Shady men and their secret wives

I am somewhat harsh towards Nigerian men who live in Nigeria, particularly if they answer an ad that I have on an online dating site because I have specifically mentioned that I’m looking to meet someone that I can meet in person sooner rather than later. Other reasons I’d be leery of becoming emotionally attached to someone before meeting them is that you may end up with a conman who sees you as an easy ticket into a different country. Not all Nigerian or African men are like this, but some are. And it is not always easy to know the intentions of someone when you only speak online, or even on the phone. Or even if you meet them in person.

My sister once dated a guy from Ghana who was good looking, could carry on a good conversation and was left handed (lefties make me weak in the knees). The only problem with him was that he was always having to go to a city about 5 hours away almost every weekend, “to hang out with friends”. He would cancel events with my sister at the last minute or just not show up and explain that he had had to go out of town to that other city. Finally, my sister decided that she deserved something better than what she was getting from this man so while they were on a date she told him that she’d like to end things with him. He tried to convince her otherwise but once he realized her mind was made up, he told her that he had something to confess.

He was married, but it was a marriage of convenience, so that he could stay in the country. The way he told my sister wasn’t to rub it in her face; he said he felt bad that he hadn’t told her sooner.

I was shocked and so was my sister, but it also explained those constant trips to the other city (he was going to school in our city).

Why couldn’t he have finished this deal or whatever that he had with this other woman before courting another woman? Imagine if my sister had fallen for this guy, decided to become intimate and then gotten pregnant (God forbid and thank God that my sister is not like that). This man would not have been available to marry her and support the hypothetical child in any way but monetarily (if at all).

Sure, you can be wary of the men who live abroad, who might be toying with your heart for their own benefit, but there are men right in your face who might not be giving you the full gist of their situation, and a smart woman will be cautious as she gets to know the man. Sadly, just because the man professes to be a firm believer in God doesn’t mean that he’s not up to some questionable activities.

This leads to two questions:

  1. If you started dating a man and he told you that he had been married before for this reason (business arrangement to stay in the country, yada yada but was now divorced) would this affect how you feel about the guy?
  2. Would you consider entering into a marriage of convenience with a guy who seemed truly decent and if it was revealed that this is the only way he could stay in the country?

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8 thoughts on “Shady men and their secret wives

  1. Wow that's really crazy. The guy I was dating, I found out just this weekend that he is actually married but it's "out of convenience"…I have decided to end it because, although it might not be a "real" marriage or one built on love and commitment, I simply cannot bear having to deal with all the drama. That being said, to answer your second question, no, I would never enter a marriage with the intent of making it a business arrangement. Although I would have considered it in the past, experience has taught me that it just isn't worth it….you might end up having a child for God's sake!

  2. This is crazy o! There is so much to watch out for in the dating world nowadays, no wonder the pool of eligible bachelors is getting smaller and smaller.
    I think “marriage of convenience” is something u should tell a potential gf/bf by your 2nd or 3rd date. Omitting the truth and lying is the same thing. I think it is only fair to allow people make decisions about if they want to continue before emotions get involved.

    This is tough because I know people who are in these types of marriages and they are perfectly good people that are just trying to help out a friend or trying to better their lives and that of their family. I personally don’t think I will do this. I want to marry for love 

  3. To both questions, i do think it will affect the relationship… somehow those things done in the past come back to hunt people. So it's a no-no area for me personally.

    Good your sister got herself out of the mess before it got worse. A friend of mine actually was once in a similar situation and it got to a point where the girl the guy did papers for started to hunt my friend talking bout her being husband snatcher, threatening to spread the gist around church and she was active at church too. The guy had to come out and tell my friend the truth that he had only helped her out and now she's trapping him down. The babe is currently expecting child so i guess she did trap him well well…

    Take care dear…

  4. Wow that is really twisted. If your sister had fallen for the guy hard, then she could have had her heart broken, all because he wants to eat his cake and have it (have a marriage of convenience and still date other people). I think that is really wrong. He should have been upfront about his situation, instead of "confessing" when she was breaking up with him. I personally won't encourage those type of convenience marriages because sometimes things get emotional and by that, I mean messy.

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