On the pursuit of your heart’s desire

The approach of my 30th birthday has made me (even) more aware of the disparity between where I thought I’d be relationship-wise by 30 and where I actually am.

For anyone who is dealing with waiting for something they thought would be a piece of cake—admittance into a program of study, a job, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a wife or husband, a child, a promotion—all I can say is hang in there and keep hope alive. I think a lot of women especially may have heard or been told that they should hurry up and get hooked up before they reach the age of 30 because it all starts going downhill from there, where “it” means everything from looks to the ability to easily conceive and carry children as you really get into your 30s.

I read the book He’s Just Not That Into You recently (a fun book that tells you all the stuff you already know but don’t mind hearing again because a reminder is always good). For example, if a guy isn’t asking you out, calling (or emailing you as the case may be, *ahem*) or wanting to sleep with you (even if you have vowed celibacy, he better be having a hard time not jumping your bones!), he’s just not that into you. Sure, he may be sort of into you, and think you’re a great girl but if he’s content not defining things with you, the guy is not into you jare: move on to someone who will be into you! Anyway, near the end of the book, the female author talks about how there aren’t enough good men out there, that statistics are not very encouraging to the average woman (especially in her 30s) looking for a good man who won’t do any of the things that the book has spent one hundred or so pages pointing out as wrong. I love the response of the male author:

Being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that, yes, my true belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honour the person you are, is worse.

The statistics are bleak. But don’t use statistics to keep you down or keep your frightened. You can’t do anything with these statistics except scare yourself and your girlfriends. So I say, “Fuck statistics.” It’s your life—how dare you not have faith in it!

I love that bit I bolded (the book cursed sha, not me) because it’s so true: this is your life we’re talking about, how dare you not believe in it and do what you can to give your life the outcome you seek. How dare you decide it’s not important enough to pray about, to insist on! Needless to say, I have heard and I am convinced. Nothing is going to get me down (for long) about my situation. I believe.

42 thoughts on “On the pursuit of your heart’s desire

  1. Yes boss, lady. It's your life ! Do not be a statistic. This actually does it for me. This phrase has been in my head, but the words were not properly formed.

    You don;t know how much this means to me. thank you so much…

  2. I can shout that quote a million times; “Fuck statistics.” It’s your life—how dare you not have faith in it!

    Hope you are good?

  3. “It’s your life, how dare you not have faith in it! “ Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. As Yoruba’s would say: ma lo ago a lago sise. Don’t use someone else’s clock to time yourself.

    Great post GNG. Very encouraging and TRUE! I’ve flipped through that book and it’s a must read for women. Because girl, you and I know that not all women that know those things oh!

  4. I can shout those words over and over again; It’s your life—how dare you not have faith in it!

    When things dont happen when we expected them too, it can really be hard & painful. But we have to hang in there & keep living.

  5. i am going to look for this book.. yea you are right people really say that "hurry up and get hooked up before you hit 30".. i have a strong faith in my life. Nice posy

  6. i am going to look for that book.. yea you are right people really say that “hurry up and get hooked up before you hit 30″.. i have a strong faith in my life. Nice post

  7. Its your life, how dare you not have faith in it.. True words………

    My mum had a best friend from school who got married at 32 to a 39 year old dude.. So the big 30 is not the be-all end all…..

  8. Yes o..it really is your life and who would want to be a statistic anyway??

    There really is no time limit as far as God is concenrened and you are right it is better to wait a bit longer for the one than to rush and settle for less and then 5 years down the line regretting it

  9. Lol, I love that bit. Hmm, this book is sounding kindda interesting. So it has 2 authors or what?

  10. @ JustDB, I have heard of even older than 50…

    GNG…My dear, their lost…your gain, if they decide to pass a precious diamond because "He's just not that into you…"

    It just goes to say, he does not really know what he wants that is why he has to go on a testing spree to get it…

    Just read an article about a guy who wanted to get married but did not want kids, what's the deal with that?

    You will be 30…You will be not part of their statistic…and when you finally meet him, you will be glad you waited. We will definitely be reading about it…

    God bless

  11. "ma fi ago a lago sise." I love this and love your post. Society has been doing its part to make 30+ people feel like there is something wrong with them…the devil is a liar!!

    “It’s your life, how dare you not have faith in it! “ Here!! Here!!

  12. This quote: Being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that, yes, my true belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honour the person you are, is worse….

