said, you are not wearing the shoes of those abroad, and those abroad are either no longer wearing the shoes of someone in Nigeria, or they never did (in the case of those born abroad). It is possible that neither side has a good understanding of the other's true story, and I think that's why it's great to talk about it.

I agree with what you said regarding the fact that people should not help unless their heart is really there. I think where the trouble comes up is when someone really does try to help as much as they can, and their efforts are criticized as not being frequent enough or large enough in scale.

►KG

I like the point about how one's personal feelings might influence how generous they are. I was thinking about supporting family under conditions where you have love and have a desire to see your family members prosper and lead happy lives as much as possible when I wrote this.

It's interesting the idea of closeness you bring up, it can be physical closeness or emotional closeness that leads you to be generous. I think living away from my extended family most of my life has given me that emotional closeness despite not being physically close.

►Azazel

I know what you mean. I too was disappointed. Let us hope he grows out of it…he certainly got a tongue lashing from me!