On the visible and invisible components of The List

This poor blog has been neglected. The plan is for it to one day be a subsection of my main blog so that visitors to my blog who might be interested in GNG’s thoughts on the single life and (in my case) the journey to find a good Nigerian man, can explore it in one place.

I came across Bagucci’s post (does he still call himself that?) about four things he’s looking for in a woman. This post would be The List. He ends his post with a question to the reader inquiring if he’s asking for too much. Most respondents including me said we didn’t think he was asking for too much. However, some felt that he might have to seek this woman halfway across the world (something he was hoping to avoid) and I added that his modest list might actually be longer upon closer inspection.

I could be completely wrong but I know many of us have lists that are supposed to guide us, but we fail to add things that we’ve taken for granted to the list, these are the things that we’re automatically screening for when we meet someone. For example, a woman might have a list of what she wants in a guy (honest, ambitious, handsome, family-oriented, Christian, good sense of humour) but she may fail to include his nationality, assuming that everyone knows she’ll only date or marry a man of a certain nationality. Or it may be his personal style that she takes for granted because of course he’ll be trendy and can’t be her prince charming if he’s fond of wearing clothing that you see in certain music videos. Or what if the guy who meets every item on her list wears his hair longer or shorter than she expected, or prefers braids or dreads, or is bald, when she just assumed her guy would have a certain look? These might be trivial examples but I hope you see the point I’m trying to make.

In my own case I’ve realized that my list included some assumptions. In my case I assumed that the guy for me would be from a similar background (born and raised outside of Nigeria) so because of that I’d expect him to own a house (or 1/250 of it thanks to the mighty mortgage) and possibly a car. I expected him to have a career, and be more or less free of debt (aside from the house). But there are lots of guys my age who due to different choices they made in their life have a different reality. Maybe they went away for school so they have hefty student loans as a result. Maybe they are the main breadwinner in their family so they are still living at home or they are renting because they cannot buy a house. Again this might not be the best example but I hope you can see what I’m trying to say. In my own case I had to add these hidden items to my list in ink so it was visible, or decide they weren’t actually necessary as they wouldn’t be a predictor of a good relationship.

I also advised Bagucci to give women who have only two or three of the items on his list a fair chance. If he meets them and decides that he really needs more of the things on his list, fine, but what if he meets a lady who scores 2/4 on his list but she possesses three other qualities that he had never listed as important but he now sees how they can complement who he is and enrich their relationship?

Do you know what I mean?

7 thoughts on “On the visible and invisible components of The List

  1. LOL @ ‘does he still call himself Bagucci’? I guess I still do in some contexts…

    Valid points you make re: hidden atributes on the ‘list’ and being flexible. I recognise that in these matters judgement is always key, and one cannot reduce the decision to a mechanistic tick-boxing exercise; indeed up until recently I did try very hard to find a compromise in a certain situation, albeit unsuccessfully..

    • Oh I’m so late to comment on this…forgive me?

      I’m glad to hear that you’re working on it…every attempt should bring you closer to achieving your ultimate goal I think!

  2. I guess my experience has been the opposite. I’ve spent more times thinking about ethnicity, personality, style, hobbies, etc. because I’ve assumed that a good match would be Christian, honest, ambitious, etc. When people ask what I want, I don’t say honest because I seriously doubt they’d consider setting me up with someone who they know is dishonest. Yet they stare blankly when I give racial and height and age range preferences: things that they’d not necessarily be able to figure out on their own.

    • Hi Jenny…thanks for commenting. It sounds like you’re going about this the right way…no wonder you were such good help on my subsequent entry!

  3. I enjoyed reading your posts, this topic gets me everytime. I have a list but I’ve seen changes to it in a short period. I think basic principles still hold for me but I’m kinda lenient on 0.3% of it…

    awesome blog

    • I appreciate your visit and comment, Stella. lol leniency on 0.3% is still leniency I suppose! It’ll be interesting to see how your chosen person matches up with the list, won’t it? I hope you get everything you need in a life partner. xo

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