    Is perfect. I have a friend who is dating a guy, has been for 8 months I think…and he's just not sure he's into her, commitment issues, yada yada…yet she's still hanging on…giving him time. And he's honest to her about this.

    It kills me…he doesn't KNOW if he LIKES you that much, enough to be together. For now or for always. Wants to keep his options open. Guh.

    I always think to myself when I hear these dating sotries…if your future kids asked you…tell us about how you and dad met, your dating story etc….would it be a story you'd want to or be proud to share?

  13. This post couldnt have come at a better time.i just went thru two weeks of feeling really crappy and not wanted…..so a big thank you!

  14. Love that book, I even have the 250pg 'Our Daily Bread' style companion! I'd also recommend "It's called a break up because it's broken" by the same two authors!

    So, when's the birthday? Can we all come and eat jollof?? lol!

  15. I agree! I believe in myself. I'm just a little bit scared that I'm way to ambitious but who cares! I'll achieve at least "some" of the stuff I want to!

    x!

  16. I think of it this way…..if you were with someone what would you like your life to look like? Would you be travelling with him? Building a home? taking on the world with him by your side?

    Whatever it is, do it! He'll find you in due time. Don't stop living just because he's not in the picture.

    Greg behrendt is the author of that book and he's a pretty funny comedian. I saw him at a show 2 weeks ago and one noteable line he had was, "That special someone wants to see you doing great things and being fabulous and ruining your fantastic life with their love" he said it with a lot more cursing and lot funnier than I just did but the point remains….live life to the fullest.

  17. I also saw the movie…loads of chics need to either read the book or watch the movie!

    Norrin do u jare! believe and keep doing wat u r doing jo!

  18. I think of it this way…..if you were with someone what would you like your life to be? Would you be travelling with him? Building a home? taking on the world with him by your side?

    Whatever it is, do it! He'll find you in due time. Don't stop living just because he's not in the picture.

    If you find that perfect person for you, would he like how you're living?

    Greg behrendt is the author of that book and he's a pretty funny comedian. I saw him at a show 2 weeks ago and one noteable line he had was, "That special someone wants to see you doing great things and being fabulous so they can ruin your fantastic life with their love" He said it with a lot more cursing and lot funnier than I just did but the point remains….live life to the fullest.

  19. The time is soon…be on guard! You're beautiful inside and out and that perfect someone God is molding for you is really almost ready…are you?

  20. True words. Life doesn't end at 30, life ends when you want it to end. In this day and age, age ain't nuthin but a number

  21. I must be the only one on earth who hasn't read the book. I was first like 'oh no! Gng used thr F-word' lol, then I saw u didn't.

    True though, its YOUR own statistics that count whether u're 20, 30 or even 50 sef.

  22. â–ºplastiQ

    I'm so glad it helped…thank you for the comment. We are not statistics!

    â–ºO'Dee

    I am good, thank you! And that quote is really empowering, isn't it?

    I hope that you and Rabbi are good!

    â–ºbacktonaija

    I hadn't heard that addage before and it makes perfect sense.

    lol it's true that sadly there are women who don't know some of the more obvious truths in the book. All we can do is pray for them…and loan them the book if we can.

    â–ºBSNC

    Yes, please look for the book. I think it'll be easy to find because the movie came out recently.

    I love that you have faith in your life: don't lose it!

    â–ºJustDB

    It's true, but I guess the big 3-0 is a milestone and as a result has the effect of having a lot tied to it.

    â–ºButtercup

    Thanks darl! I appreciate it.

    â–ºConfessions in Scarlet

    Can you imagine how horrible that would be to rush and regret your decision? This lady plans to marry once and marry for life, God willing! But of course, sometimes you get sick of waiting, and wonder if you've missed the chance but hope and faith are key.

    â–ºOya

    I think I need to loan you the book (even though I'm borrowing it). Yes, the book has two authors.

    â–ºaloted

    Amen! His time…I prayed for him to reveal it all to him in his time (while hoping that it'll be sooner rather than later!).

    â–ºKémi Penélopê

    We all have our fingers crossed that we won't have to wait until 50 though…right?

    Thank you so much for the encouraging words! Amen and amen to your comments.

    â–ºRepressed One

    Thank you for your comment. And yes o: that devil is a liar. *clinks glasses with you*

    â–ºShannon

    Has your friend read the book? Maybe she needs to be hinted at broadly!

