A long time ago, I told you about a guy that I liked, who liked my sister. It didn’t end well for me: the two of them became a long distance couple and I was left alone (as usual). My sister and I eventually reconciled and all was well, and I was happy for her and her relationship. Unfortunately two years later, after we arrived home from our 2010 trip to Nigeria, the relationship fizzled very unexpectedly. Men are so frustrating: can you believe I thought African men were different? I thought they were more direct and better at clearly letting a woman know that a relationship is over but men all over the world are afraid of confrontation, apparently afraid of causing women pain (even though avoiding the topic is still causing pain!), so they just do silly things like stop calling. Thankfully we were raised to know our worth and to “do our best and leave the rest” in every situation, so after making sure that all was well with him and expressing her concerns about the relationship (which he never responded to), my sister stopped waiting for a response from him and moved on.
But the annoying habit of men isn’t my topic. What I want to talk about is how mean I was to my sister as a result of this guy choosing her back in 2008. I refused to talk to her during our trip, I was hurt and as a result I wanted her to feel uncomfortable too. Her point of view was “I didn’t do anything to make this guy like me! Yes, you liked him but I never showed interest in him! It is not my fault that this guy chose me.” and of course I didn’t want to hear that (even though I knew it was true). I could not accuse her of doing anything to steal this guy from me: he was never mine to begin with, I was just hoping he was the guy for me. It was not a shining moment for me, and I was so glad that we eventually got past it.
Guess what? I finally know what it feels like to be in my sister’s shoes. No, a guy didn’t choose me over my sister, but it’s a similar situation: once again a guy has chosen my sister over someone else and since the spurned person is closer to me than to my sister, I feel I am the one who is being punished for this. I am trying to be sensitive because I’ve been in this friend’s situation before. I’ve tried to reach out and drafted what seems like a very long email explaining things from my point of view, but I don’t think I’ll send it in the end. It was more of a cathartic exercise. I hope things work out between us but at the same time I feel like my sister did: I know in my heart that neither I nor my sister did anything to make this guy like her. I have tried to talk to my friend and now I must leave the rest to God.
Another friend of mine shared a similar incident where she, like me back in 2008, had a hard time dealing with the feeling of betrayal that develops when matters of the heart don’t progress as hoped. Today she is engaged to a man who loves her and who she loves, and they are doing their white wedding later this year.
The only thing I know is that time heals these wounds and we must always trust that God has better plans for us than the ones we have for ourselves. Even if the guy seems like your soul mate, even if that job seems made for you, if you don’t get it, trust that something better is in store, although you may need to wait a while for it!
I am now thankful that this guy who chose my sister over me in 2008 did not choose me because maybe I would not have been able to deal with the emotional aspects of the relationship ending like my sister did. I am certain that someone far better than this guy is out there not only for my sister or me, but for my friend too. I hope we’ll be reconciled one day in the future.
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