When a guy comes between friends

A long time ago, I told you about a guy that I liked, who liked my sister. It didn’t end well for me: the two of them became a long distance couple and I was left alone (as usual). My sister and I eventually reconciled and all was well, and I was happy for her and her relationship. Unfortunately two years later, after we arrived home from our 2010 trip to Nigeria, the relationship fizzled very unexpectedly. Men are so frustrating: can you believe I thought African men were different? I thought they were more direct and better at clearly letting a woman know that a relationship is over but men all over the world are afraid of confrontation, apparently afraid of causing women pain (even though avoiding the topic is still causing pain!), so they just do silly things like stop calling. Thankfully we were raised to know our worth and to “do our best and leave the rest” in every situation, so after making sure that all was well with him and expressing her concerns about the relationship (which he never responded to), my sister stopped waiting for a response from him and moved on.

But the annoying habit of men isn’t my topic. What I want to talk about is how mean I was to my sister as a result of this guy choosing her back in 2008. I refused to talk to her during our trip, I was hurt and as a result I wanted her to feel uncomfortable too. Her point of view was “I didn’t do anything to make this guy like me! Yes, you liked him but I never showed interest in him! It is not my fault that this guy chose me.” and of course I didn’t want to hear that (even though I knew it was true). I could not accuse her of doing anything to steal this guy from me: he was never mine to begin with, I was just hoping he was the guy for me. It was not a shining moment for me, and I was so glad that we eventually got past it.

Guess what? I finally know what it feels like to be in my sister’s shoes. No, a guy didn’t choose me over my sister, but it’s a similar situation: once again a guy has chosen my sister over someone else and since the spurned person is closer to me than to my sister, I feel I am the one who is being punished for this. I am trying to be sensitive because I’ve been in this friend’s situation before. I’ve tried to reach out and drafted what seems like a very long email explaining things from my point of view, but I don’t think I’ll send it in the end. It was more of a cathartic exercise. I hope things work out between us but at the same time I feel like my sister did: I know in my heart that neither I nor my sister did anything to make this guy like her. I have tried to talk to my friend and now I must leave the rest to God.

Another friend of mine shared a similar incident where she, like me back in 2008, had a hard time dealing with the feeling of betrayal that develops when matters of the heart don’t progress as hoped. Today she is engaged to a man who loves her and who she loves, and they are doing their white wedding later this year.

The only thing I know is that time heals these wounds and we must always trust that God has better plans for us than the ones we have for ourselves. Even if the guy seems like your soul mate, even if that job seems made for you, if you don’t get it, trust that something better is in store, although you may need to wait a while for it!

I am now thankful that this guy who chose my sister over me in 2008 did not choose me because maybe I would not have been able to deal with the emotional aspects of the relationship ending like my sister did. I am certain that someone far better than this guy is out there not only for my sister or me, but for my friend too. I hope we’ll be reconciled one day in the future.

19 thoughts on “When a guy comes between friends

  1. hmm. i have never been in this sorta situation but i can understand how we can let our emotions rather than our head guide us. I hope your friend can move pat this

  2. Just give it time; your friend will get over it and everything will pan out eventually. God knows best and it's best to trust Him to work out who or what is good for one's future.

  3. Yes, there's a reason why some pain are necessary. I praise God for sparing you from that guy. Although your sister got in trouble, i am sure she will soon get by :D *hugs*

  4. That's pretty interesting. I've heard a lot about friends story but not sisters. Glad y'all got past it.

  5. It's easy to speak on subjects we haven't experienced flippantly. If you hadn't explained your situation with your sister it would have a lot harder [for me] to understand why your friend is being the way she is. Good to read you and your sis got over it. Hope you and your friend do too.

  6. What a good post because I think girls do this to eachother but men don't. I had something similar happen to me just last month. I was clueless to this guys affections toward me but my friend wanted him….which I was happy for as I was unaware and not in the least interested. In the end, I think she sort of made a fool out of herself because I am NOT one to fight over a man and was extremely unmotivated but it made me shake my head that she was willing to hurt my feelings over a man. Girls really have to get their minds right and prioritize. Our friendships are more important. I am so happy you worked things out with your sister.

  7. GNG this is so true.Dont worry she ‘ll come around.I experienced it like i told you and for a very long time i couldn’t handle it but now i thank God i have gotten over it.D is the bestest thing that could have ever happened to me.He makes all things beautiful in his time.

  8. Thanks for sharing this. Im currently dealing with the betrayal that arises when matters of the heart dont progress as we have hoped (especially when the guy seems to be your soul mate). Its tough but ive accepted that God has something better in store for me!! Im holding on to his promises cos Gods ways are not that of man! :)

  9. I can so relate. Years ago I liked this guy and unknown to me at the time, he liked me too however he went after my sister…..but guess what? Only as a stepping stone to get to me! I was so mad at my sis and wouldn't speak to her for days. When you think about it (now) it must've been horrible for her having some guy use you like that to get close to her sister. Guys can be so dumb sometimes, the things they do and how they go about doing them. This took place years ago but I can relate to your friends feelings though I know it wasn't your sister's fault that the guy went after her and I'm sure deep down, your friend knows this too. Shes just nursing a broken heart and dealing with what I suppose is rejection.

  10. GnG, indeed, time heals wounds. People always say, if something is yours, it wont pass you by. I've heard several cases between friends, sisters like these ones u have shared… ultimately, if its God's will that the guy be yours, if he goes to Sokoto, he is still coming back… and if he is not, you'd have a cause to thank God, just like you are right now.

    – LDP

  11. I was watching a show that explored similar themes and at the points where the friends reconciled, I was so happy for them. I know the same will happen you and your friend, even as it happened with your sister. All the best.

  12. Time does heal all wounds and blood is also thicker than water. I am glad you did not let a man come between you and your sister because in the end your family is all you have! Hopefully your friend will be able to come to terms with the situation and all will be well again.

  13. Wow ,,,deep! This definitely is not easy for both girls involved.I am glad you and your sister dealt with it in a healthy manner.

  14. As they say, blood is thicker than water, i reckon that's why you and your sister made up. I've always found it funny when men come between us girls. Women are quick to ditch childhood friends for the sake of a relationship with a man, it's always so painful when that relationship never works out, because then the friend finds it difficult to come back to you.

  15. Pingback: Two girls, a boy and a spliff (or two) « Ms Luffa

  16. Well you ladies should try doing what we guys do, talk about it over a couple of pints and then decide to ditch the girl :) (Man in your case). I do not understand why friends end friendships (includes family) because of relationships. If it goes sour, its still your friends you have to fall back to

  17. I can understand how U feel when this sorta thing happens. Remember back in d days. Had this friend who was really good looking. Girls use to choose him over me everywhere we went and it did hurt, but I knew it was never his fault so I lived with it, until a day a girl chose me over him. I really had a swell time laughing over it because it was like pay back time

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