    I love your little litmus test for whether your relationship is a good one: I know I will have a story that I'll be more than just proud to share! Thanks for commenting!

  23. â–ºAdeola

    I'm glad that the post helped, and I hope this week is better. Don't lose hope: you're not crappy and you are wanted: the right person will want you so much it'll hurt.

    â–ºLoloBloggs

    Oh! I'd check out the second book if I had a boyfriend whose breakup I could analyze…hmmm.

    Birthday is in June…I'll send you either the invite or the jollof. lol

    â–ºBob-ij

    There is no such thing as too ambitious! And you're exactly right: it's like that saying that tells you to reach for the moon because if you fail you'll still end up among the stars.

    Have a super week!

    â–ºNenna

    Brilliant! I agree wholeheartedly with the "Don't stop living just because he's not in the picture." bit.

    I had no idea that Behrendt was a comedian, though thinking back to the way the book is written, perhaps I should have known. I wonder if he ever comes to Canada…

    â–ºToluwa

    Thank dia!

    â–ºschic

    Awww, thank you for your loving words!

    Oooh, I'm excited! I better get ready!

    â–ºNaijababe

    Thanks girl!

    â–ºBibi

    It's all true! Here's hoping that things happen sooner than later though (I won't lie).

    â–ºbumight

    You're in pretty company with people who haven't read the book. Let's just forget the age 50 was mentioned, shall we? I am not that patient!

  24. Amen on keeping the hope alive!

    "He's Just Not That Into You" is one of my fav books. So much truth! I think the movie was not have as good as the book…infact the movie sucked imho!

    As for love…it will come at the right time.

    Just keep yourself open…

  25. GNG i am so loving this blog! :)

    So when is your b.day?

    I know what u mean about folks indicating u marry before 30. Let everything go up hill, down hill, side hill- i dont care. I aint gonna be desperate and settle. I really want kids but there are folks who married early and are now over 30 and still dont have kids. God's time is the best. The older one is before marrying- the wiser one is in choosing- i hope. :)

  26. This is a beautiful, inspiring, encouraging, uplifting and heart-touching post. Just to let you know it brought tears of joy to my eyes. It is well with you.

  27. Oh dear, I enjoyed reading your post.

    I really fell you…………Torn between facing facts, believing in yourself, in your dreams….., trying to keep faith that there would be a silver lining up the sky somewhere FOR ME, and then listening to people's comments ( mostly out of their concern for you) about what you should do, how you should think, and no matter how u wanna ignore/curse statistics…………you really know what realities face you.

    and waiting is not funny ( no matter how we all try to console you )

    In all this , what can we say………….'the righteous will live by faith!

    I love the part………'its your life, how dare you not have faith in it!'

    GNG, it's your life, its going to be a beautiful one, we will all send you our best wishes for your wedding, here on this blog………..very soon.

    Go girl!

  28. I really enjoyed this post, like everyone else I can see :-)

    So happy to see you have full faith in yourself, your worth and your life. Good things come to those who wait and that is the truth no matter what statistics say!Waiting just means you get more and more wiser and more guaranteed to not make any mistakes. I've always thought that things happen when you least expect it too. Wishing you the very best.

  29. Men as embarrassing as the next line is going to be, I still must say it to convey my point…so i was watching tyra yesterday and she had this transgendered person who had just completed her surgery and on the show, she had a straight boyfriend who then proposed to her.( all the other transgendered people also were in exclusive relationships)

    Now i wonder that if there are lack of men and the few ones that are available are busy chasing these half men half women. what happens to the numerous straight girls……

    I suggest more women should become lesbians so the number evens out. I hope i made sense.

  30. Wow…all I can say is wait on God's Best and His promise to you. When He brings you your male, you do want him to be whole and complete…not half done, you get me. Wait on His Best!

  31. I dont recommend people to wait on one another for relationship…..cos of the side effects and end results.

    I concur with the male author; I have met with people who stay in messed up relationships all becase they cant afford to stay alone….what?

    I watched an episode of HOUSE MD where a patient decided to donate her organ to her friend even though the partner was planning on breaking up with her. She believes the partner will be indebted to her and wont break up with her.

  32. Enjoyed the post….. don't rely on statistics to run your life. Seriously most of the statistics churned out, no matter what issue, are always negative and help breed fear all the time.

