Weight, dates and confidence

I’m a big girl: not thick, not plump, big. And it affects my dating life.

Being a bigger person doesn’t have to affect your dating life, and I’ve seen women my size or bigger who date often or have left the dating world behind for marriage. And on the flip-side, there are many slim, fit, toned ladies who are single and may have gone on fewer dates than I have. So what then is the problem?

Many will say that it’s all about confidence. I’m sure most single women have been told that they just need to be more confident and men will approach them because confidence is sexy. But before you can be confident you need to be comfortable with whatever causes you to lack confidence. For me, that’s my weight. My belief is that even if I don’t shed a single ounce, I am worthy of finding love and finding it with someone who adores my body in addition to my mind and soul. But there’s a voice that speaks louder than my beliefs most of the time, the voice that comes around when another friend announces their engagement or when I see new wedding pictures on facebook. This voice tells me that I’m fat and therefore ugly and no one would want to marry a girl with such jiggly arms or a flabby stomach. It tells me that even if I were to find someone to marry me, my pictures wouldn’t be half as nice as the ones I’m always checking out because I’d be so large in my dress. The sad thing is I actually believe this voice and allow myself to get down and hopeless about my future as regards marriage! It’s not a good place to be and that is why it’s so important to build your confidence and know your own self worth so that when that voice pipes up, you can quite literally tell it to shut up.

It’s strange that I can truly believe in my worth as a human being, but then also listen to a voice that’s focused on criticizing just one aspect of who I am, isn’t it?

Over the years, I have tried to lose weight, but only in a half-hearted way. I believe in lifestyle changes, not dieting, because very few people can maintain a diet for the rest of their lives successfully. I don’t want to be one of those people who loses a spectacular amount of weight and then gains it back once I return to my old eating habits. If I lose weight, I want it to to be permanent. I won’t mind gaining some back when I get pregnant (by God’s grace), but I don’t want to lose 50 pounds one year, only to 60 pounds heavier one or two years later.

I resent the fact that fat is associated with unattractiveness by some, and I resent the double standard that means that you’ll be more likely to see a fat man marrying a toned slender woman than the opposite. It’s important to be physically attracted to your mate, and I wouldn’t recommend that you marry someone whose outer package repulses you, but for those who are focused so much on weight (or any aspect of physical appearance for that matter), I wonder what will happen if God forbid one develops a condition that causes them to gain weight or have a difficult time losing weight. If they’ve built their relationship heavily on looks, it’s may not lead to a happy ending.

But despite my resentment, I have not become bitter. Instead, I’m working on building my confidence and remembering my worth and good points. I’m focussing on health as a goal rather than “looking like hot stuff so men fall at my feet” (tempting as that is). I have been so blessed to be in good health to date and I really don’t want things to start going downhill as I get older. And I figure if I’m blessed enough to marry and have children, I’ll have a headstart on making sure our family grows up healthy. I’ve started small but I’m going to build on these steps and hope that with time I’ll get where I need to be.

As I slim down, I know that God will send some good things my way. But will any new-found attention I receive be because I’m slimmer or because I’m more confident? I guess it’ll be a little of both.

9 thoughts on “Weight, dates and confidence

  1. Your issue is weight, while another’s issue height, skin color, or whatever. I agree that there is nothing wrong with trying to loose weight to be HEALTHY not to conform to societies standards. We can not all be 5″11, 125 lbs blue eyes blonds, cause if it were true this world would be so boring. So, instead embrace and celebrate who you are. I use to obsess over my height, i’m to short, and my bust size, i’m a B cup. But then i woke up on day, i had my “screw the world moment”. While i envied my friend because she was tall with big boobs, she envied me because i was light skin with long hair. Then i said to myself, my cant we just accept ourselves for who we are. I look around and i see diversity and beauty. Now, that’s interesting.

    • Thanks for your comment, Carmel. I’m really focusing on loving and accepting myself at this size and not waiting until I’m smaller to love my body. It’s not easy but I’m determined. Your message is a great one.

  2. I’m a big single girl just like you, but i dont think my weight has anything to do with me being single. although there are some days when im blue that it crosses my mind but i quickly remember, being “fat” or “big” doesnt define who I am. i just recently decided to start losing weight (see my blog if you get a chance) but since i lost 20lbs no one has noticed me more or less. yeah ive gotten compliments on how i look better but mainly from family and friends.

    I guess all i’m trying to say is 50lbs lighter or heavier may or maynot get you to be more noticed, and also may or maynot give you more self-confidence. its all from within.

    P.S im new to both of your blogs and i like them.

    • Hi Jibike! Thank you for reading. Congrats on the weight loss. I’ve visited your blog and left one or two comments ;)

  3. Pingback: Another one bites the dust « All the single ladies unite!

  4. Hi,

    Just wanted to say I **love** everything about this post. Especially what you said about this being a lifestyle change – this is the approach everyone should have to weight loss.

    It might seem slow sometimes but you will get there with dedication and treating it as a learning process (which it should be)

    Confidence is a very attractive trait. You’ve said some positive things about yourself, most of which shine through your blog, be proud of these great things :)

    Here’s to your health, confidence, weight loss and happiness!

    :)

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