Talk show review

So, did you listen to Vera‘s blog talk show on Saturday? You know, the show about women in their 30s and older who are accomplished and single?

If you didn’t, you’re in luck: you can hear the show in its entirety here. It’s two hours long. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I almost can’t believe that it was two hours long because the time went by so fast. There were a lot of guest speakers (five) and we all had something to say. I have to admit I was happy that there was a guy, KC, on the panel because his point of view was that of male who had dated a woman in her 30s, but unfortunately I didn’t get to find out his insight on that particular matter, though he certainly challenged me with one of his questions. He asked if we (single women) would consider going to Nigeria to find a mate (for those of us wanting to marry a Nigerian). (The original question assumed that the guy would be willing to move abroad with you.) My answer was that if I could devote the time to living in Nigeria for a while (I think I said at least 6 months), I’d be all for it. I can’t imagine going to Nigeria for three or four weeks and coming back engaged or with a boyfriend (though funny enough it seems that’s what I was thinking of doing last year). While many guys would do it for love alone, some men sadly have ulterior motives. I’m already suspicious of Nigerian men who live in Nigeria specifically seeking Nigerian women who live abroad; I certainly would not want to find myself in a situation where I feel my biggest asset is my country of residence.

But honestly, I’d need to spend some serious time (months) in Nigeria and get to know the guy and his friends and family a bit better before committing to anything. And regular visits would have to be part of the plan. I have no intention of getting myself into a situation where I am seriously involved with a guy I barely know (and to be fair this could happen with any long distance relationship, not just Nigeria/North America ones), and have only seen a couple of times by the time we marry. You hear stories every day of people who date for years (presumably not long distance) and their marriage barely lasts because they discover they don’t know each other, or that they want different things. I really am not a fan of long distance relationships, but if we must be long distance, can we at least be on the same continent abeg?

So what did I learn? Well, if I am 30 and accomplished, and I’ve worked to get my finances, career and other aspects of my life in order, then I should be prepared and ready to put effort into finding a good match. Mr. Right won’t just walk into my life (despite my wishes): I will have to do my part in making it happen. I don’t leave other parts of my life up to chance: I had to go to an interview to get my job, I had to save money to be able to afford a home. So why would the quest for love be free of effort?

Also, a little instrospection is a good thing. It may be painful, but we should not be afraid to look inwards, at our lives, decisions and the way we’re doing things and see what we may need to change in order to get the results we want. It’s easier to blame others for our problems but before you start throwing blame, make sure there isn’t a single thing you could do to make the outcome better. And even when you know you have done all you can do, try not to play the blame game. A friend shared something from Maya Angelou with me recently:

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.

Hmm, I seem to have had a lot to say. Maybe we need to do part two of this show, Vera.

15 thoughts on “Talk show review

  1. AM listening to it right now. hehehe!!!

    yeah, no to long-distance relationships. it is agony. but then, you could never teach the heart to say no!!!! hhehehhe!!!

  2. I've mentioned this on one of your older posts, and I know it's not really my place, but I really don't get why you would limit yourself to a particular type of man.

    You've lived in Canada (right?) for years, I think. Why not try dating the men that are around you? I know you have your reasons, but sometimes I think as human beings we create problems for ourselves. You want to marry a Nigerian guy, but you don't live in Nigeria, so now you have to contemplate going back and staying there for a bit so you can find one, but then he could be insincere.

    Follow your heart, not your checklist. You never know.

  3. I am going to listen to the show later on.

    Sometimes i think Mr. right can just walk into your life, but most of the time we don't know or we can't tell, so they slip away right infront of us.

  4. Very interesting

    and very insightful comments you made here too

    I agree with you on

    'So what did I learn? Well, if I am 30 and accomplished, and I’ve worked to get my finances, career and other aspects of my life in order, then I should be prepared and ready to put effort into finding a good match. Mr. Right won’t just walk into my life (despite my wishes): I will have to do my part in making it happen. I don’t leave other parts of my life up to chance

    I missed the radio show.

    Thank you

    Let me go and listen to the talk show

  5. men go to nigeria to find wives…why cant women go to nigeria to find husbands?

    i actually know a woman who has done that.

  6. Very interesting post have to admit i have not listened to the show yet but already i feel excited! I agree a month is too short to want to date, engage and marry someone to bring them overseas…. On the other hand MUST HE BE Nigerian? cant you just let love choose must it be a nigerian dude….

  7. @leggy

    I wish it really worked that way. My aunt went back home to find a husband. She met a good one too. Vera is really doing good, love her radio station.

  8. I heard the question by the guy, wondered why he didn't stretch it further. Would you marry a naija guy and go BACK to live in naija? Keep an open mind either way I say. Home is where the heart is. If you find love, don't matter where you live

  9. Listened to about a quarter of the show. Will take time to listen to the rest later. Don’t see anytihng wrong with going back home to marry.
    I am currently 23 going on 24, I am have been asking myself a lot of questions in regards to marriage lately. I have just recently come out of a serious relationship and I am developed the attitude that I will not persue another until I get “me” together – in terms of education, personal goals etc. However, I wonder if becoming the independent woman before marriage is a good idea. I mean, what’s the point of learning to be an independent woman now when in marriage, you will have to learn to live with another person and sacrifice yourself for children. The idea of the independent woman, is that an ideal we should strive for? Honest question….

  10. Phew! I’m late responding to comments.

    Thank you! It’s been a while…hope you’ve been well.

    lol I know *exactly* what you mean.

    Some LDRs definitely work, but many don’t. All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t be a desired situation for me. The only circumstances under which I’d consider a LDR is if we have had a good amount of time to know each other, and if we will try to see each other as regularly as possible (it would have to be at least once a year for me I think).

    I think you have mentioned it before and I definitely hear you. In the radio show I even mention that I’m realizing that I may need to be open to men of other nationalities.

    However I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with me putting out there exactly what I want, down to the small details, or hoping that the guy for me is Nigerian, or even Yoruba, as long as I’m not shutting down guys who don’t meet these wishes but who are good guys (which I’m not). I will give almost any guy a chance, provided he meets the basic criteria (meaning he’s not an atheist, abusive, alcoholic or a smoker).

    As always, thanks for your comment.

    Hmm, I agree with that too. I guess that’s where you have to be open but also have your standards, otherwise you’ll think any guy with swagger who gives you a charming smile is Mr. Right when all he wants is a little “somethin’ somethin'”.

    My sister! Where have you been?

    Thanks for the support. I hope you were able to listen to the show.

    I agree with you. There’s no reason why a woman can’t go to Nigeria to find a husband. Again, I think it’s society at work, making women feel like they shouldn’t be looking, that love will just happen to them. As long as you’re not looking desperate, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman looking for love.

    ►Emilia Larsén
    It mustn’t be a Nigerian dude, but I hope it is. I will not marry any man simply because he’s Nigerian, but if I was ever faced with a decision between two guys who are identical except that one is Nigerian and one is not, I’d pick the Nigerian.

    Hi babe! Hope you’re well.

    â–ºMyne Whitman
    That would be a good question to ask on my other blog on single women. I need to work on that blog…poor thing has been so neglected.

    HOpe you get a chance to.

    Wow, that is quite a question. I’m going to email you about using it as a blog post. In the post I’d share my opinion and see what others think too.

    Thanks for your comment. I hope you’re adjusting ok to your new status.

    Thank you for your comment and thanks for eading!

Comments are closed.