If you didn’t, you’re in luck: you can hear the show in its entirety here. It’s two hours long. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I almost can’t believe that it was two hours long because the time went by so fast. There were a lot of guest speakers (five) and we all had something to say. I have to admit I was happy that there was a guy, KC, on the panel because his point of view was that of male who had dated a woman in her 30s, but unfortunately I didn’t get to find out his insight on that particular matter, though he certainly challenged me with one of his questions. He asked if we (single women) would consider going to Nigeria to find a mate (for those of us wanting to marry a Nigerian). (The original question assumed that the guy would be willing to move abroad with you.) My answer was that if I could devote the time to living in Nigeria for a while (I think I said at least 6 months), I’d be all for it. I can’t imagine going to Nigeria for three or four weeks and coming back engaged or with a boyfriend (though funny enough it seems that’s what I was thinking of doing last year). While many guys would do it for love alone, some men sadly have ulterior motives. I’m already suspicious of Nigerian men who live in Nigeria specifically seeking Nigerian women who live abroad; I certainly would not want to find myself in a situation where I feel my biggest asset is my country of residence.
But honestly, I’d need to spend some serious time (months) in Nigeria and get to know the guy and his friends and family a bit better before committing to anything. And regular visits would have to be part of the plan. I have no intention of getting myself into a situation where I am seriously involved with a guy I barely know (and to be fair this could happen with any long distance relationship, not just Nigeria/North America ones), and have only seen a couple of times by the time we marry. You hear stories every day of people who date for years (presumably not long distance) and their marriage barely lasts because they discover they don’t know each other, or that they want different things. I really am not a fan of long distance relationships, but if we must be long distance, can we at least be on the same continent abeg?
So what did I learn? Well, if I am 30 and accomplished, and I’ve worked to get my finances, career and other aspects of my life in order, then I should be prepared and ready to put effort into finding a good match. Mr. Right won’t just walk into my life (despite my wishes): I will have to do my part in making it happen. I don’t leave other parts of my life up to chance: I had to go to an interview to get my job, I had to save money to be able to afford a home. So why would the quest for love be free of effort?
Also, a little instrospection is a good thing. It may be painful, but we should not be afraid to look inwards, at our lives, decisions and the way we’re doing things and see what we may need to change in order to get the results we want. It’s easier to blame others for our problems but before you start throwing blame, make sure there isn’t a single thing you could do to make the outcome better. And even when you know you have done all you can do, try not to play the blame game. A friend shared something from Maya Angelou with me recently:
If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
Hmm, I seem to have had a lot to say. Maybe we need to do part two of this show, Vera.