    So what is the point even checking in on those…

    I believe there is a man for every woman and a woman for every man….nuff said

  33. â–ºnigeriandramaqueen

    Thanks girl!

    Hmm, I'll wait and rent the movie then.

    And yes, I've got so much to work on in the meantime so I'll focus on that and let the part I can't control take care of itself.

    â–ºTigeress

    Thanks girl! My bday is in June…it's really coming up a bit faster than I thought it would!

    You talk true with your refusal to settle. We will not have to even think of settling in Jesus' name!

    â–ºjabez

    *high five* girl!

    â–ºRita

    Thank you very much…I appreciate your comment. I have shed my tears through the course of the journey…it is well.

    â–ºolufunke

    Thank you for your comment. I know you get me 100% on this matter so that makes me happy.

    Thank you for the encouragement, faith and belief. I appreciate it!

    â–ºAdaeze

    Thanks for the encouraging words! I know I'll falter and lose hope but I hope I remember to come here and re-read the comments of lovely blogvillians and remember to keep hope.

    â–ºfemi B

    lol I know you were trying to make a serious point but you do make me laugh! I haven't waited this long to enjoy the benefits of being a heterosexual female to start batting for the other team jare!

    I have decided to not believe that all the good men are gone. It may be harder to find the good ones but there are enough of them out there that we who seek them can find them. And we only need one good one.

    â–ºLady A

    Thanks for the advice! Waiting isn't easy but if I want the best out there, it's worth it. Thanks for stopping by!

    â–ºnaijagirl

    It's very sad when you see someone let the fear of being alone stop them from breaking free of an unhealthy relationship. Better to be alone and sad sometimes, than be with someone and be sad/depressed/abused most of the time.

    Ok, that episode of House is scary and illustrates your point beautifully: I stand by my declaration that nobody should want a person who doesn't want them. We will never have to beg, guilt or trick someone to staying with us in Jesus' name!

    â–ºJoicee

    Thanks for your encouraging words! I believe too…in fact I believe there is more than one person with whom we can each live our happy ever afters with…waiting is a pain though!

  34. Ok…not to sound mean or anything, but i have to say this. its cool that everyone is all positive an encouraging and all. I love that. But we cant deny the fact that statistics ARE important an they are TELLING. Case in point: I live in Newark, with one of the highest HIV/AIDS rate. STATISTICALLY, if I hook up with a guy here, I am 10x more likely to get the disease/virus than in most avg cities. So, if given a choice, which man would i choose to sleep with???…SIMPLE ANSWER. Obviously my choice will be BASED ON STATISTICS! Sooo….not to put a damper on things, but truth be told, it is WAAAAAY harder to cop a man after a woman exceeds 30. Its sad, unfair, and ridiculous, but its also true. I am not saying you should go and be all desperate, but sometimes we have to be HONEST. GNG at 30 has a much lower chance of finding a man to marry than GNG at 24…plain and simple. Take that however you want.

  35. â–ºH. Atse
    You’re not alone, but don’t give up!

    â–ºLovergirl
    Thank for your comment. I agree that statistically, my chances of finding a boyfriend/husband at the age of 30 are likely less than when I was 24 due to a number of things, such as the fact that guys my age might be looking for wives who are in the 24/25 range, or slightly older (but not as old as 30).

    The way I interpreted the excerpt from the book was that even though the stats say that I’ll have a harder time finding a husband, if a husband is what I truly want, I shouldn’t throw my hands up in despair and say “Well, the statistics say I can’t find a man so that is that” and do nothing about it. I might have to work harder than my 24 year old counterpart to get the desired result. Or, when I’m in a social gathering and I see guys my age, I shouldn’t say “Well, the statistics say that most of these guys will only be interested in girls who are 24/25 so I won’t bother being friendly or allow myself to be introduced to them.” Instead, though I am normally shy in such situations, I might have to make more of an effort. Or, I may have to ask friends and family members to introduce me to guys they know are looking for a girlfriend/wife, or try online dating instead of expecting things to happen “naturally”.

    In your example, I agree that the odds are higher that where you live, you’ll meet a guy who has HIV/AIDS, but that doesn’t mean that there is no chance of you meeting a guy who doesn’t have either disease. You may just have to look for a longer time than you would have to elsewhere.

    Statistics are helpful as they can let us know if we’ll have to do something extra or out of the ordinary to “beat the odds”. Human beings do things that are against the odds or the stats relating to our race, age, education level all the time.

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